


Journey

by Mysteryred



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Dark, Domestic Violence, Drama, F/M, Healing, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Romance, Triggers, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 17:39:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 48
Words: 76,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4188912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mysteryred/pseuds/Mysteryred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trouble and Teagan O'Neil seem to go hand in hand.  When her cult-involved-ex takes her to her moral rock bottom her family decides to send her away.  A summer with her cousin April changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING

**Gone, Gone, Gone**

When you fall like a statue

I’m gon’ be there to catch you

Put you on your feet, you on your feet

~Phillip Phillips~

**Teagan**

**The summer before Junior Year**

“What a view,” I scoffed before reaching for the fifth of honey whiskey and taking a swig. The smooth taste of liqueur filled my mouth as I let it roll over my tongue on its way down. The burn of alcohol hit my throat, and though I savored the feel of it rushing through my bloodstream, warming my insides, it still wasn’t enough to dull the pain. Taking a bigger draw off the bottle I finally felt the desired head change, and a wiggle of my fingers proved them starting to tingle.

“Better,” I told myself, nursing the bottle yet again. “But not quite there yet.”

My bare feet dangled between the narrow rails of the rickety metal fire escape and I stretched my toes wide apart letting the cool night air flow between them. Leaning back on my palms I stared at the solid brick wall of the building across from me. When I looked up all I could see were the edges of two roofs and a hazy purple sky, with annoying city lights glowing behind them. “What a view,” I said again, before taking another sip.

Somewhere below me a dog was barking, one of those annoying yapping things. Apparently a cat thought so too, as it hissed at the damn thing like someone had pulled its tail. I peeked between the rails. “Here kitty, kitty,” I giggled, “kitty, kitty.”

“Teagan, who’re you talking to?”

My cousin stuck her pretty, fair skinned face out the window. I looked at her, wondering how people could mistake us for twins. My eyes were blue-green in comparison to her deep blue, and her hair was more carrot orange, where mine was a shade of auburn that appeared bright red outside, and more reddish-brown when sunlight wasn’t on it. But our faces where pretty much the same, and our height and body builds. I always thought she was prettier, even though she had more freckles, and I had only a dusting. It was her hair, I liked that hers was such a bright red, and was secretly jealous of it.

“Nobody, April, jus’ a cat in the alley,” I raised my bottle to her in salute and her eyes widened at the sight of it. “Want a sip?”

“No, and if my dad sees that, you’re going to be in so much trouble.” April reached for the bottle, but I pulled it back to my chest, cradled it and sniffed the strong honey-alcohol mix.

“It can’t get any worse.” I took another sip before allowing her to slip the glass bottle from my fingers. She disappeared into the apartment with it and I pressed my face against the bars imagining I was in prison. I belonged in jail. I deserved to be there, maybe even worse for what I’d done. But in my case, living with it alone might have been punishment enough.

April returned, climbed out the window and took a seat beside me. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I scoffed. “I want my bottle back.”

“You don’t want to be hung over when you meet them tomorrow. Master Splinter will expect you to work hard and give your all.” She reached out a slender hand to my shoulder and I shrugged her off.

“I’m broken, April. There’s no place for me and there’s no fixing it.” I bit my lip, tilted my head to the sky and closed my eyes. “This hurt, it’s never going away.”

_I will find you, anywhere you go. I have eyes everywhere. You won’t even know, not unless I want you to._

My stomach rolled and I thought for a second I may lose my liquor. Then I wanted another sip, suddenly wishing I was completely sloshed. In some ways _He_ was right, in a lot of ways he was, because I couldn’t forget what brought me to New York, and somehow I thought it still may not be far enough away.

“It’ll get better, Tea, you’ll see.” April tried to rub my back, but I stood up quickly to avoid it.  The sudden movement caused my head to spin. I stumbled backward into the rail, then righted myself, reached for the ladder and started to climb. “Where are you going?”

Ignoring her, I made my ascent, not stopping till I reached the blacktop roof where I leaned over the edge, and checked out the ten story drop into the garbage lined alleyway below.

My blood was deliciously numb and my extremities wonderfully tingling, but there was still a knife in my gut that I kept pulling out only to jab it in deeper. If I could remove it, I would. So far, however, I had only been capable of enduring it.

While I’d sat in my cousin’s apartment earlier that night I'd started to feel like I was suffocating, and since arriving in New York three days ago, I’d begun to feel extremely claustrophobic. There were no wide open spaces in the city. It was nothing a suburban-country girl like me was used to. I already missed the rolling fields of maple and oak trees, their spring-green leaves trembling with the breeze... the long draping branches of the pines and cedars, swaying in a soothing rhythm with the sunlight filtering through them both, casting beautiful shadows over the bluegrass below. I missed that, and sweet tea, maybe even grits. But I didn’t miss the asshole I’d left behind.

“Teagan!” April shrieked.

I was falling, my body taking its last ride, rushing straight toward the unforgiving asphalt below. I closed my eyes and opened my arms. It should be like this. I’d earned it.

But I never hit the ground.

“Gotcha!”

Strong arms snatched me from mid-air and my body was crushed against something solid. For a second I thought the street had flown up and claimed me. But when I opened my eyes, I knew something more than bourbon had to be in my bottle, because a giant turtle, wearing a bright orange mask, surrounding the most amazing bright blue eyes I’d ever seen, had me in his arms.

“You okay? What happened?” His voice was as friendly as his smile. He placed me on my feet, and I leaned toward him, blinking repeatedly, which seem to provoke him to mimic me.

“Mikey, get out of her face,” A male voice called from near April.

Looking away from the giant terrapin still hovering before me, I glanced in April’s direction to find three more huge turtles standing alongside her. Two of them had their arms crossed over their plastrons, one of which was doing the talking.

“I’m Leo.” He smiled, then pointed at the orange masked turtle, who was sniffing me curiously. “That’s Mikey.”

“Stop sniffin’ her, Mikey!” The red banded turtle scolded, shaking his head.

“That’s Raph,” Leo continued.

“It appears, by the way she’s swaying, that she may be inebriated.” The purple clad turtle observed as he made his way over to me. “You should probably drink some water.”

“That’s Donnie, and you must be Teagan,” Leonardo said, leaving Raphael and April, coming to stand over me.

I stared at the four of them, trying to process what I was seeing, tempted to chalk it up to my drunkenness. Then I looked over to my cousin. “You were telling the truth!” I snorted. “And here I thought you were just bat shit crazy.”

April sighed and covered her face. “I’m sorry you guys are meeting her while she’s in this… condition.”

My breath rushed through my nose and I tried to clear the fog from my head. Glaring in my cousins direction, I hissed, “Don’t apologize for me, April. Don’t you dare.” I gave each of the turtles a courtesy bob of my head and staggered toward the fire escape.

Giant turtles. She’s really, not crazy. Not even joking. Giant. Turtles. And she’d told me. She told me. I just didn’t believe her. Oh, God, and they’re the ninjas I’m supposed to be training with! Turtles. I wonder what else is real. Next thing you know she’ll be telling me there are aliens.

As I lowered myself down, trying to find my footing for the first step, I missed and stumbled down. This time I found a giant three fingered hand wrapping around mine and I looked up into Leo’s intense blue eyes. “Are you _trying_ to get hurt?”

“I deserve it,” I replied, with an expression I hoped was devoid of emotion.

His eyes widened and his head jerked back in surprise. “Why would you say that?”

I narrowed my eyes and pulled my hand from his. Without answering him and not looking back, I worked my way down the escape and crawled in the bedroom window.  I dragged my sorry ass over to the couch, pulled my pillow close, and my favorite fuzzy blanket, and old stuffed orange monkey even closer. Just as I was about to surrender to my drunken state I peeked through one eye, toward the window, and watched the floral curtains sway with the breeze blowing in. I didn’t hear anything, but could have I sworn I saw something move.

“S’probably April,” I told myself before pulling my blanket over my head.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**The Next Morning**

**Teagan**

“Up and at’em, Teagan, we’ll be late for warm-up. I train hard all summer. It’s awesome. You’ll love it.”

April chirped and bounced around the apartment like a songbird, and as I glanced toward the window I saw it was still dark out.

“Screw that, April. The sun isn’t even up yet.” I brushed my cotton ball of a tongue against the top of my mouth while smacking my lips. I didn’t think I drank _that_ much last night.

“Seriously, Teagan, drink some water, take a shower and get dressed. Come on! Get your sorry butt off the couch. My Dad’s not going to let you stay if you don’t keep up your end of the agreement.”

I could hear the whoosh of something flying through the air. Sensing the density of the object shifting the space above my head, I reached up and snatched the bottle of water before it hit me.

“And that right there, is how I know you’ll be great at this,” April said, before yanking the blanket off me and tossing it aside.

Groaning, I sat up, put my feet on the floor, cracked the bottle and chugged it. My insides felt like they were packed with socks, my stomach was like a rock, and while the water that flowed down my throat was cool and refreshing, it was not yet working any miracles for me.

Over the next hour I managed to put one foot in front of the other, making my way through a scalding shower, dressing myself in a pair of black yoga pants with a sheer gray tank top over a black sports bra.  Finally, I grabbed a piece of toast for breakfast and a third bottle of water, before I found myself standing unceremoniously over a manhole cover.

“Clearly I’m still drunk,” I quipped.

April said nothing, but then she hadn’t spoken to me for most of the morning, beyond complaining about my going to meet her sensei while suffering with a hangover, and how embarrassing it was for her. As if I hadn’t already spent the past year hearing how badly I’d disappointed my family, here I was three days in and already failing her too. As I followed her beneath the street I wondered when I would accept the newfound permanent black X over my very being. What I should’ve been thinking about was where the hell she was taking me and what on earth I was doing in a New York City sewer tunnel.

“So he’s a giant rat, huh?” I asked as she stopped outside what looked to be a brick wall.

She reached up, wrapped her fingers around a brick and spoke without looking at me. “Yes and be respectful. He’s like a second father to me. These guys are as good as family.”

With that she gave the dark brick a pull and the wall slid back into a pocket. As we stepped inside the surprisingly vast space, a couple of things hit me at once. One, the putrid smell of sewage was near absent inside, because the scent of sandalwood and bergamot seemed to linger in the air. And two, this wasn’t just an abandoned subway hub. As I looked around, from the video games, cushions, bean bags, throw pillows, and walls decorated with cinema posters, to the strange dummy hanging in one corner, it seemed like the perfect teenage hangout.  Yet it had a coziness about it that made it feel like… a home. A strange spiraling wood staircase rose to a circle in the ceiling above it to my right, and there were beautiful arches at the far side of the room above various doorways. Standing beneath one of them was a rebellious looking Japanese girl.

“We’re in the dojo April.” The girl waved a hand in our direction before disappearing through the arch.

“We’re late.” April complained, grabbed my arm and yanked me along behind her.

The minute I entered the dojo I felt a change.  Energy pulled at my skin as if drawing me in, and as I looked around at the enormous space I knew I was somewhere very special. The floor was covered with huge oriental rugs, the walls bare, except for were there were racks of weapons, and the ceiling was so high my head tilt back as far as it would go to look up. There was a massive skylight in the center of the room, beneath which a beautiful tree spiraled up, reaching for the soft golden rays that seeped through, casting shadows over the six beings standing beneath it.

I recognized the four turtles, and even remembered their names, but I did not know the Japanese girl, the street punk looking boy, or the giant rat with them.

“Teagan, this is Karai, Casey and Master Splinter. Guys and Sensei, this is the cousin I told you about, Teagan.”

I exchanged cursory nods with the turtles, Karai and Casey, before returning the slight bow that their Sensei offered me.

Their teacher gave orders that his pupils were quick to obey. “Casey and Raphael, Donatello and April, Michelangelo and Karai, Leonardo work on katas. Teagan, you will be with me.”

Everyone seemed to pair off without question and I felt like a beginner thrown in among elites. As I watched them warm up and begin to spar, I knew that I was, and wondered what I was doing here.

“Teagan, April tells me that you have had some trouble over the past year.”

My stomach turned, almost like a reflex, even thought I knew that April didn’t know everything that went on in my past, and I knew there was no way this rat could either. Pulling my gaze from the incredible display of martial arts happening before me I looked at the aging sable furred rat. His eyes were quite human, despite the fur, long nose and whiskers, not to mention the pointy ears that twitched curiously at the top of his head. It was strange to look at a mutant rat. The creature stood at least a foot over me, not that I was tall by any means, at a pathetic five feet and two inches. But I found that the longer I observed him he was, in fact, studying me as well.  His features where quite expressive, reflecting his obvious mix of wariness and curiosity, paired with a strange warmth and bountiful wisdom.

“Trouble and I seemed to be joined at the hip, Sir.”

The corners of his mouth drew upward and his brown eyes shone with something that made me squirm, even though I recognized it. Compassion. “In here, should you choose this path, I am called Sensei or you may call me Master Splinter. April tells me that you were a gymnast?”

“I was, before my uh- my troubles began.”

The old rats eyes fell on my tone arms. “You appear to still be particularly fit.”

“I still condition. It helps-” My eyes fell from his, looking to the graceful tree that should seem out of place, when in fact it was, but then so was I, and immediately I loved it for that very reason. “It helps me cope.”

“I see. April believes there is good in you, Teagan. She feels that you are worthy of training to be a kunoichi. It is a commitment, a lifestyle, a daunting undertaking for only the most courageous of hearts. Are you capable of these things?”

I pressed my lips together and struggled to calm the chaos that whirled around my insides. Was I courageous? No. But I wasn’t exactly a coward either. I knew one thing for sure. “I don’t know about courage, Sensei,” I shifted my gaze from the tree to the rat, which seemed to be analyzing me throughout our exchange. “But I am a survivor, and when it comes to athleticism I’m made for it. There is no greater reprieve for me than collapsing beneath the weight of muscles trembling with exhaustion, and that sweet rush of adrenaline that comes with accomplishing something I’ve struggled for.”

The rat’s eyes glistened. “Good. Let us begin.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Three Weeks Later**

**Teagan**

I was addicted. I trained like it was the only thing keeping me alive. I’d get up before April, rush through a mornings necessities and race to the dojo to warm up before Splinter had even gotten out of bed. Apparently getting there before Leonardo was an accomplishment, and more than once I’d found him standing in the doorway watching me. But I never spoke to any of them, beyond basic courtesies. I thought it best if I kept to myself and stayed focused on my work. My goal was to practice when I could, and visualize it when I couldn’t. It kept my mind from being stuck on my past, it helped suppress the pain.

This morning I had already warmed up, and done a series of kata’s before I felt the urge to lie on my back and watch the morning light appear above the tree. Every oval shaped green leaf led to a curling brown branch and the trunk twisted like a wrung washrag. Slowly the space above the magnificent tree would lighten, and ribbons of gold would seep in and gradually grow brighter. It was strange to me for the leaves not to tremble, but there was no breeze.  There was only the light shining in, and within the darkness of this incredible home I found this space to be soothing, it called to the broken place in me, tugging and pulling me upward, trying to help me break free of my own shackles. But I knew as the heatless rays shone on my face, I was nowhere near ready to let go.

“Good morning, Teagan.” Leonardo stood over me, his arms crossed over his plastron. “You’re gaining points in stealth. You only woke me up this morning when you came in, rather than the whole lair.”

Still lying on my back, my gaze shifted from the tree branches up to his cobalt blues. “Master Splinter has told me that I can train whenever I want for as long as I want.”

Leo smirked. “Yes, and today, you are training with me.”

My heart lurched. “What? Why?”

“Because you train like someone going off to fight a battle for their life, and you’re ready for the next step.” He reached a giant three fingered hand out to me and I looked at it warily.

His fingers closed and his eyes squint briefly. “Do you have a problem with what I am, Teagan?”

“What?” With my mind reeling, I realized that _why_ _I_ didn’t want to touch anyone, not just him, and _why he_ thought I didn’t, were completely different, only he didn’t know that. “No! Oh, Leo, I’m sorry, no. It’s not that. I just-” I pushed myself off the cool hard floor and kept my chin down, shutting my eyes as I answered. “I just don’t like touching of any kind.”

“Hmm, well how about punching, hitting and kicking? Can you handle that?”

I glanced sideways at him, noticing him watching my every move. “Well I sure hope so, since that’s why I’m here right?”

He nodded but said nothing, tilting his head to the side as he seemed to study me. I recognized the apprehension in his eyes. Somehow, everything I’d been through made reading others superbly easy. The thing was I never liked what I saw. So I just quit looking. Now was no exception, apprehension was all over him, and why not, I’m sure they’d been studying me as casually as I had them. Huh, he’s as cautious of me as I am all of them combined.

“I wouldn’t trust me either Leo,” I said, turning to face him.

His eyes widened. “Really? And why’s that?”

“You tell me, since you clearly don’t.” I stood with my arms hanging at my sides, rubbed my fingers against my palms and forced myself to look him in the eye. That was something I’d taken a habit to not doing. I’d watch a person in close range, with my peripheral vision, but avoided eye contact because every time I’d looked, I saw things that made me hate myself, I saw exactly what Leo’s blues held for me right now, wariness, often among a string of other, worse things. It could be their opinion of me, judging without knowing, or it could be their opinion of themselves, or even the weight of their burdens. Just seeing those things in the eyes of others bothered me, it stuck with me, even though there was nothing I could do to change any of it.

“You’ve given me no reason to trust you. You’ve been coming here for almost a month and this is the most we’ve ever talked. It’s not like you hang out with us.” He stepped into a fighting stance and motioned to me to do the same. “You’re shut off. How can you expect anyone to trust you, if we can’t get to know you?”

“It’s better for everyone if we just train. So, what are we working on?”

Leo’s smirk irritated me. In some ways, just from what I’d observed over the past few weeks, I found him cocky and arrogant. I’d swear that if he was a human boy in high school, he’d be either a baseball player or an asshole quarterback. Either way he’d be a jock and I hated jocks.

“Well, Leo? Think you can stop with that condescending smile and actually teach me something today?”

Two seconds later I was on my butt, with him standing over me. “Blocking. Today’s focus, blocking, lots and lots of blocks, building blocks for you my young Padawan.”

As he offered me a hand, which I yet again refused, I climbed to my feet and knew two things were going to be with me the entire day. One, I was going to be on my butt. A lot. And two, I was going to have to look at that damn grin.

Leo and I trained together every day for the next week. We worked before the sun came up, stopping only to eat, or use the bathroom, until the sun set and he had to go out on patrol. And while I’d stuck to my guns about not making small talk, I’d felt something shifting nonetheless. By Friday, when I walked in the dojo at four in the morning, I found him going through a complicated kata.

I admired the coordination it took to wield two swords simultaneously, especially knowing that he did this while directing his teammates under insane circumstances. April would tell me stories about how in the midst of chaos Leo could look around and find enough in his environment to conjure a plan that saved them all, even if it was just a matter of buying them enough time to retreat. I wondered, briefly, if I would ever witness such skill in the field first hand, then questioned myself as to why I’d want to. He finished what resembled an intricate sword dance, then placed his weapons back in their hold, and smiled at me.

“Good morning, Teagan.”

“Leo,” I nodded, “you beat me here. Guess I need to warm up.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s two hours before sunrise. Let’s go for a walk.”

My heart sank, and apparently so did my face, because the ridges of his eyes rose insistently and he motioned toward the door with his head. I followed him through the lair, down a maze of tunnels, and waved away his proffered hand as we made our way onto the streets of New York. He pointed to a nearby building and I followed him into the alley.

“We’re going up the fire escape,” he said to me.

“Right, because I can jump five feet into the air,” I complained, as I looked up at the dangling black metal ladder.

“Give me permission to touch you and I can carry you to the top.”

I stiffened beside him, my gaze still locked on the fire escape, and my skin shivered in anticipation of contact. “Why are you doing this, Leo? Why can’t we just train?”

“You can trust me. You can trust all of us and you need to know that. If I’m to be your leader, you have to know that.”

I whirled around to look at him.  “Lead me to what? It’s not like I’m going on missions with you guys.”

Leonardo remained unfazed. “Can I carry you to the top?” He leaned so close I could feel a soothing energy radiate from him. “Do you trust me at all?”

My chest rose and fell at a rapid pace as my eyes darted over him. “Fine. Make it quick.”

He nodded and my eyes clamped shut as his muscled arms wrapped gently but firmly around me. In the next few seconds I was adrift with the sensation of flight, too caught up in the soaring and floating to worry too much about being touched, and I was placed carefully on my feet moments later, feeling as if I should be more uncomfortable than what I was.

“Well?” he sounded amused, and I realized I was standing next to him with my eyes still closed and my arms wrapped tightly around myself.

A soft early summer breeze wafted over us and it seemed to caress my skin, and my biceps tingled remembering where his hands had just touched. I didn’t reel with nausea, I wasn’t trembling with fear, and as I opened one eye and then the other I felt a knot forming at the back of my throat amid a wash of relief, that it was Leo standing beside me and not _him_. “Somehow my body expects every touch to hurt.”

I’d blurted it out without thinking and Leo’s face shifted from surprise to confusion, and then as he realized what my words might imply, disgust. And as those emotions played over his face the nausea came to me anyway, because I was ashamed, that yet again, it was me that caused someone to feel those things.

I looked away, unwilling to let that feeling grow. It was better when we were training, why couldn’t we just train? “So why’d you want to come up here?” I murmured, as I stared at the black tar covered roof.

“So we could talk. You seemed like you could use a friend.” He motioned me away from the ledge, coming to stand beside a utility closet.  I leaned against it, while he took up his trademark arms across the plastron stance.

I scoffed. “What I need is to keep training.”

“Why train if I’m not leading you anywhere, huh?”

I felt his eyes on me and I glanced at him quickly, before looking toward the purple of night overhead, to the lightening blues, reds and oranges of a predawn sky. There was something beautiful about Leonardo. Truth be told there was about each of them. But Leo had a kind of nobility about him, he was calming, and that look in his eyes just then, it had been caring, not condescending, and I wanted what he was offering.  I just didn’t know if I had the courage to take it.

“Look, Leo, I’d love to be friends, but not if it means I have to talk about my crap. I’m just-” I sighed and looked at him. “I’m not ready.”

And I’m weary, because if you ever find out what I’ve done it’ll break me all over again when you send me away.

“You can trust me, Teagan. Whatever it is, we’ll all still be here for you.” He pointed toward the east and we watched as the skyline broke in a mix of reds and pinks swirling with the remaining purple of night. “You train harder than anyone I’ve ever known, besides myself, Karai, and Raph. And that makes me think that you’re either really dedicated, or your running from something.”

Why’d he have to go and give me any kind of second thought? He couldn’t be more wrong and yet right at the same time if he tried. You wouldn’t still be there for me if you knew. Hell, if I had a choice I wouldn’t be there for me. And the truth was, when it came to training, “It’s both. I am a dedicated person but I’m also running… from myself.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Five Weeks into Summer Vacation**

**Teagan**

“I don’t understand why we have to stop,” I complained as I toweled sweat from my body.

“Don’t question Sensei,” Raph warned, before offering me a bottle of water. “Besides you know why.”

The rebellious streak that lurked just beneath the surface of my skin wrestled its way loose, and I cocked a red eyebrow as I took it from him. “I’m not questioning _him_ I’m giving _you_ a hard time.”

Raphael’s green eyes flickered with a sauce of their own, and my stomach dipped and rallied at the sight of it. “I can see that. Now stop. It’s over a hundred degrees out there. It’s too hot to train.” He pointed to my long pants, “Maybe if you wore shorts now and then you could get in another hour when it’s like this.”

My heart sped up as my hands clenched into fists. “No.” I looked away from him, before turning on my heel and heading for the door. When his hand came down on my arm I felt the muscles in my body go rigid, almost as much a reflex as the way it drew breath.

“What the-” He gasped before he let me go.  

I bolted, straight by the others and out the lair, through the humid stagnant sewers and into the scorching heat of a summer midday sun. I ran to April’s apartment, straight for my duffel, where I fished out my secret stash of bourbon.  I unscrewed the cap and tipped the bottle, swallowing burning chugs of the amber colored liquid in four huge gulps, desperate to quiet the voices in my head. I knew if I couldn’t train, then I couldn’t silence them.

If I’d trained all day then I could visualize until I fell asleep at night. But I couldn’t visualize all day.

_Listen to me you Bitch, if I see you on the street I will beat you to death. You’ll feel the steel of my Dr. Martens in your guts._

_I swallowed hard, the phone in my hand just dangling in my trembling fingers. Who are you?_

_I’m The Messenger. If you make Him unhappy he’ll send me, that’s what I’ll do, and you’ll be sorry, so fall in line, and do what you’re told you worthless cunt._

I swallowed the bile in my throat and rubbed my trembling hands over my face, rocking back and forth on the couch while clutching the bottle.

_Come on Kitty Cat; let my friend, Leith know what you feel like. It ain’t no fun if my bro’s can’t have none._

When I went to lift the bottle to my lips I found it was empty.  With my head already adrift I heard a key in the lock, then April opened the door and stood over me frowning.

“Teagan, really? It’s one thirty in the afternoon.” She reached down and took the empty bottle from my hands, placing an envelope in its place. “Here, this came for you. Maybe it’s from your Mom. See, I told you she’d come around.”

Unlikely, I thought, as I stared at the black envelope with my name in silver sharpie on the front of it. Then I ran my fingers over the print and my blood ran as cold as an iceberg in the Arctic.

“Tea?”

My breath came in ragged waves.

“He found me.” I stood up, swallowed hard, dropped the envelope, and staggered drunkenly toward the front door.

“Wait! Teagan, what do you mean he found you? Who’s he? Where are you going? Teagan!”

Without looking back, I shut the door behind me, stumbled out into the hall, and made my way toward the elevator. Stupid! How could I be so stupid? I jabbed the first floor button inside the elevator right as April ran out in the hall, her blue eyes wide and fearful, an open black envelope dangling in her right hand.

“Teagan!”

The doors closed and I fled the building, walking aimlessly, hopelessly down the crowded New York City sidewalks.  There was a coat of dampness coming from my skin, dripping down my shirt, my mind whirling with a mix of liquor and fear as I wondered who he sent and how long they’d been watching me.  Worst of all... what punishment had he chosen? I bumped into strangers, careful to avoid their faces, knowing any one of them could be The Messenger.  

The air was as thick and humid as my burdens were heavy.  I needed another drink, because the fear was tightening its grip on me with every step I took. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my last fifty dollars. At this rate I was going to need a job. I scoffed. Eh, I’d be dead or worse soon and it wouldn’t matter. I looked around, realizing I had no idea where I was, and the business class people I’d meandered by earlier, now looked more like bums on a sidewalk. I spied a man drinking out of a bottle in a brown paper bag in the alley outside a liquor store.

“Hey Mister,” I said, approaching him, while trying not to sound as trashed as I was.

His dark eyes flashed from the ground to my face, then darted over my body and he lifted his scraggly bearded chin to offer me a disgusting toothless smile. “Yea, sweetheart, why’s a pretty little thing like you talking to a dirty old man like me?”

I came to stand a good five feet away from him. “Look I’ve got a little cash for ya, and another bottle if you’ll go inside there and get me one too. Bourbon, whatever size you can get, so long as it gets one for each of us.  You can keep the change. Deal?"

He grinned, nodded, and motioned a hand in a curving outline to match my body. “Anything else?”

“Fuck no, and if you try anything the deals off. Got it?” I watched his body language carefully, trying to summon senses I’d already dulled with my poison of choice.

“It’s a pity, but a deal. Gimme your money, sugar.”

My stomach turned. “Look can we do this without all the condescending sugars, babies, sweethearts and all that other bullshit?”

He made an ugly face, not that it took much for him to do. “You’ve got a bad attitude and a nasty mouth.”

I shrugged and he staggered into the liquor store.  I waited impatiently for him in the alley. He returned a few minutes later and handed me a small bottle of cheap whiskey. _Well this is going to burn like hell._ I twisted the cap and took a sip. “Shit, are you sure this isn’t moonshine?” I complained, my throat burning as my stomach clenched.

“Aw, quit your whining. It’ll get the job done.” He raised his bottle toward me and winked.

I rolled my eyes and looked around, realizing I couldn’t stay in the alley with him. The more tanked I got the more likely he could do what he wanted with me. I left the alley and walked a few blocks before I noticed a ladder hanging down on a fire escape at the back of two buildings. Ducking into the alleyway I pulled myself up, climbing until I hauled myself over the ledge of the roof only to flinch under the scorching heat radiating up from the tar surface. I scanned the rooftop and noticed one corner was falling into shadow near a utility closet.

I checked my wristwatch. “Four thirty already? Where’d the time go?” How far had I walked? I leaned against the brick wall of the closet before shifting to sit on the gritty ground beneath me, nursing my bottle until the sun went down.

“I’ll get her, Leo.”

“You sure, Raph?”

“She’s going to be sick if you go carrying her around, Raph. Are you sure you want to deal with that?”

“She’s my responsibility this week, Donnie. I’ve got her.”

“April’s Dad wants her to stay at the lair with us until we figure out who this person is.”

Jesus, could Leo do anything without sounding like the world was coming to an end?

“Shut up, I have a headache,” I groaned and rubbed my face, realizing I’d been passed out, still on the rooftop.  Based on the moon shining full and bright above me, it had been a while. I reached for my bottle and realized it was gone. “Who took my drink?”

“I’ll see you guys at home,” Raph stated.

I looked up to find his green eyes staring hard into me.

Leo frowned. “You could’ve come to us, Teagan.”

“Oh, Leo, please,” I groaned and waved a hand at him. “Can I just have my bottle back?”

“No!” All four of them said at once.

I looked from Leo’s angry eyes, to Michelangelo’s concerned blues, to Donnie’s disappointment, and my gaze fell to Raphael’s face.  When I couldn’t make sense of what I saw in his eyes I found myself wondering how drunk I still was.

He motioned to Leo, who waved at his brothers.  They disappeared as I sat rubbing my face, before tugging my fingers through the tangled strands of my long red hair. Raph stood over me, and seemed to be looking me over.

“Did anybody mess with ya?” he asked finally.

Pressing my lips together I glanced up at him, then looked to my gray walking shoes. “Nah. I can take care of myself.”

“Yeah, like you did with whatever you tried to leave behind where you come from, only it’s followed you here?” The sarcasm in his voice wasn’t lost on me, but neither was the concern that crept in, despite his best efforts.

“It’s not your problem, Raphael. I’m not here to bring you guys more trouble. My family just thought if I left town for a while it would die down.” I shifted my gaze, from my sneakers to his large green calves, over his bulky knee pads, drifting up over his utility belt to his scuffed golden brown plastron.  He had broad muscled shoulders, a wide mouth and blunt nose, his red mask outlining his magnificent green eyes...  He was easy to look at, just as beautiful as his brother, if not more so with those gems of his. There was no denying it. These guys were special.

“Yeah, well it’s my week with you. Next week your Mikey’s problem, and after that Donnie’s.  Then it’s up to Sensei before you go back.”

“Well I’m fine. And if you want, you can tell everyone, that if I’m not training I’m no body’s problem for the week, but my own every damn day.”

His mask bunched together. “I tell ya what, you answer me just one question and I’ll leave you alone otherwise.”

“Why?” I looked up at him and he offered me a hand, which I refused, only to push myself up and damn well near fall over. It was then that I understood, with the spinning of my universe, just how drunk I still was.

“Whoa there, Tea,” he reached out to steady me and my body drew as stiff as a board. “And there it is. Why do you do that? Cas’ I know you don’t have a problem with what I am. Leo already cleared that up.”

Pushing his hands off me I leaned against the wall, closed my eyes and waited for the ride to stop. “Why do you all talk about me?”

I peeked at him and he shrugged.

“Eh, it’s either you or The Purple Dragons, and they get boring.”

“Well I’m being stalked by a crazy ex, so you’d probably have better luck focusing on the Dragons.”

“Hmm, that explains a lot. But it doesn’t answer my question.”

“Yeah it does. I’m being stalked by my ex.”

“And that’s why you flinch every time anybody touches you?”

“Sure, why not?”

He was digging around more than I was comfortable with and pressed harder than Leo had.

“Did Crazy Ex knock you around?”

My heart started to pound. No. I wanted to scream. He did more than that.

“Fuck you, Raphael. I’m going home.”

“Ah, touchy, must be true then.”

This had nothing to do with him. Why did everyone have to be so damn nosey? I clenched my jaw and found my hands balling into fists.

“You are an insensitive ass. Get out of my way.”

Abruptly I found his face in mine, and not exactly in a threatening way. He was more or less demanding my attention by filling my field of vision with him. “You don’t know me. But I know you. You see,” he motioned towards his eyes, “I know darkness when I see it, Teagan. I’ve been there and I’ll tell you this, you have to find an outlet. If you don’t, he’ll win.”

I searched his face, trying to understand what I was seeing. He’d always seemed the most indifferent of the lot, standoffish, sarcastic, bitter even. And then I realized. We had a lot in common.

“You think I don’t know that? Why do you think I train so hard? It isn’t to beat him, I can’t do that. He already won. All I’m trying to do is escape.”

“From what?”

“What?”

“Yes, what?”

Myself. But I won’t say that. And if I keep talking like this, it will all come out. He may think he’s dark, but I’m pitch, and once he knows, I can’t ever come back from the truth. So even though for the first time I want to, I won’t answer him. I can’t, rejection hurts too damn bad.

“Take me home. Just, take me home.”

_  
_

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

**The Lair the Next Morning**

**Teagan**

“Drink this.” Raphael’s hand held a water bottle right under my nose. It bumped my cheek as I opened my eyes. He raised an eye ridge then reached down and took my hand.  I recoiled, but he held it gently anyway, placing the bottle in it. “I’ll tell Sensei you’re sick and can’t train today. You can sleep it off in my bed if you want. I’ll be in the dojo all day.” Then he turned to walk away.

Something stirred in me, which had lie beaten down and unconscious, deep within, for so long that I wondered what had changed. “Wait, Raph-”

He glanced over his shoulder, his green eyes nudging that feeling more, further awakening it, and I felt the urge to push back. “I’ll meet you there in five.”

“Hangover and all, huh?” The corner of his mouth quirked up in a grin that seemed to be reaching out to me, urging me on and I liked it.

“Hangover and all.”

XXX

April showed up while we were warming up.  

“Sorry to interrupt, Raph, can I talk to Teagan for a second?”

“Yeah, I’ll go get us some water.” He shrugged.

I noticed Donnie, Mikey, Leo and Karai practicing katas with Master Splinter. Several pairs of curious eyes darted over to us, falling on the black envelope that April held out to me.

“Training with a hangover again, huh? Didn’t you learn the last time?”

As I took the envelope from her I found myself looking straight in her bright blue eyes. “Yeah well, He found me.”

April shook her head. “Who is _He_?” She tapped the envelope, “and what does this mean?”

I slipped my fingers inside, pulled out a black card cut in the shape of a sheep and opened it.

Baa, baa Black Sheep,

Do you take me for a fool?

If you’d said yes Sir, yes Sir

Maybe he wouldn’t be coming for you.

My hands were trembling as I shoved the card back in the envelope. “It’s nothing, a joke probably.”

“A joke that has you shaking like a leaf? Teagan, does this have to do with-”

“You know it does, April. He found me. I’m never going to get away from Him. I should’ve just-” I took a deep resigning breath.  I should've just let him have me, he was going to get what he wanted one way or another anyway.  I handed the envelope back to her. “Do you want to help me?”

She nodded. “Yes, of course.”

“Then please, put this in my bag by the couch and let me train. I need to train.”

April regarded me warily until Raph reappeared.

“Everything okay?” He asked, looking from April to the envelope then to me.

I summoned that inner strength, the courage I’d tapped once before when I’d hit rock bottom. “Just fine. Let’s get back to work.”

**April**

There was no pushing her and _I_ needed to talk, had to vent to someone. With a shake of my head I made my way over to Donnie, made eye contact with Master Splinter, who nodded his approval, and grabbed my purple clad terrapin’s hand.  He followed me from the dojo, not stopping until we were in the lab.

“What is it April?” he asked, blushing under the touch of my hand, for the thousandth time since we met two years ago.  Then he began to fidget with things on his desk.

“Teagan,” I sighed, pacing back and forth, my shoes squeaking on the concrete floor. I rubbed my face, wrung my hands, and opened my mouth again. “I don’t know what happened in Kentucky. I just know it was bad. It involved a boy, and she got in a lot of trouble. Her mother never says a nice thing about her anymore, and it just, it hurts to watch her suffer. She’s not the same Donnie. She’s different. She’s… damaged. There used to be a light in her eyes and a bounce to her step. Whatever happened… it was bad.” I swallowed the ache in my throat. “She needs help and she won’t let me in! She won’t let anyone in, and,” I glanced at Donatello who dropped some kind of gadget, and looked at me with guilty brown eyes.  I choose to ignore the fact that he was only half listening. “And,” my voice dropped and my feet ground to a halt. “Now she’s getting threats here.  I’m scared for her, Donnie.”

His chocolate brown eyes shone with something we weren't yet ready for, but the downward curve on his sweet mouth told me he'd actually heard every word I'd said. “We’ll keep her safe, April.  You know we will. She just needs time. To cope, to figure it out.” He came from behind the desk and stood in front of me, tilting his head slightly. “You know as well as anyone, that’s how this works.”

I gazed into his eyes, my stress melting away. Because he’d been a large part of my stability. While I knew that tinkering, inventing, and solving problems, was how he found balance, when those things failed, we grounded each other.

Although I already knew what he was going to say, I asked anyway. Because sometimes you just needed to hear the words.

“How what works?”

“Healing.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Teagan**

Uncle Kirby came by that night and when I refused to divulge what happened beyond the very basic, “My ex-boyfriend is still stalking me and I’d like to just stay at the lair for a while until it blows over,” they agreed. When I wouldn’t explain just how crazy my ex was they had no way of knowing what to expect, but really, neither did I.

I trained so hard my body hurt, then I trained more. Raph, was like Leo, and matched the time I’d put in, until it was time for him to patrol. Too soon my week with him was over and it was my turn to train with Michelangelo.

As I lie on my back watching the sunrise into the tree, Leo came alongside me and started warming up.  Knowing Mikey didn’t have their work ethic I rolled over, got to my feet then turned to Leo. “So, how early is too early to wake him up?”

Leo chuckled. “Whenever you want. It’ll be good for him.”

Nodding, I took a deep breath and made my way from the dojo.  Trodding up the wooden stairs, and making my way down the hall I stopped before the door with a poster of an orange cat on the outside of it. Tapping softly at first, I heard a snort and snore. I waited a few minutes and knocked harder. “Mikey, it’s time to get up.”

There was laughter behind me and I looked to find Donnie and Raph shaking their heads.

“Just throw open the door and attack.” Raph shrugged.

For the first time in months a little thrill ran through me. It was like the feeling kids get when their stealing a cookie, or running wild through a field. It was a delicious mix of excitement, an opportunity to cut loose. One thing I had observed about the orange clad brother, he was all about having fun. Without thinking too hard, I flung open the door, ran over to Michelangelo’s bed and jumped up on it before walking all around him. Then I started bouncing. “Come on, Mikey! It’s time to get up! Come on, Lazy Turtle, let’s train!”

“Ahhhh, stop, Teagan! This is _so_ wrong,” he groaned.

“No way, this is fun!” I laughed, bouncing all around as he pulled his pillow over his head then peeked up at me from under it. His blue eyes sparkled and a small smile grew on his face. As I jumped higher I glanced towards the door and found all three of his brothers watching.

“What’s this? She’s having…” Leo smiled.

“Shhh, you’ll ruin it.” Donnie remarked.

“FUN!” Michelangelo squealed, getting to his feet to jump on the bed with me.

Raph groaned, but our eyes met briefly and I swear I saw approval. Not that I needed it. But they all seemed relieved, that after being there for almost two months they got to hear me laugh.  It wasn’t sarcastic, or bitter, and I wasn’t completely guarded.  I relished the brief reprieve I’d granted myself, it felt good to laugh, really good.

“Watch out, Tea,” Mikey teased, before double bouncing me, causing my knees to buckle.

“Ha, you watch out, Mikey!” I bounced on the edge, then double bounced him, before returning to the edge and jumping off.

“Why can’t you guys wake me up like this every day?” Mikey chirped.

“Because we don’t have that kind of enthusiasm-” Leo shook his head.

“Or energy, this early.” Donnie agreed.

“Eh, quit messin’ around you two.” Raph waved a hand dismissively before turning for the steps.

“Aw,” Mikey and I whined as we followed Leo and Donnie toward the dojo.

Training with Michelangelo proved to be interesting. Leo was textbook, Raph was a brute, and Mikey would mix it up so that I had to constantly react without thinking. He’d come at me one way and I’d think I knew how to counter, but he’d shift directions or alter the move at the last second, and trip me up. He didn’t want to train all day though, and after lunch he invited me to play a video game with him, but wasn’t offended when I declined.

I found myself back in the dojo, ear buds in, Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger playing, while I pummeled a punching bag.  There was an inkling of pride in the fact that the bag was moving when I hit it. The boys made knocking those things around look easy, but the bags were really dense and heavy, and in the very beginning I hurt my hands more than I’d even got a sway from the canvas sack.

While I had meant to clear my head, my mind clung to the damn card. Black Sheep. He wasn’t the first to call me that. My family, at home, had let me know what they thought of me. Time and again.

_“What the hell are you doing?”_

_“I’m helping Mom out. She wanted the bathroom sponge painted and I said I’d do it for her.”_

_“You’re not going to make my Mother’s house look like a whorehouse!”_

_“Shannen!” Her boyfriend had yelled at her._

_“Well she dresses like one, acts like one, but she won’t make my Mother’s house into one.”_

_“Shannen, that’s enough!” I’d never heard him yell at her that loud and I loved him for defending me, even a little, because no one else ever had._

_I was so embarrassed I’d retreated into my bedroom and crawled out the window. All I could think was she believed I was a whore. My own sister thought I was a whore._

I’d done a piss poor job of taping my knuckles and before I knew it there were splatters of red skipping over the rhythmically swinging bag. The crimson stain blurred as something hot and wet filled my eyes.  I punched harder still, angry with the growing abyss that began with one bad decision.

Why hadn’t anyone looked out for me? I was a stupid sixteen year old girl, one with an absent father, a single mother working two jobs, a handicapped baby sister and an older one who was a single mom herself. I guess everyone was so damn busy with their own shit no one had any idea what I’d gotten involved in, or _who_ I was involved with.

Well they had to have some clue. They all thought I was a whore.

No.

They had no idea.

I couldn’t hear myself snarling amid the shower of tears slipping down my cheeks as I pummeled the bag, not until it abruptly stopped swinging, and Michelangelo’s wonderful face blurred into focus. He held the bag in his hands, patiently waiting, while respecting my space.  I found myself staring into eyes as blue as the clearest ocean waters and wise beyond the charade I suddenly realized he always put on.

“What?” I snapped, even though my heart wasn’t in it.

He didn’t flinch, only offering me a miniscule smile. “You’re getting blood all over the bag.” He clicked his tongue. “That’s not cool, Tea. You’re form is great, but you suck at taping your knuckles.” He pointed to the scarlet smears over the bag then motioned to my battered hands. “Come on, get those cleaned up and then let’s get out of here.”

“It’s still daylight, how are you-”

Mikey frowned. “Teagan you’ve been in here for five hours. The suns down, babe.” The orange of his mask bunched in concern as I blinked, wondering how I kept losing time. I was so pathetically lost, turned around, still trying to make sense of this mess I called my life. Michelangelo seemed to be mulling something over, then nodded as if he’d made up his mind. “Let’s get a pie and hang out. Come on, I don’t bite… Well, that’s not true,” he grinned, “I bite pizza.”

For half a second I wanted to go with him. But it seemed the longer I was surrounded by them the more desperate the urge to confess my sins became.

I looked away from him and whispered. “It’s probably better if I just clean off this bag and shower before dinner.”

“Nope, go see Donnie about your knuckles. I’ll get the bag. I’m not taking no for an answer, we’re bouncin’.”

Glancing sideways at him I saw how his eyes sparkled on the surface, but when I turned to look at him full on, I saw there was something deep at work just beneath.  Even if he didn’t know what I’d done, what I was struggling with, in that moment it did not matter. Not to him, I was sure of it. Somehow I was nodding my head and surrendering. “Ok.”

“Good.” His orange banded eye ridges waggled. “Now go shower girl, you smell worse than Raph right now.”

“Ew!” I protested, only to turn for the door and almost slam into said stinky brother.

“Really?” Raphael crossed his arms as one eye ridge arched. His eyes flickered to the bag, my knuckles and then Michelangelo. There was some silent exchange between them, before Raph gave a slight nod and set his eyes back on mine. Then he sniffed in my direction and flinched. “I smell hella better than that.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Such an ass,” I muttered as I stepped around him and made my way to Donnie’s lab.

Standing outside the open door I stuck my head in and cleared my throat. Now that I’d stopped beating on the bag my knuckles were stinging.

Donatello’s goggle-covered head peeked out from behind a curtained off area. “Oh, Teagan.  Hey. What’s up?”

“I uh-” I hated asking for help about as much as I loathed talking about myself. My stomach churned as I stood there fumbling for words.

“Uh, Teagan, you’re dripping blood on the floor.” He pointed to the drops falling in little paint-like splatters to the concrete beneath my outstretched hand.

“Oh, sorry.” 

“It’s okay, come on in. I’ll have you patched up in no time.” He motioned me over to a metal table but I sat in the chair beside it instead. It didn’t seem to bother him and he began gently peeling away the athletic tape.

A hiss escaped through my teeth as he freed a damaged knuckle and a tear of skin rose with it. He changed the direction of the pull and it lay back down. Once he’d removed the tape he set to cleaning the wounds before dressing them, and finally re-wrapping them only in gauze for the moment. He made no small talk, and his tongue slipped out of the corner of his mouth as he worked. For some reason, even though there was silence waning between us, I didn’t feel compelled to fill the space with pointless babble and he seemed comfortable without it. As he finished with the thin layer of wrap he reached for a bucket, removed the lid and held it out to me.

“What color do you want?”

I peeked inside and grinned. It was full of red, orange, purple, blue, yellow, and black athletic wrap.

“What no green?” I teased.

Donnie’s head tipped to one side. “Huh?”

“Nothing,” I said quickly.

He seemed to catch my little joke and laughed softly then asked, “What’s your favorite color? I’ll ask April to pick up some tape for you.”

“I like all colors, but green a little more I guess.”

Donatello’s shy smile warmed my heart. “Green it is. So, what color do you want for today?”

I looked in the box, contemplating the vibrant colors and their underlying meanings. “Black,” I frowned.

Donnie’s rich brown eyes searched my face and I resisted the draw to look in them.

“Teagan, would it be alright if I picked for you?”

“Sure.” I shrugged.

The corner of his mouth quirked up and he reached in the box and pulled out the red tape. He unrolled it and began wrapping my hands.

“Can I ask why red?” I watched him work, quickly, efficiently.

He shrugged, but I noticed the corners of his eyes flicker with wrinkles. “I have a lot of red tape, boxes of it.”

“You use that little of it?” I asked, leaning over to look inside the bin. Sure enough there were at least a dozen rolls of red rolling around in it and only two or three of the others.

Donatello looked up from his work to flash me an amused smile. “No. I use it the most, so I keep a lot of it on hand.”

Pursing my lips I nodded. “Oh.”

Moments later he sat up straight.  When I realized how bent over he’d been trying to work on my hands I mentally kicked myself. I should’ve sat on the damn table. It would’ve been easier for him.

“You’re all done,” he announced as he collected his supplies and began putting them away.

“Uh, thanks.” I stood, uncertainly watching as he seemed to busy himself. Suddenly I felt like I was intruding his space and my stomach twisted as I drew the inevitable conclusion that Donatello probably didn’t like me. I don’t know why that thought bothered me. It’s not like I should care. If I did then he could hurt me and damn that.

“Why don’t you like me?” I heard myself blurting out.

Why did I get so damn attached to others but could never find the courage to trust them enough to let them know. Oh, that’s right, because, then they’d only disappoint me in the end, they always did. Just keep your mouth shut Teagan it’s better that way.

Donnie’s head whipped around in surprise. “What?”

My lip trembled and my eyes narrowed. “Why don’t you like me?”

“Teagan, I barely know you. But I don’t _dislike_ you.” He took a step toward me and I took one back.

“Oh, okay. Sorry. Thanks for fixing me up.” I garbled the words together and gave him a regarding nod, which he returned, before I turned to leave his lab.  Then for the second time that day I almost slammed into Raphael.

“Watch where your goin’ there, Tea.” He didn’t move and I stepped back before his hands could steady me. His eyes caught the flash of red on my hands. “Red, huh?”

I scowled. “Yeah, Donnie says he buys it wholesale just for you.”

“I did not!” Donatello yelped.

Raph smirked. “Is that so?”

“Yeah, now move. I’ve got to shower.”

“Yeah, you do,” he jabbed, stepping aside.

“You should too.” I retaliated from the hall, glancing over my shoulder to find him sniffing himself.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Teagan**

With a belly full of pepperoni pizza and my feet dangling over the side of a rooftop, I breathed in deep and was disappointed by the scent of gasoline fumes that rushed straight to my head. “This is so far from where I’m from.”

Michelangelo sat beside me, chattering mindlessly about nothing in particular, something about a skateboard and finding a better set of wheels for it. He stopped talking abruptly, shifting his gaze from our view of the Brooklyn Bridge to look at me. “What’s your home like?”

I snorted. “Well it doesn’t smell like chemicals, not the part I’m from anyway. I’m from Kentucky, land of horses, basketball, bourbon and assholes.”

Mikey chuckled. “You’re from the country? Like gitty up and yee-haw, barefoot, and how’s that saying go?”

I had been smiling, but the saying brought up words I’d rather not think about.  I felt as if I’d been struck, and my guts churned as my mind rushed with memories I wished were someone else’s.

_I can always pay someone to beat it out of you._

_But I’ll just turn around and put another one in ya._

_This way everyone will know that I own you. You’ll be my head whore. They’ll have to pay me a lot if they want a taste of you._

“Teagan?” Mikey’s voice was my salvation as I felt myself fall backwards from the ledge toward the tar coated roof behind me. He was blindingly fast, catching me before my head hit the ground. I rolled to my hands and knees, losing the contents of my stomach, and felt something leathery brush my cheek as my hair was pulled back.

He said nothing when I finally stopped. I stumbled to my feet, making my way to the other side of the roof. My throat was raw, burning with stomach acid, my face wet with tears, and my insides drained and hollow once again. I bit my lip as I stared over the endless sea of rooftops, some higher than one another, the spaces between them wide like canyons in the night, deep, dark and deadly. Just like me.

“Here,” Mikey’s voice was soft as he held out a soda to me.

I accepted the can, sipping the bubbly carbon-filled drink, grateful for the sugar coating my throat, and even more so that I wasn’t alone. That is until he started talking.

“Look, Tea, don’t bail on me or anything. But have you ever talked to anybody about what happened?”

My shoulders slumped and my body suddenly felt as if it was being crushed like a car taking its turn on the press in a junkyard. “Nobody cares, Mikey, and it won’t change anything.” It surprised me that I said that much, but there was no tension between us, he wasn’t demanding anything from me. Besides I threw up when he tried to say a joke. I owed him some kind of explanation for that, especially since he’d held my hair.

“Maybe not, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going away either.” He stepped closer and his energy radiated towards me, reaching out and coaxing me to him.  I was too exhausted to really keep my guard up. Without thinking, I surrendered to the great need, that I’d denied again and again, in a desperate effort to protect myself from others. I turned for the orange clad turtle, looked in his fair blue eyes and threw my arms around his thick green neck.  Then I pressed my check against his plastron and held on for dear life.

He stiffened at first, then wrapped his muscle bound arms around me, holding me close.  I could smell a mix of pizza and the oil he used to clean his chucks, it was a pleasant scent, soothing.  I let the sensation of the comfort he offered radiate through me and it hurt as much as it helped.  He said nothing, and when I stepped back he loosened his hold.  I knew that if I wanted, he’d let me go in a second. I tested my theory, if only to reassure myself of the safety I sensed, and sure enough he let his hands fall away.

“Let me be your friend, Tea, please?” His voice was almost pleading, and as I looked upon his sweet, but worried, face I was suddenly aware of my heart thumping in a slow steady rhythm that held a certain pang at the upbeat; one that tingled with something dangerous for me. Hope. And while I knew I should bolt, from here, from them, from him, I also felt a growing certainty, that I’d be making the third biggest mistake of my life. The first having been that asshole, and the second what he made me do.

“Yes, Michelangelo, I think,” the words were falling from my lips and as they met his ears he started to glow and with it so did that tingle taking root in my chest, “I’d like that.”

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Teagan**

“Pssst, hey, Tea,” Michelangelo’s voice could barely contain his enthusiasm. “Tea,” his whisper was close to my ear, blowing my hair up in my face when he exhaled.

I opened an eye and peeked at him from my spot on the couch. “Mmm, Mikey, did I sleep in?”

He grinned as though he’d made a monumental achievement. “Nope. I’m up early. We’re going on a road trip. So grab your bags and let’s go.”

Rolling from my side onto my back I rubbed my face and blinked. The lair was dark, except for the flashlight holding turtle standing over me. “Are you serious right now?”

His eyes shut and his mouth curved up in such a way that I wanted to pinch his round cheeks. Then I thought that a bizarre impulse and figured I must be dreaming… of Michelangelo. What the hell, I’ll play along. “Okay, where are we going?”

I sat up and started pulling some clothes out of my bag and he lingered over me fidgeting.

“Mikey, what are you doing?”

“Waiting.”

Dropping my bag, I looked at him. “Waiting?”

He nodded.

“Right. You know that it’s weird to wake a girl up at-” As I started to look around for my phone he sighed, bent over, grabbed my bags and threw them over one shoulder, then snatched me up and threw me over the other.

“Sorry, Tea, but you’re taking too long.” He made his way casually toward the garage entry of the lair, tossed my bags in the back of the Shellraiser, sat me on my feet and put a set of keys in my hand.

My mind was reeling, either I _wasn’t_ sleeping, or I was only semi-awake. I could still feel where his hands touched my body, although he hadn’t hurt me, and I thought it odd that I wasn’t more upset about it. Then I thought it even stranger that I hadn’t screamed or kicked in protest. So either I _was_ dreaming, because not throwing a fit wouldn’t be the proper reaction to being thrown over someone’s shoulder and carried off, or else… it just didn’t matter.   I looked at the orange masked terrapin staring at me, wondering how it couldn’t matter that he was seemingly just shy of abducting me.

The garage was lit by the moonlight that crept in through the skylight above, and in that soft lighting his eyes shone bright with a natural zest for life. Something warmed inside me, and I realized that wherever this turtle would take me, not only would I be safe, but I might even be happy.

“Why are you giving me the keys, Dream Mikey?” I held the small round ring, that I noticed held only four colorful keys, and looked down at my lamb print pajamas.

“Dream Mikey?” he asked, an amused smirk on his freckled face.

My eyes shot to his, “Yes, well I have to be dreaming. It’s still dark out, I’m in my pajamas, and you just came and got me up, carried me around and are now telling me to drive you-”

“On a road trip, yes. Well, go on, get in and let’s go.” He opened the driver door, pointed to the seat and as I climbed inside he slid open the side door and grabbed something, then closed it and hopped in the passenger seat wearing a bright orange hoodie. His head was covered but his eyes caught the light again and I felt my stomach dip.

“Those eyes and that smile,” I sighed and shook my head, then put the blue key in the ignition, started up the enhanced armored car, and just barely heard Mikey chuckling over the roar of the engine. He reached up and pressed a button on the visor and the garage door rolled back and we were on our way.

He gave me simple directions to the highway for the first hour and as the city lights fell behind us, fading into the distance, and the sun started to rise ahead, it occurred to me that this was a very bizarre dream. For one thing, the Michelangelo sitting next to me was unusually quiet, and I could feel him looking at me. My heart started to pound, and my grip on the steering wheel tightened, and after his announcement of, “Go straight for the next two and a half hours, while I take a nap.” I lost it.

I pulled the car over, cut the engine and turned to face him. “I’m not dreaming, am I?”

He laughed so hard I thought I’d die of embarrassment. I unbuckled my seat belt, leaned over and swatted him all over his hoodie covered arms, which only made him laugh even harder. When I grabbed the strings of his hoodie and pulled so them so tight the hood closed over his face, he protested, “Hey!”

Then he reached out and started tickling me. I found myself laughing so hard my sides hurt and I couldn’t breathe, “Oh, my God, Michelangelo stop!” I pleaded, and in a second, his hands were back in his lap.

I gasped for breath and sank back into my seat, leaning against the door, breathing in waves of oxygen, my heart pounding, and I couldn’t help the smile on my face, despite my past, despite my burdens, my crimes, all of it. He made me laugh, he made me feel… alive. I felt a lump rise in my throat and bit my lip as we stared at each other, and I wondered what he was thinking.

“You okay?” he asked finally, and the frown on his face tugged at my heart.

“Yes. I’m just, really confused.” And I am, but not just about where in the world we’re going, but why I really don’t care. Not as long as I’m with him. Oh God, he’s getting in. I’m letting him in.

“Tea?” his voice is gentle and I want to hear it again.

“Hmm,” I shake my head to clear it of the strange fog that seems to be creeping in and I think maybe I didn’t get enough sleep.

“We should really keep going. I’m a little nervous being out in the light of day for too long.”

“Huh? Oh! Right. Uh, where are we going?” I turned to face the road and started the Shellraiser back up. “Oh, my God, Michelangelo did we steal the Shellraiser? And why aren’t you driving? All of your brothers drive.”

“Is there any particular order you want those questions answered?”

“Mikey,” I groaned.

“We’re going to the Hamptons house. And no, we didn’t steal the Shellraiser, Sensei and Mr. O’Neill know that we’re going there. And we left early because I didn’t want to be on the road during peak traffic. And, I don’t know how to drive.”

I glanced in his direction and found him playing with the strings of his hoodie.

“Why didn’t you say anything yesterday? When was it decided that we would go? Who’s idea was this? I mean I love the Hampton’s house, I practically grew up there. But, no one asked me-”

“Any particular order you want _those_ questions answered?” he lowered the back of his seat and put his arms behind his head.

“Excuse me, _Michelangelo_ , but what are you doing?” I checked the speed limit, then the speedometer, glanced in his direction, reached over and swatted him across his ridiculously brightly clothed plastron. “And by the way, this isn’t exactly a discreet shade of orange!”

“Hey! I was gonna take a nap. After all, now that you know where we’re going, I know you know how to get there.” He tilted his head in my direction and I caught sight of his mischievous grin. My stomach fluttered and I took a deep breath and redirected my attention to the road.

“Answer my questions, Mikey.”

“Master Splinter thought you needed to get away from everything. Time to heal, kinda stuff I guess. When he talked to him, Mr. O’Neill said you were always happiest at the Hamptons house, and since I can go there and even walk around in broad daylight-”

“Why didn’t you say anything yesterday?”

He yawned, “Because Master Splinter told me after you’d already crashed on the couch.”

“Well we’re still training right?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he lowered his seat back more and two seconds later he was snoring.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Teagan**

Mikey was still sleeping when I pulled onto the tree lined gravel drive, and up to the old farmhouse. The paint was chipping on all the corners, and the black roof had faded to a pale gray, the rolling blinds all hung three quarters of the way down the windows like drooping eyelids, and I thought the house appeared weary and resting.

I could almost see a child version of myself running up to the screen door, popsicle dripping down my arm, as I’d pull it open and run straight through the living room into the kitchen and right back out through the backdoor. My mother would yell at me to not run in the house and to close the backdoor, but I wouldn’t listen, too busy running barefoot through the backyard, feeling the summer sun warming my hair, the light glowing against my skin.

Everything about this place was all that had been good in my childhood. Those were the only times my parents didn’t fight. A pressure tightened in my chest and a lump rose to my throat. When they divorced we quit coming. My Mom could’ve brought me, but she quit on our family, that or she just had to work. I stood on the porch, running my fingers over the peeling white painted rails.

Well, I thought, as I let out a sad sigh, I was here with a new beginning. When I turned to look at the Shellraiser I found Michelangelo leaning against the side of it, arms crossed, watching me. Startled, I took a step back and shook my head. “Damn ninjas.”

He pushed the hood back from his head and grinned, “It’s the orange key on the ring, Tea.”

I looked at the keys in my hand and realized they were, in fact, in each of their colors. “Why’s it orange?   What do the others go to? And how long have you been standing there?”

He laughed, “Any particular-”

“Mikey,” I raised my eyebrows and pursed my lips.

“The purple one is to April’s Dad’s apartment and when she gets her own place, it will be to her apartment. It’s for emergencies, and obviously she’s Donnie’s favorite person in the world. The red is to the garage, its Raph’s favorite place, the blue is to the Shellraiser because Leo thinks it’s his, even though Donnie built it. And the key to the house is orange, because it’s my favorite place in the world. I’ve been standing here since you walked up the front steps. There did I get everything?” His movements were smooth and fluid as he made his way to stand beside me, took the key gently from my hand and slid it into the lock.

I found myself staring at the orange clad terrapin and wondered just how much he had to do with bringing me here. The irony that my favorite place in the world was his too, was not lost on me. The screen door creaked on its hinges and the smell of mothballs greeted us as we stepped inside. He unzipped the hoodie and tossed it over the back of the old plaid couch, turned and asked me, “So which room is yours?”

“The one with the two twin beds side by side, the blue antique floral print quilts and the vaulted ceiling,” I watched the smile growing on his face and realized, I was grinning too.

“Yeah, so we’re roomies then. You okay with that?” His blue eyes sparkled as he lifted his chin and his bandanna covered eye ridges rose and fell.

I laughed, then pressed my lips together and nodded, “Yeah, there’s two beds in that one room, in this six bedroom house, but I think I can trust you stay on your side of the room Mikey. Can’t I?”

He nodded and looked toward the kitchen. “We’ll need food. I’m starving.”

“I shopped while you were sleeping. The groceries are in the Shellraiser.”

His head whipped around, “I didn’t wake up for that?”

“Stealth is my thing Mikey. So far it’s all that I’ve mastered,” I waved a hand at him, “Come on let’s bring the bags in.”

“I’ll gett’em and meet you in the kitchen. Go see if we have flour for pancakes!” He darted out the door, and by the time I had my hand on the lid of the ceramic flour canister he was behind me with the groceries.

“Well?” he asked as he started unloading the contents of the bags.

I closed the lid on the canister and peeked at him over my shoulder, “We need a recipe, but…”

His brow furrowed, “What?”

“I think we can have pancakes. Grab the milk and eggs.”

He rolled his eyes, “We don’t need a recipe. I’ve got this. You sit over there and look cute. I will cook for you My Lady.”

Laughing, I lifted the lid off the canister and realized, it was just me and him, and he was lighthearted and warm and friendly, and I was in my favorite place, and safe, and damn it, I was going to enjoy every minute of the next three days. And there was no scowling mother, no disappointed sister, no asshole harassing me, and he had no brooding brother, no lecturing brother, and no brainiac brother blowing something up. It was just us, and with that thrill coursing through me for the second time in a week, I reached inside the jar and scooped up a handful of flour and flung it at his face.

His already big blue eyes widened in surprise, “Oh, no you didn’t.”

Nodding, I scoffed, “Oh yes, I did.”

He reached around, snatching the canister from me, scooped up a handful and I tried to duck around him, but he blocked me, and I wheeled around and darted for the back door. Somehow he was in front of me and a puff of flour flew over my head. In the cloud of white I couldn’t find him, but as it settled he was standing back at the counter mixing ingredients in a large bowl, with a layer of powder over his cheeks and a smudge on his mask. My insides clenched and whirled and my heart skipped a beat at the adorable look on his face.

“Well, you gonna put an egg in here or throw one of those at me, next?” he poured unmeasured milk in the bowl, looked me in the eye, then motioned me over with his head. “Come on, we still need baking soda, and baking powder. They should be-”

“In the cabinet over your shoulder,” I finished for him, and he nodded, then reached for the carton of eggs and cracked one over the bowl.

I stood looking at this five foot seven talking turtle, that had five inches over me, with the sweetest face I think I’d ever seen, cooking without a recipe, which some part of me questioned, but I found it even more pressing that my palms were starting to sweat and my heartbeat was becoming an audible sound in my head.

“Tea? Baking soda, and powder?” He made a “hurry up” face.  

When I shook my head, a puff of flour flew off me, and I wondered how badly he’d doused me. I reached behind him and stood on tiptoe to reach the boxes. He laughed when I climbed on the counter so I could reach them, but didn’t offer to help, instead he continued stirring.

Five minutes later he was pouring batter into a warmed skillet, and I watched him working with every bit the confidence he had when wielding his weapon. I wondered if he realized that the kitchen paralleled Donnie’s lab and that what he was doing was in fact a form of science. I poured us two glasses of orange juice, and he placed two plates of pancakes coated in maple syrup on the table. They were picture perfect and delicious, and as he sat there savoring every bite, I realized that he knew exactly how good of a cook he was. As I took my last bite, sank back in my chair, and moaned of a full tummy he grinned and did the same.

“Mikey, that was, yummy.”

“Hmm, I know. Want to train now?” He said it with a sincere face, but a gleam in his eye, and I was conflicted, wanting to smack him on the arm again, and, to my surprise, I also wanted to do the complete opposite and wipe the flour dusting from his adorable cheek. God he was going to get to me, quick.

I straightened in my chair and tried to summon some sort of angry, defensive resolve. “Hell no, now I’m too stuffed to move. Ugh, you’ll have me all fat and out shape in three days.”

He laughed, “Eh, let’s take a walk. We can train later, when it cools off again.”

“Okay.” I agreed, but when I moved to clean up, he took the plates from me, put them in the sink and motioned for me to follow him out the back door. And as we stepped out into the mid-morning summer sun my resolve faltered again. There was an undeniable honesty to him, and I could do little to fight his innocent charms, because he did not operate with an agenda, he functioned to be happy, to live, to laugh, enjoy life and just have fun. And as he turned and tapped my shoulder chirping, “You’re it.”

I couldn’t help thinking, no, you are.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Teagan**

After spending most of the afternoon playing “find the ninja”, in the barn, in the Shellraiser, in a tree, in the house, in the barn again, I realized that we didn’t have to have a formal training session to get a work out. Keeping up with Michelangelo was a demanding feat, but it was the most fun I’d had in the past year, maybe since being a kid.

Now Mikey danced around the kitchen, humming the tune of his favorite song while he made dinner, and I stretched out on the couch feeling sun-worn and sleepy. Staring at the blank TV, I curled up and pulled the rosette throw pillow under my cheek, and let my mind replay the highlights of the past forty-eight hours, but my thoughts drifted from my orange clad friend, and crept into darker places that always seem to linger and wait, for just the right moment to attack.

_“Do it,” his beady green eyes flashed and his full pink lips curled into a wicked smile, revealing his teeth._

_“Never,” I swallowed and took in shuddering breaths, bracing for the heat._

_He made a disappointed clucking sound, shook his head, and with one hand restrained my arms overhead while he pressed the heated lighter tip against my thigh._

_I whimpered and tried to breathe, as my flesh melted against the lighter, before he pulled it back and lit the flame again, holding it in front of my face, “Now. Do it,”_

“No!” I sat upright, and realized I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I looked around me, chest heaving, drenched in sweat, to find Michelangelo jumping from the armchair, and to my side as if it had been him that was burned.

“You’re okay, you’re okay Tea! It’s just me, you and me, you’re safe.”

With my heart jerking, as if it were going to leap out of my chest, so hard it was almost painful, I ran my fingers over my legs and looked around, dazedly, trying to find something to focus on, something to ground me.

“Hey,” he dropped to his knees beside me, and filled my field of vision with his bare face, “Hey, here,” he offered me his hand and I looked at his thick green fingers, up his muscle bound arms, over the ridge of his carapace which peeked just behind the top of his thick shoulders, to his neck, his own pulse hammering against it, and rest my gaze on his wide blue eyes, open and inviting, and he nodded, “Come on, you’re fine, I’ve got ya.”

I found myself reaching out and wrapping my arms around his neck and as he pulled me close I breathed him in and felt safe. He scooped me up, tugging along a blanket I know I hadn’t pulled over myself, and carried me upstairs, where he pulled back the covers on my bed and laid me in it. But I grabbed his hand as he let me go, “Mikey,”

“It was just a nightmare Tea,” he gave my hand a little squeeze and went to release it.

“Stay.” I looked over my shoulder.

“My beds right there, remember? I’ll be right here.”

I shook my head, “No, stay here, please? Just hold me.”

“I’d love to Tea, but we aren’t both gonna fit in that bed.”

Pulling my pillow further down under my cheek I felt something wet on my hand and realized I was crying.

He looked at me and shook his head, “We could go to another room.”

“No, that’s okay, I’ve never slept in a different one than this. It’s my favorite. Reminds me of when I was a little girl.”

He stared at me a second, darted behind me and shoved his bed against mine, then, making sure I saw what he was doing, he laid down on his side and opened his arms for me. With a still pounding heart, I crawled over to him and pulled my blanket along with me, covering us both. He kept his arm against his side and I reached up and pulled it down around me and snuggled up against him. The scent of pizza filled my nostrils and I felt a small smile slip over my lips as he comforted me, by just being there.

“You missed dinner,” he said suddenly.

“You covered me up, while I was napping.” I shrugged, “if you make me all warm and comfy, how could I wake up for dinner?”

“I did cover you up. You were all curled up and shivering.” His lips brushed my ear, and the last of my fears were washed away, replaced with something I hadn’t felt in a long time, a hint of lust. He didn’t help when his breath warmed my neck as he whispered, “and really cute, by the way.”

“Mikey,” I warned.

“Just sayin,” he shrugged.

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Teagan**

The bed squeaked and I felt springs shifting and creaking as Michelangelo bounced, “Come on Tea, get up! Lazy Girl, it’s time to train!” He bounced and bounced and I felt myself sinking and rising until I was being tossed lightly up in the air and shifting around in the bed.

“Mikey!” I groaned and looked up to find him, shifting from one bed to the other. The old springs protested and groaned. “You’re going to-”

I didn’t get to finish as his bed gave one last squeak before collapsing beneath his latest leap. He jumped from the falling mattress, to my bed and stood over me. “My bad,” he frowned.

“Break the bed.” I sighed and looked up at him. Good grief, he’s adorable even when he’s in trouble.

As he stood on my bed, looking at the mess of a destroyed bed on the floor, then over to me, he frowned, “Mr. O’Neill is going to be mad isn’t he?”

I sat up and looked over the side of my bed, “I’ll just say I did it. It wouldn’t be the first thing I’ve broken here.” I glanced at Mikey, “It’s usually windows. Well, it was a window when I ran away and tried to come here. That was a few years ago.”

Michelangelo was quiet, and lowered himself to sit at the foot of the bed.

With the room bare of speech, the sound of someone bouncing on a bed, or said bed crashing into the floor, I was able to hear the steady rhythm of rainfall against the roof. “Is it raining?”

Mikey crossed the room and lifted the shades, “Oh, yeah it is. Looks like unless we go to the barn, no training today.”

“Hmm, hey, didn’t you say you didn’t know how to drive?”

He rubbed his hand over his short bandana tails, “Yeah.”

“Well, I’m going to teach you!” I climbed from the bed, snatched some clothes from my bag and bounded off for the bathroom.

A shower, and another remarkable breakfast later, we were in the Shellraiser with Mikey bouncing in the driver seat. He fidgeted with all the buttons and switches, but as the hazard lights started flashing, the radio was blasting, and the lights in the cabin kept getting bright and then dimming, I started to feel like I was at a rave.

“Uh, Mikey?”

He pushed button after button, flipping switches on and off and on again, while looking around to see what they did, but he failed to turn anything off and leave it off.

“MIKEY!” I thrust my arm out and lowered it across both of his and he stilled. It occurred to me the way his face grew serious and his entire demeanor changed every time we touched. He was cautious, aware of his behavior, and aware of my reaction. With our eyes locked on one another I raised my eyebrows and smiled, “Stop. Just. Sit. There.” He nodded and I started turning everything off. “Okay, now, buckle up.”

His eyes lit up again and he pulled the seatbelt over and clicked it in place.

“Now, turn your windshield wipers back on, and it’s kind of dark out so go ahead and, Mikey, don’t touch that, no, not that one, the, not that one, the, would you stop touching that! That one, yes, the headlights. Good. Now put your foot on the brake, push it all the way to the floor, and look D is drive, R is reverse, and P is park. We’re going to practice driving up and down the driveway, so start with Drive.”

After fifteen minutes of driving up and down the driveway and still managing to turn everything back on, he was getting bored and I felt he was ready to move to the road.

He bounced in his seat as we neared the end of the driveway.

“Okay, so keep to the right side. We’re going to the gas station. We’ll fill up, grab a pizza and head back to the house.”

“Sounds great Tea!”

“Mikey, it’s raining really hard so it’s okay to drive slower than the speed limit.”

“Sure thing Tea.” He chirped.

The gas station was only five miles away. It was a remote, rickety shack, but their homemade pizzas were really good. Mikey slipped into a pair of jeans and pulled his hoodie back on, then stood outside and filled up the Shellraiser while I went in and ordered our pie.

“It’ll be fifteen minutes on the pizza,” the cashier, a heavyset middle-aged man, told me.

“It’s worth the wait,” I said, paying and glancing back to the Shellraiser. When I didn’t see Mikey I knew he was hanging out in the back of the car, probably bored out of his mind. I looked at the cashier again, “I’m just going to wait in my car though. I’ll be back, okay?”

“Sure, kid.” The cashier shrugged.

When I climbed in, I found him lying on his hoodie covered shell with his feet propped against the back wall. He was frowning as he looked at his phone. I slid the door shut behind me and went to stand beside him. “What’s wrong Mikey?”

“No service. Can’t even play a game,” he sighed and shoved the phone in the pocket of his jeans.

“Can I sit with you?”

He sat upright and I realized he was soaked through and so was the seat, but then as I looked myself over I found my tank top and pants were stuck to me too. When I shifted my gaze to his face, he was smiling, and I wondered if he didn’t just naturally smile, for no reason at all. “Michelangelo, have you ever heard of bitch resting face?”

“Sure, but you don’t do that Tea, you just look like you’ve got a lot on your mind.” He looked at the empty spot on the bench beside him and I sat down, and let out a soft laugh, because I wasn’t thinking about myself.

“No, that’s not what I meant. I was just thinking, you’re the complete opposite. You’re like, happy resting face.”

He shrugged, his smile growing even wider, “That’s because I _am_ happy.”

“Yeah,” I sigh, “you’re a happy guy.” I say it like I don’t mean it and he leans over and sticks his face in mine.

“I _am_ a happy guy. You sound like you have a problem with that.”

His blue eyes are searching me, and as I’m meeting his gaze evenly, and thinking about his words, I realize that while he may be a happy soul, he’s got his share of troubles too. “You never push me to talk about my past. And I realize now that no one ever asks about yours.”

A flicker of annoyance flashes through his blues, and very passionately he tells me, “That’s because I handle it. My own way. I’m not going to let anybody tear me down, or try to hurt me or anyone I love, and no one will ever change who I am or how I choose to live my life.”

He backs up a little, as if calming himself down, and I find my heart pounding, but not with fear, but respect and admiration. He’s not damaged by his past, it’s there, he’s carrying his hurt, on the inside, and that must be terribly lonely, but he copes by bringing joy to others. With an intensity that’s unusual for him, he says to me, “You’ve got to see the good side of things Tea, and if you can’t find the light, make your own.”

My heart skips a beat, as his words enter my ears and bounce around in my head echoing there, before rolling around and making their way down my throat to rest somewhere in my chest. Somewhere that hurts, but those words and his eyes, and that smile, on those thick green lips. Green lips. On that wide mouth. I lean forward, only inches, because that’s how far he is from me, with my eyes on those lips, and as I gravitate toward them, they move closer to me, my eyes flicker up to meet his and my breath hitches, and our mouths meet. His is wider and we fumble around trying to make it work, and because we both want it to, it does, his lips are cool and soft and he tastes like oranges, and as his hand moves through my hair and he pulls me against him I find my heart opening, and it scares me.

I jerk back and he releases me without a hint of hesitation.

Still feeling the pressure of his lips on mine, I bring my fingers to my mouth and look at him.

“Teagan, I-” His eyes are wide, and he’s visibly shaking, but he places his hands in his lap and stays where he is, and he waits.

I hold up my hand and look at the door, “I can’t, Mikey, that was my fault, I’m sorry, and I just-” I close my eyes and try to still my frantically beating heart, and I know, I can feel it in every bone in my body, we’ve started something. Something I’m horribly afraid that I want. I pull the handle and slide back the door, “I’m going to see if the pizza is ready.” And I step out into the pouring rain, hoping it will wash away the tiny hope he’s planted, the rays of light that are seeping in through the cracks in my shields, cracks that he’s made, and I wish I wasn’t so damn damaged, maybe if I wasn’t, then I could possibly deserve him.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Home**

Settle down, it’ll all be clear

Don’t pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble-it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone

~Phillip Phillips~

**Teagan**

We didn’t speak on the way back to the house, and the tension in the air wasn’t anger, it was more magnetic. He’d awoken something in me I wasn’t expecting. With every raindrop that pelted the car, it echoed inside, and I watched the drops slapping the pavement, bouncing off in deep steamy splashes and as they cleansed the streets I wanted to run in them.

So when Michelangelo parked the Shellraiser and I thought for a second I should commend his excellent first time driving, I couldn’t, because I flung open the door, jumped out, ran to the center of the yard, threw back my head and let warm summer rain fall over me. My heart was pounding, my eyes were burning, and I wanted to scream, if I could just scream and push every burden out, purge it from me, if I could just be, free.

That thought, that desire, that feeling… With my hair plastered to my face, water rushing over me, my clothes clinging to every part of me, I looked over my shoulder and he was standing there, every bit as drenched, with his hands in his pockets and a frown on his sweet face. And the sight of that unfortunate curve of his mouth, it hurt, I was hurting him, and I took a tentative step toward him and he didn’t move, his eyes never leaving mine.

“I’ll wait, Tea.”

I came to stand before him, raindrop’s crashing over us, hitting my skin and forcing away my pain and I knew the relief would only last while the drops fell, but it was cleansing and I needed it. And I looked up in those heavenly blue gems of his and he shook his head and repeated himself, “I will wait Tea.” And with a maturity greater than his years, he leaned forward and his lips brushed my cheek, “I will be right here, I’m always here, and when you’re ready I will still be here. I’m a patient guy Teagan. Take your time.” And he kissed my cheek again, then the top of my head, took a deep breath and went in the house.

With rain falling endlessly over me, I stared at the front door, he’d left open, and I felt my chest shuddering and salty droplets of water slipping into my open lips, I ran my fingers over them again and closed my eyes. _“I will wait Tea.”_ And I wondered what the world looked like through Michelangelo’s eyes, because through mine he was remarkable.

XXX

**Teagan**

It was our last night at the Hamptons house. I hated last nights, I hated leaving. Mikey had backed way off, yet somehow managed to maintain his warmth and I thought he was going out of his way to make sure I was still comfortable with him before we’d go home. And because I recognized that, it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. But I tried to avoid touching him, or looking to long in his perfect blue eyes. I had to push my feelings to the side. Nothing good could come of him having me in his life. I’d screw everything up for sure, especially with crazy ass still out there sending me threats.

We’d managed to fix his bed, sort of, if stacking the mattresses on two hope chests counted. We hid the metal parts in the closet. Hopefully Donnie would be with us on the next trip out and he could repair it. Anyway his bed was slightly higher than mine now and I lay on my side watching him sleep.

His words kept replaying over and over in my head.

_“I’ll wait Tea.”_

There was an ease about him, and I realized that despite his usually limited attention span, he _was_ very patient… with me. He’d fidgeted with anything, he’d lose interest and move on, he let things go, and yet with every interaction we had, he was careful, mindful, and yes, patient.

Layers, everyone had them, and Michelangelo was no exception.

His mask hung on the headboard, and the orange seemed to glow in the moonlight, and it pushed a thought to the forefront of my mind, that, that part of his life, was only a fraction of who he was. And I knew it wasn’t by choice, but necessity. But that unique creature, he wanted more, and if anyone deserved more, it was him.

He whimpered and mumbled something about squirrels, and his blanket slid off his shell onto the floor. I crept from the bed, picked it up and pulled it back over him. Tiny moonbeams shone over his green shoulder and I could just see the freckles on his cheek as I bent over and kissed it.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Teagan**

For the drive home we’d listened to a wide selection of music. We took turns picking songs on my ipod and he downloaded a few that he insisted I have. We also switched out drivers, he drove halfway and I the rest. The closer we got to the city, I felt the weight of my burdens creeping in.

By the time we’d pulled into the garage I had a headache and my throat hurt. I thought at first it was the music, but as we stepped into the lair and exchanged greetings with everyone, when it came Raph’s turn he bluntly told me I looked like I’d been punched in the face. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but my muscles were aching, so I went to take a hot shower. When I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes were dull and there were dark circles under them. I flipped through the medicine cabinet and found it full of band-aids and antiseptic and little else.

“Donnie it is then,” I sighed and closed the door.

I made my way down the steps to the lab and knocked. I hadn’t passed anyone on my way down but I could hear movement in the dojo and I wondered if I was late for afternoon training.

“Hey Teagan, we’re in the dojo. Did you need something?” Donatello’s voice came from behind me and as I turned to face him his gentle smile faded, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think I may have a little cold. I couldn’t find any ibuprofen in the medicine cabinet. I thought maybe-” I rubbed my neck and eyes and shifted uncomfortably.

“Sure, I keep them put away because I don’t trust Mikey to take the right amount. Come on, I’ll get them for you.” He opened the door to the lab and I followed him in. He pulled open a drawer on his desk, opened the bottle and handed me two little orange pills.

“Thanks. Am I late for training?” I asked as he pulled a paper cup from the cabinet above his sink, filled it with water and held it out to me.

“You look like you should be headed for bed. Not the dojo.”

I straightened my aching body, “No, I’ve got to get in at least an hour.”

Donnie appeared skeptical, “Well, see what Master Splinter says. But if he asks me, you need at least a day in bed.”

And that’s exactly where Splinter sent me. Only my bed was the couch, which during the day was as good and loud as Grand Central Station. With a box of tissues on the floor beside me, and a dose from the bottle of cold medicine April brought in me, I tossed and turned, pulling my pillow over my head, for all the noise the boys were making with video games, smack talk, and wrestling.

Suddenly I heard a throat clearing above me and I looked up at Michelangelo’s goofy smile, “You can sleep in my bed Tea, I’ll take the couch till you feel better.”

I sighed, “Mikey have you seen your room? Can you even find the floor for the food and clothes and garbage?”

“Have you seen me today, since we got home and I finished training?” He blinked innocently and I knew something was up.

“Nooo, whyyy?” I sat up slowly and grabbed my stuffed monkey, and pillow, and he moved his hand across my line of sight and reached for mine.

“You can sleep in my bed Tea. Trust me.”

He guided me to the steps and motioned for me to go. So I climbed the winding stairs and drug my feet down the hall to his door, sniffled, and braced myself for whatever was in there. And when I opened his door the room was immaculate. I pulled back his orange blanket and saw that even the bed sheets were fresh. And I sank into the cool sheets, shivering with fever and pulled the blanket up around me, snuggled up to my monkey, and wished I could breathe in and smell him. But at least I could look around his room and see him, everywhere.

It must’ve taken him hours to clean this room. I knew it to always have food under the bed, pizza boxes lying around, and had even found cheese stuck to his comic books. Not now.

I don’t know how long I slept, but when I opened my eyes, climbed from the bed, pulled my hair into a ponytail and made my way into the hall, the lair was dark. I felt a little burst of energy and made my way downstairs to find Mikey asleep on the couch, snoring. I glanced at the clock, four-thirty in the morning huh? I made my way to the dojo and started to warm up.

My body ached and my energy faded, but I picked up the tape and started to wrap my knuckles.

“Are you ever going to do that right?” I was surprised to look up and see Donatello standing there.

“Oh, Donnie, I thought, I expected Mikey. Thought I woke him up when I walked through the living room. What are you doing up?”

Donatello held out his hands, motioning for me to let him help, which I did. “I was up doing some research. Then I went to check on you, and you weren’t there.” He stopped wrapping, but wasn’t finished and looked me in the eye, “You’re different, since you first got here.   I can’t, I haven’t figured it out yet, but you’re different.”

I shrugged, “Am I?”

He nodded and finished wrapping. “You train with me this week. Is there anything you want to work on?”

My body feels heavy, and I don’t know if it’s the cold, or my past knocking. “I don’t know Donnie, I just wish I wasn’t so damn fucked up.”

“Yeah, well, you fit right in if you are.” He frowned and his shoulders slumped. It occurred to me then that Donnie wasn’t up researching things. He was up worrying about something. I studied him, the tall, lithe brother, with gorgeous warm brown eyes and a sweet gap-tooth grin.

“What’s really bothering you Donatello?” I stretched my aching arms and shoulders, and sniffled, “I mean if you’re stuck with me for a week we may as well-”

“Alright, who are you and what have you done with Teagan?” Donnie bent over and looked me in the eye, blinking as if he was searching for some indication that I wasn’t actually me.

I rolled my eyes, “What do you mean?”

He shook his head and the amethyst tails of his bandana skimmed his shoulder, “You’ve been here all summer and never actually tried to initiate a conversation of your own free will. What exactly happened to you in the past three days?”

I opted to deflect his question, “I asked you first. Look, this whole friendship thing, works best if I listen to you talk about you, but you don’t make me talk about me. Can we do that?”

Donnie sighed, “Its April.” He looked at the floor and frowned and I felt the urge to comfort him, then I thought he was right, maybe I had been abducted. And I realized, it was his little brother that was changing me. Fuck.

“What about her?” I asked, rather bluntly.

He fidgeted with the roll of tape and I placed my hands over it to still him.

“Donnie, what about her?”

“I want, to, to, ask her out.” He motioned to himself and the pain in his eyes about broke my heart, and I felt selfish, because I had been. Self loathing, miserable, and feeling sorry for myself and my situation. I was determined to punish myself. And there all four of them were, living the life of a mutant turtle. Mutant turtles. What must that be like, because as I’m watching Donnie motioning to his own skin and shell, his feelings very real, his mind brilliant beyond the capabilities of many humans, I knew that the majority of the my species would never accept him or his brothers. Not when they could barely tolerate each other. Talk about a minority.

My skin is white, but my hair is red. In my race, I am a form of a minority. But I’d suffered far less for the color of my hair, than anyone ever had for the color of their skin. And I despised the fact that anyone suffered for being who they are. Through my eyes every color was beautiful, unique, original, and I wanted all of it around me, every ethnicity, every culture, I wanted to know, I wanted to understand, experience, and embrace. I wanted my world as filled with color as possible. And it seemed my world had moved beyond just loving colors, and jumped the tracks, straight over to a new species. Well, what the hell. Paint every color on my walls, fill me in, mix it up, light it up. Bring it. And I knew April felt the same way.

“Donatello, stop fidgeting. Stop.” I gave his hands a gentle squeeze and smiled at him, which seemed to calm him down. “Ask her out.”

He shook his head, “But look at me. I can’t take her anywhere. I can’t even walk down the street and hold her hand.”

“Donnie, you are a genius. A freaking genius. And you mean to tell me, you have no idea what to do to have a date with April?”

He made a small whiney noise and I heard a little whistle through the gap in his teeth.

“Donnie, you’ve got yourself so worked up about _what_ you are, you are losing sight of _who_ you are. And _that_ , is _who_ April’s interested in. Keep it simple, have dinner at her Dad’s with her. He’s out of town again.”

Donnie studied me for a long moment, a small smile slowly spreading across his face. “You know what, you’re right.”

I shrugged, “Eh, I know, now move back and let me hit this bag. I’ve got issues to work out.”

“And I think I know what we’re going to do in our training this week too.”

I glance over my shoulder, holding the sides of the punching bag, to look at Donnie, and I saw a flicker of orange dart by the dojo door. Eavesdropping Michelangelo? Really? “What’s that Donnie?”

“Finding you a weapon,” he nods.

My hands fall to my sides, “Me?”

“You.”

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**April**

I really missed having Teagan around the apartment, especially when my dad was out of town. As the timer buzzed and the smell of pizza wafted through the house I wished I had gone to the lair. Eating alone was boring, and well… lonely.

When I heard a rapping on my balcony doors I thought for sure that Michelangelo had smelled the pizza all the way from the lair and came knocking. But when I pushed back the blinds, Donnie was there. I pulled back the door, beckoned him in and announced, “I have to just get a pizza out of the oven. You hungry?”

“Nnnnoo, no, I mean, no thank you, I mean,” he sighed and palmed his face, “April, we need to talk.”

There was something in his voice that stopped me mid-step, and I looked back at him, taking him in from head to toe, all frown, shoulders slumped, and sad-eyed, and I wondered if something bad had happened. Was Teagan okay? Were his brothers and Master Splinter? “Donnie is everything okay? No one has been hurt have they?”

His head snapped up, “Oh, no. No, everything is fine.” He pointed to the oven, “Get your pizza before it burns. No, no, it’s nothing like that. Teagan’s actually doing really well. Something happened, Mikey worked his happy magic on her I guess. But she’s actually starting to talk to us.”

My heart started to pound, “About herself? About what happened?”

“No, but still, she’s different, I don’t know, it’s a start anyway. An improvement.” He followed me into the kitchen and sat at the table while I sliced up the pizza.

I popped two slices on a plate and set it in front of him, then grabbed two for myself. Then I pulled two drinks from the fridge and gave him one before sitting beside him. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

And he started choking on his pizza.

“Donnie, Donnie! Are you okay?” I move to stand up but he holds up his hand and shakes his head.

He took a sip of his drink and nodded, “Yes, I’m fine, sorry.”

“Okay, so-” I leaned forward and raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to talk.

His eyes narrowed and he cleared his throat, then I heard the little whistle of him breathing through the gap in his teeth and I wanted badly to comfort him.

“Donnie, just say it.”

“I want, us, to date, exclusive, me, and you, and, a date. Yes, a date. Dating.” He gripped his soda can so hard it dented and soda started pouring out of the top.

As I stood on shaky legs, and reached for a wad of napkins with trembling fingers, my heart jerked in my chest and my stomach dipped horribly. After two years, we were finally there. He’d tried several times before to talk to me, and I knew how he felt, he didn’t have to say it, I just wasn’t ready. Something was always in the way, my dad was a mutant, aliens had taken over the city, Master Splinter was missing, Karai was mutated, Leo was injured, there was always something. But now, there was only one thing left to do, and as I soaked up the brown bubbling liquid and saw the devastating frown on his face, I knew I was ready, and I was going to have to break Casey Jones’ heart.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Teagan**

“Alright, Teagan, blow your nose and get over here.” Raph stood by the weapons table with a wicked smirk on his face, and I wanted to punch him. He was getting very good at provoking me with his little jabs.

“Back off Raph, let the weapon find her.” Donnie motioned me toward the table, where Master Splinter stood, ready to offer guidance.

I was in fact, blowing my nose, and still full of a cold. But I was also determined. I stood between Donnie and Raph, and looked at Master Splinter.

“How will I know?” I asked the elderly rat.

He smiled, “Look at the weapons.”

Taking a deep breath, I cleared my mind, which, in the dojo, had become easier and easier to do. My mind associated this place with clarity, and I was able to check my demons at the door. And when they tried to come inside, I worked them out on the bag. Now my eyes skimmed over sai, tessen, a tanto, nunchuks, a bo-staff, a bow and arrow, a katana, a tonfa, a set of kamas, and a three section staff.

But only one word came to mind, an image really. Wood. And I felt drawn to the staff.

“I knew it.” Donnie chirped.

I picked up the bo and felt it roll around the outside of my hand and fall back into my palm. Yes. I glanced at Splinter and caught yet another flash of orange bandana tails retreat from the dojo door.

“How’d you know Donnie?” Raph asked, shifting his weight, while he cleaned his sai.

Donnie shook his head, “I’m not sure, I just had this feeling. It came to me while we were talking the other day and I just knew.”

“Hmm,” Master Splinter hummed, “That is good Donatello. You should continue to follow your instincts as you go forward, teaching Teagan how to use her weapon.”

“Oh, okay, sure Sensei.” Donnie seemed surprised, and I realized everyone was looking at me because I was laughing. “What’s so funny?”

“You’re the stick master. Why would anyone else besides you or Master Splinter teach me? Silly Genius.”

XXX

Four days later, I’d taken to having my palms taped before practicing with the bo. My hands already had calluses and every now and then Donnie would whack my knuckles with his staff, and then pain would shoot through them so bad I’d drop my weapon, only to get my feet swept out from under me.

Right now was no exception, and I sat on the mat looking up at him, “Donnie? I’m starting to think I’ve got the wrong weapon. Either that, or I suck at this.”

He laughed and offered me hand, and as I looked at it I realized how far I’d come, because seconds later I accepted it. “Teagan you’ve been doing this a week, with a cold, and every day you add an hour more to your training. At this rate you’ll catch up to April in no time, and she’s been at this for two years already.”

“Did you ask her out yet?” I asked as he handed me a bottle of water.

“Yeah, I did. We’re having dinner, tonight.” He took a deep breath and I sensed his nerves.

“Ah, you’ll be fine. Have fun.”

He offered me a nervous but definitely excited smile, “Speaking of fun, have you had any lately?”

My heart sank, Mikey and I had put some distance between ourselves since we’d gotten back. Well, maybe it was me. He was being himself and I was keeping busy. But I missed hanging out with him. I’d just finished my week with the last of the four of them, and I’d formed meaningful relationships with each of them. But Michelangelo had won me over. I missed him. And he was right there. But as I left the dojo, my crimes, failures, and darkness fell back over me, like the devil waited outside the door and draped them around my neck as I passed through. I knew I wasn’t worthy of the orange clad brother.

Karai seemed to be dealing with her own issues and stormed out the lair door just ahead of me. I slipped out right after her and followed at a safe distance so as not to disturb her. I was supposed to spend next week training with her. And we’d barely spoken, beyond basic courtesies, since I’d arrived almost three months ago. Still everything I’d observed, and heard, told me we were different ,but she, Raph and I, seemed to carry a stain on us. It was visible in the way we walked, talked, interacted with others, the way we threw ourselves into our training, or wandered off to be alone when we needed a change of scenery. Like right now.

It had been a while since I’d had a drink, and I’d learned not to keep the bottle in the lair. Raph had no qualms about pouring it out. Since the night he’d had to deal with my drunk ass he’d erred to the side of zero tolerance for me and a bottle. But I’d kept one, tucked away in the pipes right outside the lair door. And I stood on tiptoe, wrapped my fingers around it and pulled it down now. I didn’t intend to get smashed, but I’d like to get my mind off my crap, and try to rein my heart in, it was getting away from me. I took a hearty swig of cheap whisky and heard a throat clearing behind me.

“You can’t drink your problems away Teagan.”

Raphael. Great.

I turned to face him, “And you’re starting to sound like Leo, Raph.”

He took a step toward me and reached for the bottle. I dodged him and took another hefty swig, just to get under his skin. He growled and waved his hand before my face, something he must’ve observed working for Michelangelo, and gently put a firm hand on my shoulder, at the same time he seized the bottle. Then he released me. “You’ve been different somehow. Since you got back from the Hamptons house. What happened?”

“That’s mine Raphael, paid for it with my own money. So give it back.” I stepped towards him and he appeared completely bored as he raised the bottle over his head.

“Not happenin’ Sister,” he shrugged.

“Grrrr, you’re such an ass! It’s not any of your business, why I drink, or what happened anywhere! Your just a,” I clenched my teeth, my hands balled into fists, and my energy surged, searching for a way out.  Then it erupted, in the form of a swift kick to his shin.

“Why you little!” He growls, “Get out of my sight Teagan!”

I growl back at him and stomp off in the direction Karai went.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Karai**

I’d been human, completely human, again for three months. Three long, strange months, of randomly hissing… when I’d bumped into Raphael and he growled at me, when my hand wouldn’t stop trembling after a flashback and I dropped my glass in the kitchen, or when Michelangelo accidentally stepped on my toe. I hissed because I was frustrated, when I was pissed, I did it when Leo and I would spar, I did it when we were watching a movie and I thought I was relaxing, and I’m pretty sure I did it my sleep. It was moments like those, when snake-life habits resurfaced, or had yet to fade, I hadn’t decided which, that I’d turn on my heel and march myself right out the lair door, straight to the surface, to my favorite rooftop. I was having one of those moments right now.

My Father, my real father, had just asked me to spend the next week working with the girl April brought down to us at the beginning of the summer. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help her, she seemed to have problems of her own, but I wasn’t sure if I could. I’m not sure what Father was thinking when he asked me. I’d been almost as much a recluse as the girl, Teagan, had been since she arrived. Whatever her secret was, I’m sure it couldn’t beat my past.

“Miwa, you’re past is behind you. It can no longer serve you. Letting go, is the only way you can truly move forward. I believe you and Teagan both would benefit from a practice centered in moving forward. The two of you shall spend this week together.”

And I, of course, hissed, then covered my mouth with my hand and bolted from the lair. I didn’t stop until I had the lights of the Brooklyn Bridge in my line of sight. As I perched on the edge of the roof with my knees bent and my arms folded around them, staring into the blurry golden orbs that rose and fell in sweeping arches the length of the bridge, like stars against the murky gray city night, I tried to suppress memories of the last few years of my extraordinarily fucked up life.

A life where I learned my father wasn’t my father, but the very man who killed my mother. One where that same man turned me into a monster, a serpent, just to hurt my _real_ father, and _he,_ Hamato Yoshi, turned out to be a mutant rat. I sighed, and wrapped my arms tighter around my legs. Then there was the mind control. That man, The Shredder, had been so desperate to control me, he’d resorted to science to achieve it. He had managed to reverse most of my mutation, but it was Donatello who’d gotten me the rest of the way. And the mind control, Leo helped me through that. Now if I could just get the nightmares to stop, and the residual habits, if I could just figure out what normal is, well then maybe I could be that.

I heard a shuffle near the utility closet of my sacred rooftop. It was deliberate. He was more than capable of keeping his presence unknown. He did it every night that I found myself here. Just to let me know he was there, if I needed him. If I wanted to talk. And so far I never had. But that didn’t mean I hadn’t given him a lot of thought too.

It was Leonardo I had to thank for many things. For uncovering my past and revealing it to me, for reuniting me with my true father, for rescuing me from our enemies prison, for trying to bring me home when I’d run away seeking revenge, and then for trying to bring me home, even though I’d been changed into a mutant snake, the perfect predator for my own biological rat father. It was too dangerous, I couldn’t risk it. And as Leo always does, he understood. But he never gave up. My heartbeat quickened. He never gives up on me.

I sigh again and my gaze shifts to the churning midnight waters of the East River.

There’s a third person on the rooftop. One I hadn’t noticed, until now. I glance at the opposite end of the ledge to see the red-haired girl staring out over the water, her mouth set in a grim line, her eyes flat and distant, her feet dangling over the edge. Stealthy, I had to give her that, and she was coming along quickly for a novice. She was tone when she’d arrived, but as I looked at her, her muscles were well defined even as her arms rest at her sides. She’s worked very hard.

She has a natural gift for the art, although I don’t think she knows it. Which is probably for the best, I couldn’t stand it if she got a big head about her. I’d have to knock her down a peg or two. But I knew Raphael or Leo would’ve done that by now if she had been arrogant. Instead I saw that Raph had taken up an odd respect for her, but I doubt she’d noticed that either.

The girl glanced in my direction and offered me a polite smile, one that seemed sincere, but forced. I regarded her with the same, before we both resumed staring out over the water. There was another shuffle and another. For fucks sake, can we not just go out by ourselves and sit? In peace? Without turtles lingering.

“We’re not defenseless Leonardo. You and your brothers can go home,” I sounded bored, even to myself.

Teagan glanced over her shoulder at Raphael and Michelangelo, who weren’t even trying to hide themselves.

“Donnie at April’s?” the girl asked, looking directly at Michelangelo, seemingly avoiding Raphael’s disapproving scowl.

“Yeah, they’re actually trying to have, like a _real_ dinner date,” Mikey grinned and took a step towards her. She motioned for him to sit next to her and he lit up like a string of Christmas Lights and bounded over to do so. A small light shone in her eyes and I could tell they’d bonded over their three day trip to the Hamptons house. Raphael’s green eyes narrowed as he stomped over and sat beside his brother. When she looked in his direction something sparked in her and a roll of sass spewed out, “I didn’t ask you to come over here and pout. You could’ve stayed home and did that.”

Raphael growled before he stood, balanced on the ledge, his hands balled into fists at his sides, “Why are you always pushing my buttons?”

Michelangelo sighed and climb down from his spot, coming over to stand by me.

“What’s going on?” I whispered to him, watching Raphael lean over the girl with his teeth bared.

Mikey chuckled, “They’re getting to be good friends, faster than either of them are comfortable with.”

“So they fight?” I asked, watching Teagan get to her feet, balanced like Raphael, to glare up at him pathetically. It was undeniably cute. This small girl, spouting off to this huge hulking turtle that could probably sneeze and she’d fly off the roof. I tip my head to see Raphael’s eyes, and to my surprise they are bright and alert. His fist hung open at his right side and I saw him move it slightly forward. Michelangelo was right, even as Raph snapped back at her, he had one hand out, ready to catch her if she fell.

“All I said was you couldn’t drink your problems away and ya can’t!” he yelled at her.

“And I told you, it’s none of your damn business!” she crossed her arms, but when she bobbled, his hand touched her elbow and she flinched. It was then that she actually almost fell, and Raphael’s teeth clicked audibly as he snarled and snatched her down from the ledge. Her struggle to be free of his grasp was futile, even I knew that, yet she continued to tug away from him. He shook his head and let go, then turned and leapt from the roof.

“Well that wasn’t dramatic or anything,” Mikey quipped.

“Hmm,” I mumbled, watching Raphael’s retreating shell. When I turned my head I was surprised to find Teagan staring at Michelangelo as he watched his brother leave.   I recognized the look, it was one I’d given Leo many times. It was the, _“I don’t want to have feelings for you”_ look. It wasn’t working very well for me either.

When Mikey’s gaze shifted back to Teagan, her eyes darted out to the water and I felt the corners of my mouth turn up slightly, because then he was gazing at her. Won’t that be interesting? I rolled my eyes and stared at the bridge.

“Leo, are you ever coming out? Or are you just going to hang out behind the utility closet all night?” I exchanged an amused smirk with Teagan, who appeared grateful for the distraction.

“I’m just giving you space,” Leo said casually as he sauntered over to stand by Teagan and watched Raphael’s shell gradually vanish from sight.

“Ah, C’mon Tea, let’s go get a pie at Ray’s,” Mikey raised his hand, waiving it before the girls face and made eye contact with her before he put his arm around her shoulder, and when _he_ touched her, she did not flinch. I saw her trying to distance herself in her eyes, but something waivered and she rest her head against his plastron for a brief second, appeared to enjoy herself, then quickly straightened and actually stepped away from him.

Hmm, what is that about?

“Okay, sure.” She said and, despite her bizarre behavior, she smiled at my orange clad brother. Best choice in a friend you could ever make, there Teagan, and should it ever be more, well, he’ll be just as exceptional at that too. The two waved at Leo and me, before making their way down the fire escape.

Finally, peace.

Leo cleared his throat and my stomach dipped like I’d leapt off the roof.

“Mind if I join you?” he asked, pointing to the space next to me.

“If you must,” I reply watching the red taillights of car after car sweep across the bridge. Where are they all going? Are they passing through? What are their lives like? Do they worry about normal things, like coming up with rent money, or worse, drug money, or an affair their caught up in, or maybe simpler things, like their child’s grades, or even a promotion at work? Certainly none of them worried about alien’s invading the earth, or mutants on the prowl, or being mutated. But maybe they should. This shits real. And their worried about petty crap, stemming from drama they created themselves. Still, it would be nice to pretend to be normal for a while. “I want to get my own place. You know when I graduate, maybe with April. We’ve been getting closer lately. Do you think she’d get a place with me?”

“That probably will depend on how well you get along with Teagan. April told me they’ve always intended on getting a place together. But I think that’d be really great, for all of you. To try and have some kind of normal life.”

How does he do that? He always knows what it is that I’m wanting and I never have to tell him. It drives me nuts. I glance in his direction and see him looking out over the water, a small smirk on his adorable green face. God, how I’d come to adore that stupid green face. I found the corners of my mouth quirking upward, and the weight on my shoulders lifting, something that only happened when I was close to him. I felt something leathery and calloused rub over the top of my hand, glanced down and found his large emerald green fingers reaching for my long slender ones. My heart sputtered, before picking up a hummingbird pace and I tipped my palm upward and wrapped my fingers around his.  

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

**April**

His hands were shaking, and for the fourth time, he dropped the pasta fork on the floor and I couldn’t help the smile on my face. “Donnie, relax, it’s just me. We hang out all the time.”

He nodded, washed off the utensil, and proceeded to stir a pot of spaghetti noodles that I knew were ready to come off the stove. But he wasn’t talking. He was stirring and stirring and stirring and then dropping the fork. Again.

“Okay, that’s it. I can’t, if you’re going to be a nervous wreck from now on, then I can’t!” I grabbed the tails of his bandana and pulled him away from the stove, then guided him around to face me and pushed him against the kitchen wall.

His brown eyes were wide and stunned, “Uh, April, I’m sorry, I’ll-”

I held up my hand and he closed his mouth. Then I beckoned him to bend over so we were eye to eye and with a fluttering in my stomach, and thrills rushing through me, I pressed my mouth against his. I’d pecked him on the lips once before, but this time I grabbed the sides of his face and opened my mouth, and slowly his body took over where his brain failed to function, and his lips started to move. And to my pure delight, they felt good, and very quickly he became good at working them. His hands were moving now too, and he ran them through my hair, and I was glad I’d worn it down. My whole body was alight with desire, everything was heightened, with him so close I could smell balsam pine, the wood of his staff, as if it was ingrained in his skin. The soft tails of his bandana brushed my cheek and his lips were cool, and his kisses tender, he tasted like soda, and I knew, as he gave me a gentle squeeze, and I struggled with the urge to ask for more, that I shouldn’t. And I stopped myself, pulling away slowly and giving him another reassuring peck on the lips.

The truth was, I adored him, needed him, wanted him and loved him. And I knew all of that before any of this. But I’d also decided, “We have to go slow Donnie. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to mess this up. So, I wanted to kiss you and let you know, I’m in, all the way, but this,” I motioned to him and then myself, “it’s important, and we are going to take our time.”

His eyes were the brightest I’d ever seen them, and he had this dopey grin on his face that made me kiss him again. Then I looked at him and waited. Because waiting was important, and the end results were always worth it.

He grinned deliriously.

“Ssssure April.”

 

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Karai**

“Lift your chin, lock your elbows, drop your stance, and for God’s sake who taped your knuckles?” I snap at Teagan, pointing to her chin, arms, hips and hands with my tanto. I can’t, I just can’t, these are basics and I’ve seen her do them and do them damn well. Well, except for the wrapping part. What the hell is wrong with her today?

The girl, who’s at least three inches shorter than me, glared at me, but I saw her body trembling despite the look on her face.

“Karai!” Raphael yelled at me from across the dojo. I glanced in his direction and he motioned me over, his eyes flaming. Leo sheathed his swords, bowed at my father, and jogged over to get in between Raph and me.

Mikey made his way over to Teagan, and Donnie and April glanced in their direction before Donnie redirects April’s attention to their katas.

“What the hell are you doing?” Raph snapped at me, as we met on the far side of the dojo, away from where Teagan and I were working beneath the tree.

“Just correcting her form. Why?” I shrugged and his hands balled into fists.

“I’ve got this Raph,” Leo held out his hand to keep distance between Raphael and myself.

“Yeah, well you’d better work it out quick, or Tea’s gonna bolt, and then its goin’ ta be another night of _‘find the drunk girl’_.” Raph rolled his eyes, turned on his heel and made his way over to where Donnie and April were.

“What’s the big deal?” I look from Raph’s pissed off expression, to Leo’s concern, then glance over to where Michelangelo is re-taping Teagan’s hands.

“The big deal is, Teagan’s clearly been abused. You can’t be waving a sword around at her like it’s a pointing stick.” Leo kept his voice low and looked me in the eye then glanced over in Teagan’s direction before he reached out an open hand, “Tanto, please Karai.”

“Seriously? And what? You think I don’t know the meaning of abuse? She hasn’t been mutated has she? Or abducted and raised to kill, right?” I don’t know what’s come over me as I go off on a tangent. Maybe I’m a little embarrassed at being called out so publicly, with my father watching. Who knows what he thinks of me. And here he’s trusted me to help this girl. Why? Why me? I’m more fucked up than she could ever be.

“Whatever it is that she’s been through doesn’t have to be the same as what you’ve endured for it to be abuse Karai. She’s still damaged by it.” Leo maintained his cool demeanor as I released the weapon to him.

“What am I supposed to do about her damage?” I complain.

Leo offered me a sad smile, “How about, trying to be her friend?”

“Miwa,” my father is behind me. I turn to face him.

“Yes, Father.”

“Perhaps, you and Teagan should spend the afternoon with April. She mentioned going to the surface.”

I look into my father’s dark brown eyes and want to argue. But I respect him too much to do so.

“Yes, Father.”

We exchanged parting courtesies and I made my way toward Teagan and Michelangelo. April appeared in my peripheral.

“So, we’re going to the movies then?” Donatello’s precious redhead chirped as she jogged to my side.

“Seems, like,” I said coolly.

My attitude didn’t bother April, and I liked that. I could be myself, weird snake habits and all, they didn’t faze her. But she’d been with the Hamato clan through them defeating the Kraang, Shredder beating them, Leo’s recovery, them saving me, all of it. All in all there was very little that shook any of us anymore.

What I had to do now was figure out if Teagan was made of glass, or something more resilient, like steel. “So, Father says we are going to the surface for the afternoon.”

Teagan frowned, “Can we finish training first?”

Really? From trembling mouse to ready to try again, that fast huh? I glanced over my shoulder to my father. Leo was watching us and spoke up, “What is it Karai?”

“Teagan wants to finish, first.”

“Very well,” my father nodded. Michelangelo shot me a look that I’d not seen since the night I’d met him and Donatello, when I made that DNA mix creature in the Kraang lab. I grinned and winked at him and I swear his eyes were just shy of the intense expression he wore in stealth mode. Protective are we Little Brother? He stepped alongside the rest of my family, kneeling in a row on the outside of the dojo.

I motioned for Teagan to take a stance, which she did, and I noticed, that this time, her form was near perfect.

Well let’s just see what she’s made of.

As I stretched my neck and stepped into a stance, she made consistent eye contact with me. The dojo was so quiet I could hear Leo breathing, and in the second I’d let my mind wonder, the other girl made her move. She didn’t rush her attacks, but planned them carefully, executed them to near perfection and watched my every shift, she was a novice, but she would be very good. Very soon. As I swung at her face, she ducked back, rotated her body all the way around and swept my leg. As my feet flew out from under me I wondered where she’d learned that, but from my spot on the floor Michelangelo’s grinning face appeared over me. “OOOO bet that burns Rai!”

Teagan’s hand swatted the back of Mikey’s mask and she scolded him, “Nobody likes a sore winner Mikey. It’s in poor taste. Besides,” her blue-green eyes looked down at me, and she put an arm across Mikey’s plastron guiding him back so I could get up, “Something tells me, Karai and I could be good friends.”

I rolled to my feet, “What makes you say that?”

Without missing a beat she replied in all seriousness, “Darkness, Karai. It’s in your eyes too.” She frowned.

Michelangelo stuck his face in between us and did his best Master Splinter imitation, “While your pasts may be dark, there can still be light in your futures.”

We both looked at him. I was surprised when I realized, that while he appeared to be joking around, the look in his eyes was quite sincere, and I wondered what kind of hold the new redhead had over the prankster brother. But his words weren’t lost on me. There can still be light huh? Well someone can hit the switch anytime now and I’d gladly follow any golden rays, if they took me from my mental hell. I glanced at the other girl who seemed to be thinking hard on his words too.

“You know that wasn’t the right counter move right?” I asked her, interrupting her train of thought. She seemed relieved and I understood the feeling.

She offered me a small smile, “Yeah, a week of training with Michelangelo can have that affect on you.”

I laughed, “True. So, Teagan, what kind of movies do you like?”

We made our way right past the boys, April fell instep alongside of us and we chatted about stupid, unimportant things, the whole walk to the theater. We covered everything from favorite colors, to foods, to music, all while we stood in line at the box office, to purchase tickets to an action flick. Apparently Teagan shared mine and April’s addiction to kick-ass lead women. And the movie selection had been unanimous, in favor of the only option that had a heroine instead of a damsel in distress.

“I want popcorn, with gobs of butter,” she said, bouncing on her toes as we stepped in the concession line, and I noticed how much she’d changed since she first came to our home. While she’d spent a week with each of the brothers she’d bonded with Mikey and Raph, but those connections were visibly different. Raph, adored her like a sister. Hell, I am his sister, and I suspected that he liked her as much as he did me. And I knew why. Why he had a connection with her, and why we had one too. Because at the heart of it all, our troubles ran through the same streak all three of us were marked with. It’s something wild that burns inside, just begging to be unleashed. And when you contain that for too long, it can bust out, and that’s when you find yourself in trouble.

Now Michelangelo, well that was something, because for all intents and purposes they were very different. But he had a big heart and could somehow always find the best in anyone, and it just so happened that she seemed to bloom at his very touch. He was the one, whether she, or even he, knew it that could pull her from her darkness.

“Karai?” she waved an unpolished finger in front of my face. It irritated me and I stepped back, bumping into the person in line behind me.

“Why do you do that? And why does Michelangelo go out of his way to do that before he touches you?”

Her blue-green eyes flickered with something painful, but she seemed to school her face into a blank expression quickly, as if by habit, “Because, I understand you’ve been through a lot, and while I don’t know what that entails, I know that it will get your attention just as well as a poke or touch would. Mikey does it to let me know he’s going to touch me. It’s just a courtesy, Karai. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable.”

She frowned and I pointed ahead of her, “It’s your turn.” Then I felt bad, because she was being considerate. “And, don’t worry about it. I get it now and it makes sense.”

Was that good enough? Weren’t girls supposed to be all drama and tantrums? I looked at her boot cut jeans and relaxed fit green tank top, her red-hair was tied in a loose knot on the back of her head and little wisps of it had fallen loose all over the place. She was no more girly-girl than me. And I started to get the feeling that maybe she was right. We might get along after all.

“Karai?” She interrupted me, with only her voice this time.

“Yeah?” I said as her bucket of popcorn blurred into focus.

“It’s your turn to order,” she shrugged, popped a buttery kernel in her mouth, and stepped out of line.

“Let’s sit in the middle of the middle row,” April said, as we climbed the steps to the center row of the theater. While everyone else in the theater had spread out, April took a spot on my right and Teagan, my left.

As the lights dimmed and the previews started, a man, who seemed to be alone, came and sat beside Teagan. I noticed it right away because the theater wasn’t full. There were seats everywhere, in front of us, behind us, to April’s right, hell even the rest of the row to Teagan’s left.

I noticed her stiffen and she lowered her bucket of popcorn by her feet. A glance at him, showed me a guy in his early twenties, with a shaved head, blue eyes and an eyebrow and septum piercing. He smiled at me and flicked his tongue, which was also pierced. I kept a straight face, while grimacing on the inside, and looked back at the screen.

Teagan’s breathing sped up so much I thought she might hyperventilate, and all of my senses were screaming. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dimmed the light on the screen. April leaned over as I pecked out a text.

 **Karai:** Uh, Leo, are you guys anywhere around the theater?

“What are you doing?” April whispered.

“Nothing,” I shrugged, “my boyfriend’s texting me. I thought I’d better answer him.” I glanced at her and saw her eyes dart from me to Teagan to the guy and back.

“Oh, okay. Well hurry up, your disrupting the movie.” She sat back in the chair and faked attention on the screen but I saw her watching Tea in her peripheral.

 **Leo:** Yes, we’re waiting on the rooftop outside. Was thinking maybe we’d grab a pizza after the movie. Why?

 **Karai:** We’ve got trouble. Don’t know how bad, yet.

 **Leo:** Want us to come in?

 **Karai** : It may be something we can handle ourselves but be ready.

 **Leo:** Sure you don’t want us to come in?

 **Karai:** No.

 **Leo:** No, you’re not sure or no don’t come in?

“Hey, Chica you’re ruinin’ my experience with that phone. Cut it out will ya?”

My head snapped up and I glared at him. Then I saw the flash of steel pressed into Teagan’s trembling side. Her eyes flickered to me but she kept facing forward. When my eyes met with the crazy guy’s he flicked his tongue at me again, and in a flash I reached past Teagan to snatch his piercing, gripping the ball on tongue so that he was at my mercy.

“You listen to me, you son-of-a-bitch, you’re going to put that knife back in your pocket or I’m gonna rip this right out of your mouth.”

His eyes were wild and rolling, with what appeared to be insanity, and I realized he was high. He took the knife and thrust it into my thigh and I screamed and released him at the same time.

“Don’t kill The Messenger,” he cackled and reached to grab Teagan by her hair.

She flung her drink into his face, yanked the knife from my leg and buried it in his thigh then shoved me toward April. ”Run Karai, April, go! He has a gun, go!”

And he did have a gun. He fired a shot into the ceiling and everyone in the theater screamed and bolted for the exits. April grabbed my arm and drug me into the crowd and out into the street. I knew Leo would be in the alley so I hobbled that way, and he leapt from the fire escape and landed by my feet.

“You’re hurt! Who did this? What happened?” he pulled the cloth he kept around his arm off and wrapped it around my leg.

Donnie, Raph and Mikey landed behind him.

Donnie grabbed April and started looking her over, “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine.” She looked at me then back towards the theater and we heard sirens in the distance. “Where’s Teagan?”

The alley door opened and Crazy Ass drug her out into it, with one arm around her throat and a gun to her temple. Then everything happened in a sickeningly slow motion.

“I was chosen to purify you. This, if you survive, will do that, you will be reborn!” Then he flung her into the alley, aimed the gun at her and pulled the trigger.

 

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Teagan**

I landed in a puddle in the center of the alley, the brick wall of the theater a blur behind The Messenger, _He’d_ sent. Even my attacker faded to the background as my heart hammered in my chest, and I looked down the barrel of his gun.

He gave me the purification speech, I knew he had to recite, before he would shoot me. Then he cocked the gun and I closed my eyes, heard the explosion, and braced for my impending death. But instead of a bullet piercing my body, a massive weight came crashing down onto me, and I felt something in my chest pop, an excruciating pain jolted through me, and when I opened my eyes Raphael was pounding the shit out of my attacker, and Michelangelo was groaning in a heap draped over me.

“Mikey, Mikey, are you okay?”   My fingers were tingling, my stomach turning, my chest aching, and as I pulled my hands free from under him I found them covered in blood, with more pooling on his shoulder. The artery in his neck pumped hard, and the sheer volume of blood coming from him made me wonder if it hadn’t been hit. “Leo! Donnie! Someone help! Help! Oh God, Michelangelo!” I crawled from beneath his body, scrambled to my knees and pressed my hands against his shoulder, but the blood seeped through covering them, dripping down over his plastron. “Mikey, talk to me, please, say something.”

But his blue eyes rolled and the blood kept gushing out. Every breath I took hurt, like that weight was crashing into me all over again. That weight. Michelangelo’s weight. My whole body shook uncontrollably and I pulled my shirt over my head and pressed it against the area the wound seemed to be. “Mikey, please, please talk to me, say something!” Tears rolled down my cheeks and I felt my body go weak.

“Teagan!” Raphael’s voice yelled at me, but I couldn’t respond for the sound of my heart and the recoil of the gunshot, ringing in my ears. “Teagan!”

Two strong arms pulled me off of Mikey and wrapped around me, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, “Michelangelo!”

“Teagan!” Leonardo’s face filled my field of vision, locking my eyes on him, “Donnie has him, I need to help him. I need you to help me, can you help me?”

With my chest heaving and throbbing, and Leo appearing kind of blurry, I managed a nod.

“Good. Raph put her down. We have to get him back to the lair. Teagan, listen to me,” Leo’s eyes were wide, but somehow, amid his visible fear, he sounded calm and his voice helped ground me.

“Okay, okay, what do I do?”

“You’re going to sit on his chest and hold the shirt against the wound. We’re going to carry him home. Can you do that?”

My teeth chattered, “Yyyyes.”

Second later I was kneeling on a frighteningly pale Michelangelo, blood seeping through the shirt and over my hands. Raph had his head and shoulders, Leo his feet, and Donnie was giving me specific instructions about the amount of pressure to maintain, then he flung open a manhole cover, and lifted me off his brother. They lowered him down, put me back on his torso, and trudged through the sewer. .

April and Karai had run ahead, prepping the room as Donnie gave instructions over the phone, and we only stopped to check Mikey’s pulse, three times, before we finally reached the metal table in the middle of the lab. I slid my legs wider so I was kneeling on either side of him instead of putting pressure on his chest and I glanced, from my blood covered hands, to his face. As I tried to absorb his pale skin, closed eyes, and parted mouth, I thought it was my life that was ending to look at him. He’d jumped in front of a gun, taken a bullet, might die, and it was my fault. It was my fault. Knowing _me_ , was going to get _him_ killed, may have killed him already. Oh, God, is he dying right now?

“Teagan, I need you to let go now.” Donatello’s voice was shaky, and when he touched my blood stained hands I screamed, my chest racked with sobs, and I collapsed over Michelangelo, “No, no, no, no, I won’t leave him. I won’t leave him.”

Two iron grip hands lifted me from Mikey and I dropped my chin, and right as I was about to sink my teeth into a green thumb, Raphael’s voice broke through my frenzy, “Don’t. Teagan, don’t you dare bite me.” He planted me firmly on my feet and spun me around to face him. “We’ve got to help him, and biting me, and freaking out, is not going to help him. Now, go wash your hands and get back here and see if there’s anything we can do to help Donnie.”

With a trembling lip I walked on numb legs to the sink in Donnie’s lab, glanced at the bright light over Mikey’s body and watched his brother working intensively on him. Leo, Raph, April and Karai, were handing over tools and fetching items as Donnie requested.

“Got those hands washed yet Teagan?” Donnie called to me.

He had so much help already. How could he possibly need me? After all, if his brother died tonight, it was my fault.

I pumped the soap over my hands, washed away the sticky, dried blood that was under my fingernails and in the crevices of my knuckles. I watched his blood fall away, slipping into the running water and flowing down the drain. My body suddenly felt like it held an unbearable weight and I shut off the faucet and drug myself over to Donnie’s side.

“What can I do?” I asked, my chest aching and wet with tears, and my heart open and ready, expecting Donnie to scream at me to get out and stay the hell away from his brother.

But his reply floored me.

“Hold his hand.”

 


	20. Chapter 20

 

**Karai**

We all knew, at this point, that Mikey was going to be alright. And I thought now was the right time to address my own wound. But Leo was stressed, and I knew, with a twisting in my gut, that it was my turn to be there for him. I found him in the dojo, trying to meditate.

I sat down next to him and his eyes opened instantly, and he looked me over, “You need to let Donnie look at your thigh.”

My lips quirked into a devious smirk, almost entirely of their own accord, and I wondered if he knew how badly he set himself up sometimes. “Really? You want me to let _your_ brother see _my_ _thigh_?”

His blue eyes darted over me, “Well, yeah, you were stabbed.” Then it dawned on him, what I was implying, and he sighed, “Really, Karai? Now? You want to play games now? Teagan was held at gunpoint, you were stabbed, Mikey was shot. I don’t really think now’s the time.”

“And everyone is going to live. Now, whether or not Misses I Must Suffer, will ever forgive herself. Well that will remain to be seen. But,” I shrugged, “I’ll be fine.”

He got to his feet, shook his head, grabbed my wrist and flipped me over his shoulder. Now I knew at least a dozen ways to get out of his hold, but the truth was, my leg did hurt. A lot. But I wasn’t going to let him know that.

“You’re limping, there’s blood caked on your jeans, the knife could’ve had who knows what on it. You are going to let Donnie look at it. And, I’m _not_ taking no, for an answer.” He marched toward the lab, stopped at the door, and he turned his head so his lips were against my ear, “Besides, if you weren’t hurting you would’ve tried to drop me the second I picked you up.”

He knew me well. So well. And I hated it. And, I loved it. I glared daggers at him as he set me to my feet and passed me off to his brother. The next thing I knew I was laying on the kitchen table with a blanket covering me from my knees down, and wearing one of Leo’s t-shirts so it covers most of the rest of me. And Donatello was sewing up a four inch long gash on my thigh. The problem with that, well it was deep, and it fucking hurt. And I had an image to protect.

I lay my head against the pillow they’d given me, and Leo stood across from me, like a sentry, watching every miniscule twitch of every muscle on my face. Every one that let him know I was in pain.

“Donnie, did you numb that?” Leo asked after my hand clenched in a fist around my pillow and I closed my eyes, determined to go somewhere deep inside myself away from this… annoyance.

“Yes, but it was pretty deep. I’m almost done. Hang in there Karai.” Donnie reached for something and I felt a secondary prick in my thigh. “I gave you something for the pain, you should feel some relief here in a second.”

“It’s,” I held my breath, “Fine,” I tried not to grunt or whine. I was a big girl, and I’d been through worse. A little stabbing had nothing on being mutated, only then I had screamed at the top of my lungs, and those sounds were muted, by the thick glowing liquid filling my lungs, burning its way through me.

“Karai!” Leo’s hand came down on my shoulder and I felt him sitting me up. “Karai, look at me!”

There was an awful sound like someone was being tortured, or was trapped, and trying to claw their way out of a locked box. And as Leo’s intense blue eyes appeared just centimeters from my own, I realized, that horrible sound, was coming from me.

Snapping my mouth shut, I felt a heat rush to my face and I knew I was slipping. I pushed him back, and he moved, but didn’t leave me. And Donnie took one look at me, then glanced at Leo, who motioned him on with his eyes.

“I’m just going to go check on Mikey, and I need to talk to April about something… yeah.” Then the nerdy brother disappeared off down the hall.

Leo leaned against the refrigerator and crossed his arms, and to my pure frustration, he waited. He was so fucking patient it drove me nuts. I glared at him, and realized I was unusually warm and tingly, and I scooted to the edge of the kitchen table, but when my foot hit the ground pain shot up through my thigh and my knee buckled. And in a damn fraction of a second he was holding me up.

I swatted at him, trying to get him off, “I’m fine! I’m fine!” I kept hitting him, and felt myself unraveling, “I’m fine! I’m fine!” And my open hand closed, and my fist pounded on his plastron and he took it. He fucking held me, and took it. And as my chest heaved and great sobs flowed from somewhere deep in my heart, he pulled me closer and I clung to him. “I’m broken Leo,” it poured out, and once it started there was little I could do stop it, “I’m so broken, and I’ll never be right again.”

He held me close, his plastron mashing my cheek, hard like a wall, but I didn’t care, because his arms were strong and he was there. He was always there. And as much as I didn’t want to, I needed him. I grabbed his bicep and felt his leathery skin under my fingers and clung to him, then reached up further, hooked my hand around his neck and pulled him to me, and he came willingly, and I tipped back my head and pressed my lips against his, and his mouth was wide, and for a second it was awkward, until I found that if I started on one side and let him guide me, it worked. As he opened his mouth and his tongue tentatively swept across my lips, warm, wet and inviting, I let my mouth fall open and reached for him.

“I want you Leo,” I moaned into his mouth. And I did want him. I wanted to lose myself in him, and in doing so forget it all, fend it off, I wanted him to share his strength with me, because I knew, only he could help me, because he was committed to, and I both loved and hated him for it.

For some reason he pulled back, grabbed both my hands in one of his and looked at me, “What did you just say?”

My eyes narrowed, “I want you.”

“Look at me Karai,” he demanded, his tone laced with shock and tinged with anger.

I set my jaw and met his cool gaze.

“Say it again.” He was studying me, as he liked to do, and I wondered if he saw how damaged I was.

And I looked in his perfect blue eyes, surrounded by that matching blue mask, his katana just peeking out behind him, all green, and inhuman, strong, and loyal, and above all else, my very first real and true friend.

“I. Want. You.”

He leaned in so close I could feel the energy radiating off of him, and the scent of sandalwood mixed with steel, ran through me and filled my head like a drug, and my toes curled for the thrills it gave me. Fuck, why did I want him so bad?

“I want you too,” he said softly, as his lips brushed my cheek, “and believe me, I know that we will happen Karai, I can feel it. But you are hurt-”

He was rejecting me?! My hand flew up towards his face, and he caught it and locked eyes with me again.

“I’m broken and you don’t want me,” I screamed, trying to tug my hand from his grasp, as tears slipped down my cheeks, “and how could you? How could anyone want me?”

“You’re tired Karai. So tired you had a flashback, so tired, and in enough pain, that Donnie gave you a shot of morphine, and you’re a little buzzed from it. So, while, yes, Hamato Karai, _we_ _will_ happen, it _won’t_ be tonight. Now off to bed with you.”

**  
**

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Teagan**

“Teagan?” Leo’s hand rocked my shoulder. I sat up on the barstool, and peeled my face from Michelangelo’s plastron, his hand still clutched against my heart.

“Hmm,” I hummed in reply, partly ignoring the elder brother, as I set my gaze on Mikey’s sleeping face. I’d washed the rest of the blood off of him after Donnie finished fishing out the bullet and sewed the wound shut. The shot had just barely missed the artery. He would eventually be fine, but he had yet to wake up and had lost a lot of blood. I glanced from his sweet face to the bloodied shirt and towels in the bucket by the sink. The night replayed itself every time I closed my eyes and I found myself holding his large green hand against my cheek, my tears dripped onto his hand before rolling off to fall onto his plastron.

“Teagan, did he stab you? There’s a cut on your side and you’re holding your ribs with your other hand.”

I ignored Leo, kissed Mikey’s hand and lowered my head back against his plastron.

“How’s our patient?” Donnie appeared on my right and peeled back the bandage from Mikey’s shoulder to look at the wound.

“I think you should take a look at Teagan. She’s got a cut on her side and her breaths are really shallow.” Leo sounded like he was making an important observation, but they were just meaningless words to me.

My lungs hurt, well my ribs did. And yeah, the guy had given me a warning cut when he sat down next to me in the theater, but what did any of that matter? Michelangelo had been shot. Almost died. And, I lifted my chin from his battered plastron and glanced around the room, to look at the red clad brother sleeping in the chair across from me, also standing vigil, they should hate me. All of them. For bringing this to them.

I felt something sweep over my bare side and I realized I was sitting there this entire time in a bra and jeans. Michelangelo’s blood hadn’t been just on my hands, it was all over me. And Donnie was cleaning the wound on my side and slapping gauze over it. Then he pressed along my ribcage and I gasped as pain hit me so hard my breath fled.

“Three broken ribs. Probably happened when he landed on her, not much I can do to help broken ribs.”

“Beats a bullet,” Raph said, and opened an eye to look at me.

A fresh wave of tears slipped away, “I’m so sorry, you guys. I swear, when he wakes up I’ll-”

“You’ll what? Leave? Because that’s what I’d want if I took a bullet for a girl.” Raph sat up and crossed his arms.

I shook my head, my lungs throbbing with every weeping breath, “No, I don’t want to-”

“Then don’t finish that sentence, that thought, just… don’t.” Raph shook his head and looked from his brother to me, “He’s crazy about you Teagan. Don’t, just, maybe later, but not now, okay?”

My jaw ached for the frown on my face. There was enough authority to Raph’s voice that I knew I would do whatever he asked of me. Whether that be, getting the hell away from his little brother, or standing by his side. And I wanted to be by his side, and I think Raph knew it too, but I also knew, I couldn’t stay there. It was too dangerous.

“Teagan,” Leo called from behind me, “you should take a break, go get cleaned up.”

My eyes shot to Mikey’s face then darted to Raphael.

“Go on, he’s going to freak out if he wakes up and you’re a bloody mess.”

I hadn’t even noticed that Donnie had left, until April’s voice came softly from the doorway, “Donnie said you asked for me Leo?”

“Yeah, will you take Teagan and help her get cleaned up. And be careful, she’s got some broken ribs.”

“Sure,” My cousin’s fingers gently pried Mikey’s hand from my grasp and she wrapped her own around mine. “Come on Tea, let’s you cleaned up and back in here before he wakes up.”

I slipped my hand from hers and moved to Mikey’s bare faced head, bent over and kissed his lightly freckled cheek. “I’ll be right back.” I looked at Raphael, “If he wakes up-”

“I’ll come get you,” he nodded, “Go.”

XXX

The water snapped and crackled against the tile, pelting my body like tiny little stones. At least that’s how it felt and I glanced down at my ribcage and saw blue-green bruises already surfacing. The cut on my side stung, but it was the ache in my chest that had me leaning against the wall.

There he was in my memory, smiling and joking, blue eyes sparkling, he made me feel safe, held me in his arms, I could still feel him on my lips, taste him even, he made me laugh, put me at ease, with his open heart, and endless compassion, there was only one Michelangelo. And tonight his life almost ended, because I am a black mark, a plague, a disease that mars his light.

I opened my eyes watching his blood tint the water as it washed away from my skin. My heart clenched and a muffled sob broke free. I could never be with him, I could never be with anyone so good. Especially not at the cost of his life. That much was certain. But as I reached for the soap and the bottle slipped from my fingers, bounced and splashed over the floor, so was something else.

And it brought me to my knees.

Perfect blue eyes, those freckles, that smile, muscled body, all heart, beautiful mind, and one incredible soul, “I love him.”

XXX

As I pulled on my pajama bottoms and a loose fitting white tank, April knocked on the bathroom door.

“Teagan, he’s awake. And he’s asking for you.”

My heart skipped a beat, and, I noticed, a breath too. Without running a brush through my tangled red waves, I flung open the door and bolted past April, stopping short in the door of the lab. I caught glimpses of him between the shifting wall of shells hovering around him. He was propped up and surrounded by Splinter and his brothers, who were chatting with him happily. He appeared weary, with circles under his eyes, and his skin was still pale. April brought him a glass of water and he sipped it. Then Leo shifted and Mikey caught sight of me.

My eyes filled and my heart twisted into an unbearable knot. Would he hate me?

“Hey,” his voice came out raspy, he cleared his throat and rolled his beautiful blue eyes, and I thought I’d never been happier to see them. My feet carried me to him, I’m not sure how, because I couldn’t feel anything, I could only gravitate towards him, the way he always seemed to pull me in, and his Father and brothers parted, patting him on the arm and telling him they’d check on him soon, and they were glad to see his ugly face, and a number of other brotherly and fatherly supportive comments that all seemed a blur to me.

I couldn’t look away from those perfect blues, and every ounce of me wanted him, and while I knew at some point I’d have to give him up, I also knew that I would have every inch of him before I did. His hand wove its way into my hair and my mouth fell to his and my heart dipped and rallied, while my insides ached, and I wanted to merge with him because he was alive, and okay, and he felt so damn good.

“You stupid,” tears covered my lashes, and spilled over sliding down my cheeks, I couldn’t see for the damn mess and I swiped at my eyes, desperate to look at him, “You stupid,” I tried again, “I can’t believe you,” there was more water in my eyes, my chest shuddered, and he managed to laugh, and I wanted to hit him. “You’re laughing! How could you Michelangelo, you almost died, you stupid-”

“You already said that Tea,” he grinned and pulled me to him again, his eyes flickered down to my mouth, “I love you too,” he whispered before sweeping his mouth over mine.

 

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Teagan**

There was no training with broken ribs, and none for turtles recovering from bullet wounds.

And there were only a few days before I was to fly home. I lay, propped up beside him in his bed, where he pretended to sleep, but I knew from the way the corner of his mouth quirked up, that he wasn’t. Seeing as I was injured, and un-huggable, let alone anything else, and Mikey might need something in the middle of the night, I had been permitted to stay in his room with him. Not that it really mattered since we’d been alone at the Hamptons house anyway.

“Why are you pretending to be asleep?” I asked, watching his lips curl into a full smile, before he peeked one eye open and then the other.

“Hmm, I can feel you watching me, and I like catching you doing it.” He closed his eyes and peeked at me again and I swatted his arm.

“Why’d you do it Mikey?”

“What?” he peeked at me again and I rolled my eyes.

“You know what.”

“You woulda’ done the same for me Tea,” he shrugged, then winced as the motion caused his shoulder to ache.

“Be still, you wiggly turtle,” I fussed at him, but leaned forward to check the wound site and he swept a hand up behind my head and pulled me to him. Tricks. So he was feeling up to tricks now huh? As I tasted the orange juice he’d drank at breakfast on his lips, I savored him, the feel of him, the smell of him, and I wanted him. My heart already ached for how much I’d miss him and just how badly I needed him.

As his hand slid down my back pain shot through my ribs, and stole my breath, I gasped and he let go.

“I’m sorry Tea, you okay?” He sat bolt upright and the movement jarred his injury, and his face crumbled against the jolt. That was real pain.

“I’m fine,” I waved a hand and motioned to him, “You?”

“Yeah,” he groaned and sank back against his pillow, at the same time I did my own.

He rolled his head to face me. “Did I tell you I was sorry about your ribs?”

I tilted mine to face him, “Yes, did I tell you I was sorry you were shot because of me?”

“Yeah,” he replied.

The room was silent for a few seconds before we let out a sigh in perfect unison.

His eyes darted to mine and we both stifled a giggle.

“Wanna, watch a movie?” I asked after we’d stared at each other for a ridiculous amount of time.

“Yeah, I’m getting bored of looking at your face.”

I rolled my eyes, “You’re so full of it.”

He snickered and it warmed my heart that he was getting back to his old self.

“What’re we watching?” he asked as I rooted through the movies April brought us.

“No romances,” I sighed tossing those aside, “nothing where anybody gets shot,” I shook my head, and tossed more aside, “no comedies,” I glanced over my shoulder and Mikey frowned, “Sorry, laughing hurts the ribs.”

He nodded.

“No horror, we both have enough nightmares as it is…”

He rolled his eyes, “You’re not leaving many options there Tea.”

“Sure I am,” I smiled, holding up a copy of Elektra.

“I’m pretty sure that at least one dude gets shot in that Tea.” He shook his head.

I groaned, “You’re right. Maybe we can just fast forward through that part? The rest of it is pure female ass kickery and nothing makes me happier than that.”

“Elektra it is then.”

XXX

Two days and twelve movies later I was saying goodbye. Uncle Kirby was driving me to the airport and I felt like I’d been away from Mikey too long already. He was still healing and I wanted to be there for him. After all, I was the reason he’d been hurt in the first place.

He didn’t make leaving him easy either. While he tried to put on his best happy face, he was still recovering and it showed, his arm was in a sling so he didn’t irritate the shoulder wound, his skin was still pale, and there were still circles under his eyes from poor quality sleep. Add to that the damn tears in his eyes, and the forced smile… I had pressed my lips to his and tried to memorize the moment, so I could hold on to it, until I could be with him again. Because one thing hadn’t changed in my mind. I _would_ have to give him up, once and for all, but not until I’d loved him with everything I had in me first.

It was a selfish want, but I had to know, what it really felt like, to be loved, wholly, and I wanted to keep him, to be his, to ride the wave of life and see where it took us. But sometimes love was about sacrifice. And with his precious life at risk, and darkness tracking me everywhere, well, the sacrifice needed to be mine, not his.

As we neared the airport, and the city whizzed by, car after car, I ran my fingers over my lips and traced them with my tongue tasting his orange Chapstick. I smiled because if it came in pizza flavor he would’ve had that. I’d have to look for it on a novelty website, they probably did make it and he’d love it.

My phone buzzed and I looked at the screen.

 **Mikey:** There’s something for you in your bag. I figure, I owe you one. Since I ruined yours.

What? My heart did a little flutter and I glanced at my bag, then tugged the zipper back and found his favorite t-shirt, old and worn, the orange long faded to a peach color, it was soft and thin and when I clutched it to my chest, tears rushed to my eyes and I breathed it in, pizza and oil.

I picked up my phone.

 **Teagan:** Thank you. I love it. I left you something too. April should be bringing it by the lair tonight. Take care of him. I’ve had him since I was a little girl.

 **Mikey:** You’re giving me your orange monkey?

 **Teagan:** Yes. It just feels right.

 **Mikey:** Thanks Tea. It means a lot.

 **Teagan:** We’re boarding. I’ll write soon. Be careful Mikey. Make sure there’s a you for me to come back to. Okay?

 **Mikey:** Are you mine Tea?

 **Teagan:** No matter where our paths may take us Mikey, no matter what I say or do, I want you to know you have changed me, for the better, and I will love you for that, every day for the rest of my life.

 **Mikey:** I love you too Tea. If you need me, just say so. I’ll be there. Don’t let that guy give you any trouble. You call me. Okay?

 **Teagan:** Sure Mikey.

 **Mikey:** Promise me.

I put the phone in my pocket. I couldn’t make that promise. I wouldn’t call him. I had to handle my crap, myself. And the farther I got from New York, the closer Kentucky became, right up to when I landed and stepped foot in the Bluegrass, a sense of dread built and I wondered, what exactly I’d be facing in the new school year.

XXX

 **To:** Redhotmess

 **From:** Redhotfury

Dear Teagan,

April came by, said someone’s following you again. I’m just checking in to see if you need me to come down there and pound some heads.

And I kinda miss seeing your stupid face.

Raph

 

 **To:** Redhotfury

 **From:** Redhotmess

Dear Raph,

That was a touching email you sent me. Can I look forward to more? I’m fine. I can handle myself.

And I kinda miss your ugly mug too. J Teagan

 

 **To:** Redhotmess

 **From:** Redhotfury

Teagan!

Stop messin’ around and tell me how you’re handlin’ this crap. Mikey’s driving us nuts, more than usual. He’s worried you’re gonna get shot.

Don’t get shot. Raph

 

 **To:** Redhotfury

 **From:** Redhotmess

Dear Raph,

We had to take out a restraining order. It seems to have stopped it. I’m fine. Grades are good. Donnie’s been helping me via, email and Face-time with Chemistry and Algebra II, so I’m doing well. Really.

Miss you guys though.

Teagan

 

 **To:** Pizzaking

 **From:** Redhotmess

Dear Mikey,

I haven’t written you in a while. Raph said April told you I was having some problems and it’s really got you stressed. I’m going to assume that involves water balloons and other pranks?

I’m fine. Like I told Raph, we took out a restraining order.

I’ve got this Mikey. Take care of you okay? I miss your sweet face.

Hugs,

Teagan

 

 **To:** Redhotmess

 **From** : Pizzaking

Dear Teagan,

I’m glad you’re okay. Yes, I got a little carried away. Let’s just say that Master Splinter did NOT think that getting hit with a water balloon was funny. It was heavily frowned upon. And I don’t think I’ll ever do it again. Not sure what came over me.

Donnie said you’re doing really good in school. I’m glad to hear it.

I miss you Teagan. Can’t wait for this summer. Miss your sweet face too.

Love, Mikey

 


	23. Chapter 23

**The Summer before Senior Year**

**Monday**

**The Lair**

**Teagan**

I stood outside the lair door with my heart pounding in my chest. I’d waited nine, almost ten, months to get back here. But as I stood, next to April, staring at the worn brick that I’d soon wrap my fingers around, I realized that I’d reverted a great deal, back to the brooding, angry, self-loathing person I’d been when I came to them the summer before.

It had a lot to do with my year, which included more lovely threats, stalking, and getting jumped once, coming out of school, by another Messenger, but while he recited a traitor purification, I managed to kick him in the balls and smash his face into the side of the school. And I was grateful for my training. Things quieted down a little after that, and the restraining order helped too.

But my guard was up again and I was as jumpy as ever. I felt like I was starting all over. But there was one turtle I knew could make me forget, even if only while I was in his arms. And this summer, I intended to just enjoy him. I swallowed and took a deep breath. I’d worry about letting him go, when the time came.

“Teagan?” April waved her hand in front of my face and I slipped my fingers in the crevice and pulled the brick.

When we stepped inside Mikey damn well near tackled me. It wasn’t like I couldn’t see him coming and I held onto him, drinking him in, and kissed his freckled cheek, then buried my face in his neck, opened my eyes and there it was. Staring me in the face. That damn scar. He felt me pull back, and set me on my feet, released me and stepped back, but held his smile, his eyes hiding any disappointment that he felt at my resistance.

I shared light embraces with Leo, Donnie, Raph and Karai, and a heartfelt hug with Master Splinter. And as we sat around the dinner table, four pizza boxes laid out across the top of it, Master Splinter cleared his throat and the chatter at the table stopped.

“We will be spending this summer at the O’Neil families Hamptons house. Pack Wednesday, we leave Thursday, in the morning.”

My eyes shot straight to Michelangelo and he grinned. There was a pang to the upbeat of my heart again. Damn hope. Every time I had it, something always went wrong.

 

 

 

 

**Teagan**

After everyone had gone to bed, I lit a candle in the dojo and sat on the floor looking up at the tree. It had such a great will to live, to thrive and grow, in the most unforgiving and very limited of circumstances. With roots embedded in concrete, growing well below the city into the water lines, with only a few hours of daylight to nurture it. And I did not envy it, for it had hit the ceiling, and the boys had to trim the top to keep it from poking through, because if it did push its way to the surface the city might seek to cut it down and that would create all kinds of problems.

I had missed this room, this place, this family. I missed the tree, the practice, the feel of the staff in my hand, listening to my Sensei correcting and guiding me, and I’d missed sparring with the brothers and their sister. Just being here made me feel like I could leave it all behind me. Almost as if it had never happened. But there were parts of it I could not, and would not, let go of. They were too important.

I sighed and stood, making my way to punching bag, and wondered if I could still make it move. And I swung, and swung again, and realized, maintaining my conditioning had paid off. And I laid into the canvas, pounding away the past year and then the one before it.

_The restraining order is just a piece of paper. I’ll be waiting, this isn’t the end. It’s just an opportunity, for a new beginning._

And with every punch my nightmares surfaced, the abuse, the torture, and then a voice…

_When you can’t find the light, make your own._

The same way the tree found its own. The same way Michelangelo was my own. And the darkness gave way to something bright, that felt good and promising, but on his shoulder was a mark, that should not be there. That was darkness. My blight. My fault. Me.

My body started to shake and my knees buckled and the tide came in, then it rolled, leaving me clinging to the canvas, smeared with blood, my bare knuckles throbbing, and I wept.


	24. Chapter 24

**Karai**

Teagan was home, in my opinion. Over her school year I had talked to her many times over the phone. I wasn’t into email, too much of a trail, old habits die hard I guess. Anyway, we had grown closer, even sending S.O.S. texts when we’d had a bad night and needed someone to talk to.   That way we could call one another at some wretched hour of the morning, and knew we weren’t waking the other up. As it turned out she had nightmares most nights and I did too.

Leo had been right, bit by bit her story came out to me, and mine to her, and it hadn’t mattered that they were very different, because the outcome of them was almost the same. We were fucked up. And being able to talk, to another girl, my age, every bit as damaged as I was, well it helped.

I’m out late tonight, on my rooftop, after curfew actually. I couldn’t sleep, Teagan was in the dojo, pounding the shit out of the bag, and I knew she was going to have to readjust to get back to where she was when she left. And that had me wondering, how far I’d come. I still had flashbacks, although not as frequently, I still had nightmares, the kind that you wake up with your whole body ringing with sweat, screaming so damn loud Leo, who’s room was next to mine, would come in and hold me.

That was the hard part. Leo. Because when you live in the same home as someone, and your damaged the way I am, you can’t hide it as easily. Because he was always watching, he saw it all. And he never flinched. Not once.

So while I thought I’d snuck out, hoping that if anyone did hear me leave, they’d think it was actually Teagan in the dojo, and they’d go back to bed. I should’ve known better. Because Leo knew me. And as I took up my favorite spot, staring out over the brilliant city lights, watching the water flow under the bridge and, wishing my troubles could go along with it, I was slightly annoyed to hear the familiar shift behind the utility closet.

“For fucks sake Leo, I come here to be alone.” I snapped, like I did every night that he followed me there.

From his place behind the closet, he replied, “You don’t actually want to be alone Karai. That’s why I’m always here.”

“How do you know what I want?” I bit back, standing from my seat on the ledge and pulling my Katana. The corners of my mouth quirked upward, and my blood warmed, and my body tingled with anticipation as I crept up to the opposite side of the closet and listened.

I could almost see the little smirk on his face, and the thought of it brought a flush to my body. He would wait for me to make the first move. He always did. With my heart pounding, I stepped around the closet and swiped at him. As our swords clashed, the steel clinking and scraping, small sparks flew off, lighting up the space between us with small red embers, and I looked between them, into his cool blue eyes and felt alive.

And there was that curve of his mouth, one that had me wanting to tear him apart, break him down, and then throw myself at him, and let him save me at the same time. He counter struck, I blocked and parried and struck again, a spin, a kick, my heart racing now, my breathing coming in short pants, his eyes flashing, and he let me pin him to the wall. He let me, and it pissed me off. With my blade at his throat I stared at him over the flat of it, and the moonlight reflected off it and I caught sight of myself, wild-eyed and changed, and for a second I thought I saw the serpent and it was right then that he disarmed me, pulled me into his arms and slammed me into the wall and our mouths crashed together.

“I hate you!” I hissed, between a frenzy of lips, while his hands gripped my hips, and the feeling sent thrills throughout me.

He laughed, “No, Karai, you don’t.”

My hand clenched into a fist and I swiped at him, but of course he caught it and pinned my arm over my head, working my mouth in such a way that I felt him reaching me and I wanted to let go, I needed to let go.   And after doing this same song and dance almost every night for the past four months, my core clenched so hard the muscles cramped, I was ready.

“Leo,” I gasped, as his lips brushed my neck.

“Hmm,” he hummed into my hair, slowing his pace as he inhaled deeply and nuzzled my neck. Then I heard it, that sound, deep and throaty, similar to a cat’s purr in some ways, because it didn’t come from his throat. A churr. And I knew, he’d do whatever I wanted.

“I want you,” I whispered and he pulled back to look me in the eye.

“Now?” His eyes darted over my face, and he released my hand, sliding his down and he brought it to the side of my face, where he stroked my cheek with one large green finger. And he shifted me on the wall and pressed himself against me and I could feel the press of his tail against my center and he rubbed against me just once, and my breath hitched and my body shuddered, and I knew I was wet.

With my eyes locked on his blues, bright as sapphires, I pushed my hips toward him, reached for his lightly pebbled cheek, and moaned as he rubbed against me, my eyes fluttering as my body shivered with trills, “Yes,” I opened my eyes and tried to focus on him, because I knew, if I didn’t look him in the eye and tell him, he wouldn’t do more than this. Because we’d been here before. Only this time. I was ready. “Yes, Leo, now.”

Something snapped in his eyes at the confirmation, and his fingers moved silently, smoothly over my body stripping away my t-shirt, my pants, at the same time I freed him of his padding, intermittently our eyes locked and our mouths met, when I was down to my underwear he pressed me to the wall again, and slid his fingers down over my skin, he seemed to savor every touch, as if he was imprinting the memory of the experience in his head.

And as he unclasped my bra and it fell to the tar covered roof beneath my bare feet I marveled at what he was, inhuman, yet more of a man than any I’d ever known, and more humane than any human. My heart jerked, he was beautiful, green, shelled, scaled, and as he mouthed my breast and I stroked the top of his bald head, I knew he was everything I needed in every way. He kissed his way down to my belly, his hands squeezed my hips then grasped my panties and slid them down, and his warm wet tongue met my trembling flesh. My toes curled and I grabbed the tails of his mask and pulled, as the sensation of his soft wide tongue sweeping from my back to front, had me weak in the knees. “Leo!” I gasped. He rose to meet my mouth, and grabbing my thighs he raised me up, spread my legs wide to either side of him and his tail curled up and rubbed against me. “Leo!” I shivered, tears wetting my eyes, and I reached for his hands, our mouths meeting as he emerged to press hard against my opening.

And as he inched his way in and I stretched wide, he hissed between his teeth and pressed his mouth against mine, “Karai,” he breathed, then shifted his hips and pushed again, I gripped his hand trying to hold on to my sanity, the very thing he was supposed to help me cling to, “breathe, Karai, just breathe,” his lips swept over mine, and I tasted myself on his tongue, he shifted his mouth to my neck and repeated himself, “breathe, Karai,” he stopped, half inside me and looked me in the eye, “Do you trust me Karai?”

With tears in my eyes, and him holding me open, to him, his touch gentle, yet infinitely strong, his blues soothed me and I nodded, “Yes, Leo, I trust you.”

His gaze softened, “then breathe.”

As I exhaled, and inhaled he moved deeper inside me, with every breath, until I was so full of him I thought I’d tear, and I wondered why anyone wanted to do this, it was so uncomfortable, but then he started to move, and I grew slippery wet as each thrust started to feel...

“Breathe Karai,” he repeated, and he thrust in sync with my breaths, which came shorter and faster before he plunged deep inside me, exhaled sharply and spilled himself deep within. His skin was slick with sweat, his face buried in the crook of my neck, where he brought his lips to my collarbone and kissed me softly and lowered me from the wall, wrapping his arms around me, still inside me, and pressed himself close to me, his plastron was hard against my breast and my ribcage was tender from being thrust against the wall as he pushed against me. As he sat on the roof, holding me in his arms, slowly retreating back inside himself, my heart beat in a slow steady rhythm, my core was wet with him, and I was changed by him. I’d given myself to him. I’d reached for him, he’d caught me, and I loved him.

And it terrified me.

Then he said those damn words. Those stupid fucking words.

“I love you Karai.”

My stomach rolled and a great weight settled in my heart, like he’d thrust his sword deep in my chest.

“Don’t say that, Leo.”

My body tensed now.

He loosened his grasp, and I stood up, turned and started snatching my clothes off the ground, tugging them on, and avoiding looking at him.

“I do love you. I’ve loved you for so long, and after what we just did… you gave yourself to me.”

My jaw shifted and my heart clenched. I picked up his knee pads and chucked them at him.

“Don’t say those things!” Tears streaked my cheeks and I wondered what I’d done, why had I let it get this far? I’m not capable of this, I chucked an elbow pad at him and he sat wide eyed and shocked, and I wanted desperately to kiss him and hit at the same time.

“What?” He shifted to get to his feet, his face showing me how badly he wanted to understand.

I picked up my katana and tipped the blade to his throat, glaring at him, “Don’t.” I shook my head, “I can’t believe I let go like that. You, make me crazy Leo. I am so damaged, and you provoke feelings in me that I’m just not ready for. So. Just. Don’t.”

His mask bunched and his frown crushed me, then he held up his hands and stepped back from my blade, “I’m sorry, Karai, I thought-”

“Well you thought wrong,” I snapped, then leapt from the roof.

“Karai!”

**  
**

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Teagan**

**Tuesday**

“Tape your knuckles, ah never mind let me, you never do it right,” Raphael rolled his green eyes, snatched a roll of tape from the weapons table and stomped over to me. “Hands?” He raised an eye ridge and I clenched my teeth. He shook his head, “Why ya always have an attitude, huh?”

“Why do you care?” I hissed.

His jaw shifted as he grabbed one of my hands and turned it over, “See these knuckles? They shouldn’t look like this Teagan. You’re always lettin’ yourself get hurt. You think none of us can see you but we can and you’re better than this.”

When I looked toward the door he shoved my scabbed knuckles in my face.

“Look what your doin’ to yourself.” He gave my wrist a squeeze and my heartbeat quickened, and as if sensing my fear, he released me, “You can walk out that door, but it ain’t gonna make it go away.”

Words bounced around in my head, I had a thousand thoughts and I didn’t know where to begin. Why they kept trying to help me I didn’t know, I’d almost gotten their brother killed. But even their own black sheep seemed to have invested themselves in me.

I licked my lips and pressed them flat, before swallowing the knot in the back of my throat. I pulled my gaze from the door, glanced into his green eyes then looked to the floor. “The pain feels good,” I whispered.

“What?” He leaned down, putting his face in front of mine, “Hey, I’m up here. Not down there. Stop lookin’ down all the time. Talk ta me up here. Did you just say it felt good?” He grabbed my hand again and turned it gently right and left, “Why? What could hurt so bad inside that this feels better?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I stood up straighter, and flipped my internal bitch switch as I looked at him dead on, “so are we working out or not?”

One corner of his mouth quirked upward and his eyes seemed to brighten, “Yeah, but only if ya lemme tape these up.”

I shrugged, “Well get on with it.”

He laughed, “You’re a trip Tea.”

“Yeah, well you’re a-” I couldn't finish.  I noticed something in his eyes that stopped me. It was something I didn’t deserve and he hadn’t earned any kind of slight from my lips.

“I’m a what?” His mask bunched and the upturn of his mouth broadened into a full on grin.

“Well right now you’re acting like a jerk.”

He scoffed, “Maybe you should tape your own knuckles.” But he didn’t release my hand, instead beginning to wrap above my wrist.

“Raph?”

He was quick and already passing the tape across the top of my hand to my knuckles, “Yeah?”

“Why do you respect me?”

His head popped up, his eyes widening, “What? I mean I do, but why would ya ask that?”

“I just, I swear I saw it a few minutes ago. You looked at me like you… I don’t know… respect seemed-”

“I admire you Teagan. That was admiration. You can say it. Hell if _I_ can tell you that, _you_ should be able to say it.” He shook his head, “Look, whatever it is that happened to ya must’ve been bad. But every day you drag yourself in here, when you’re sick, hung over, pissed, afraid, struggling, dealing with whatever it is that’s goin’ on in your pretty little head,” he finished wrapping my hand and held it as he stepped closer to me, still looking me in the eye, “you’re a fighter Tea, and I like that about ya.”

The lump in my throat shifted higher, forming a knot at the back of it that hurt and my chest clenched. I turned my head to the wall and bit my quivering lip, blinking furiously against the hot tears coating my lashes as a single drop slid down my cheek.

His huge thumb brushed it away, “and ya keep goin’ even when all that happens.”

Resisting the urge to hug him, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and composed myself. He lowered his hand and I felt him step back. When I opened them again he gave me a small smile and pointed to my other hand.

He finished taping my knuckles without further conversation and pointed me to a bag, “Knock’em dead Killer.”

The damn word was like a punch to the gut and the room dissolved around me.

_“You’re a real whore now. I just bought you from your Mom.” He ran his hand over his shaved head, pressing his body against mine until he’d backed me into the kitchen wall, “I can do whatever I want with you now.”_

“Tea?”

“I’m not your whore!” I shrieked, near jumping out of my skin when Raph’s hand touched my shoulder.

“Whoa! Teagan?”

My eyes widened as I realized that I’d actually swung at him, his eyes darted over me and he held his hands up in mock surrender. With my heart pounding and tears slipping away I threw my palms up over my eyes, “Shit!”

“Tea?”

“I’m so sorry, Raph. I’m sorry,” I paced the dojo with my hands over my eyes until I walked right into his plastron. His fingers wrapped around my forearms and he pulled them away and I clamped my eyes shut so I wouldn’t have to look at him.

“Look at me Teagan.”

His voice had never sounded so serious before. He’d been sarcastic, bitter, angry, hurt, even caring, but this tone was so unique for him that I couldn’t remember having heard it… except when Mikey was hurt. He’d been worried and his love for his brother was just as easy to see as the mask on his face.

“Open your eyes, Teagan.”

He wasn’t asking, and I felt something turn within me, like a dial with a setting change from roasting down to warm. Still sniffling I opened my eyes to peer into his spring green gems. He slipped his hands to either side of my face and they covered the back of my head. Looking me square in the eye with openness and true compassion he spoke to me, “I know _you_ don’t want to tell me what that was about, but _I_ want you to know you can tell me anything. _Anything_ Teagan, and I won’t judge you for it. If anybody knows darkness when they see it, it’s me. Trust me. I’ve done some shit I’m not proud of too.”

More tears filled my eyes and my voice trembled, “You keep saying that, but you don’t know what you’re asking.” I blinked and hurt for how much I wanted to tell him everything, just to not have this weight on my shoulders, so he’d really understand.

He can’t care for me.

I won’t let him, it’s bad enough I’d already let Michelangelo into my heart.

“And I can’t train with you anymore.”

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Teagan**

**Wednesday**

“Lunch is ready,” Michelangelo chirped from the kitchen.

I sat in Lotus aside Leo, trying to meditate. But the truth was, I was hungry and my mind was a roiling mess of how I’d walked out on Raph yesterday, and the pestering feeling that I really wanted to stay, to let myself feel, to have the courage to move forward. Only I still felt I deserved to suffer, for my past.

“Lunch, Leo and Tea!” Mikey bellowed from the dojo door.

Leo sighed and I peeked in his direction to find him pressing his fingers between his eyes and found myself grinning.

“Be right there Mikey.” I said, getting to my feet as Leo did the same.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Leo asked raising an eye ridge as we walked side-by-side to the kitchen.

Oh no.

“Talk about what?” I shrugged, careful not to make eye contact. I passed Donnie, carrying a full plate, and he nodded a greeting to us both.

“Teagan you’ve been fidgeting for the past half hour we were meditating. I couldn’t even touch a trance for the mess of energy you radiated.” Leo picked up a plate from the counter and glanced at Mikey, who’d behaved as if he’d slaved over lunch, when in fact three large pizzas had just been delivered.

I chewed on my lower lip. Leo and I had come a long way, in truth my relationship with each of them had since last summer. I trusted them, maybe I could…

Just then Raphael all but stomped in, shot me an irritated scowl, then looked away to slap two slices of pizza on his plate.

“You just gonna stand in the middle of the kitchen and block traffic?” He snapped, as he turned to leave and had to go around me. I swallowed the lump in my throat as my eyes darted from Raph to Leo and my stomach bottomed out as I saw a flicker of understanding flash in the fearless leader’s blues.

At this rate everyone would have me spilling my guts.

With wide eyes I whipped around and slammed into Raph, sending his full glass of water all over my pants. “Shit!” I shrieked, “That’s fucking cold!”

“Well it was ice-water Graceful.” He deadpanned.

Leo slipped around me, “I’ll get a towel. You should go change.”

I flipped water off my fingers and nodded, “Yeah.” Avoiding Raph’s glare I stepped around him and made my way to the living room to dig a pair of pants out my bag. As I ruffled through the duffel I realized I didn’t have any clean pairs of pants left. “Oh no,” I grumbled.

“What’s wrong Tea?” Mikey leaned over the arm of the couch, pizza cheese dripping from his lip.

“Did anyone rotate laundry today?” I asked searching his fair blue eyes then glanced toward Raph, Donnie, Leo, Splinter and Karai at the kitchen table.

“Sorry, I forgot.” Karai shrugged.

“Ok, I’ll do it.” My shoulders slumped as I reached into my bag and pulled out a pair of shorts. Maybe they won’t… I sighed as I made my way to the bathroom to change, stopping to rotate laundry on my way. Surely I can just avoid everyone for an hour, I told myself as I pulled on the black athletic shorts and made my way back to the dojo.

As I picked up a roll of tape and laid the first strip over my wrist there was a grumble, then the sound of a throat clearing before Raph finally muttered, “You didn’t come back.” He grunted begrudgingly, “I mean, they saved you a couple slices, since you didn’t eat. Why didn’t ya come back?”

I tugged furiously on the tape trying to tear it off and found large green fingers coming to rest tentatively over mine. He took the tape from me and drew my hand out then positioned them as he often did when he wrapped my hands. I kept my eyes from his, looking to the wall beside us and chewed furiously on my lip while my heart pounded.

His fingers stopped moving, “You’re shakin, like a damn leaf.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“For?” He asked, in the blunt way that only he could.

“Shaking.” I pressed my lips together and closed my eyes.

I felt the air shift as he moved, and I stood, struggling to stop my damn muscles from trembling, in fear that he would notice, and of course he did.

“What the hell are those?” he sounded confused, but I knew exactly what he was talking about. And his voice changed as he realized for himself, that something wasn’t right. “They look like little smiley faces. Why would you- those aren’t tattoos.”

My head drooped as I pulled my hand from his light grasp to rub my face, hoping to hide behind my palms.

“How’d you get those scars Teagan?”

It wasn’t often that Raphael’s most menacing tone was directed at me, and in truth I knew it wasn’t, but I could feel his temper rising nonetheless.

Maybe I could change the subject.

“I’m sorry about yesterday too.” I mumbled into my palms.

He pulled my hands from my face, “Look at me Tea.”

I felt my eyebrows draw together, my forehead furrowing so deep I thought I’d give myself a headache. “I can’t.” I shook my head.

He growled. “What’s it gonna take Teagan? Huh? We’ve been friends for a year, you text, you email, and I know you care. Then you’re here and you flip like a damn light switch.” Every word he said was laced with anger and confusion.

I pressed my lips together and sensed him straighten.

“What are these marks?” For some reason he was brazen today and I felt the calluses on his thick finger as it brushed over the outside of my leg, just above my knee.

Instinctively my breath drew in, sharp and dreading, and my muscle tensed beneath his touch.

“I ain’t gonna fucking hurt ya!” he snapped.

The air I brought in was trapped, it hadn’t made it to my lungs and his words wounded me like a punch to the gut because I knew they were true, and yet I couldn’t stop my reaction. And that only sent the oxygen rushing to my face where it spread across my cheeks and burned like I’d spent hours in the sun. “I know, I’m sorry, I know.” And I opened my water filled eyes, and saw in his, just how desperately he wanted to understand. For Christ’s sakes Teagan, he’s putting himself out there and he doesn’t do that, and you’re fucking it up. He deserves an explanation and you owe it to him to make him understand.

And the time had come. To lose another friend. Only this time, I knew, it was someone who meant a great deal to me, and the hurt of that loss damn near matched the pain of my mistakes.

My body slumped but I made myself look him in the eye, “He burned me with a lighter.”

“What?” He took a fumbling step back and I felt a sudden calm wash over me as I steeled myself for the loss to come. I didn’t move, just waited for it to soak in. His eyes broke from mine, shifting to my leg and he leaned to the other side and found matching marks on it. His jaw clenched and his hands curled into fists. “How do I find him?”

“It was almost two years ago Raph. He hasn’t bothered me since I took out the restraining order against him when I got home last fall, and apparently, he called off his goons. His Grandmother has custody of him and they warned her that if she couldn’t keep him in line he’d end up back in Juvenal Detention.” I remained still, giving him the distance a repulsed person would surely need, and knew it was only going to get worse from there.

“The sick bastard burned you? Why? Why would anyone do that?” His eyes flashed a green so furious I thought I saw the outline of flames in them.

I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat and looked to the lightning bolt shaped chip in his plastron. “Because I disobeyed.” The only thing I could think of that could be more difficult than this would be telling Mikey. That thought made my stomach turn and my heart flutter and I knew my feelings for the orange clad turtle were getting away from me.

“Look Raph, this is a long, sick, story. Can I just tell you that by the time you know all of it you will hate me and we just skip all that? I’ll walk away and it’ll save me the pain of watching that feeling grow on your face as I tell you, and it’ll spare you of having to know just how horrible a person I am. For both our sakes, please, just let me just go.”

He stared at me. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him but I could feel his eyes boring into me, and my heart clenched like it was trapped in an ever tightening vice.

“I don’t think so Teagan. I’ve wanted to understand the mystery that is you for a long while and I’ve waited until you were ready to tell me whatever it is that you’ve struggled with all this time. And now that we’re here, if you’ve lived through it then the least I can do is listen.”

My nostrils flared with my rapid breaths and my hands shook, “Well then,” my eyes darted to his then back to the chip in his plastron, “You should know that I’m only telling you because you asked. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

I saw his head shaking in my peripheral, “No. You’re telling me because you want to be honest and you need to get it off your chest.”

My lip trembled and my vision blurred, “No, Raphael, once you know, you’ll hate me. Once you know, you’ll never want to see me again.” The pain in my chest grew so that it hurt to breathe and I wished it was over so I could go.

“Hey, I was just cleaning up the kitchen and-” Michelangelo appeared, stopping short just inside the dojo door, “My bad, am I interrupting something?” He eyed Raph and me cautiously, and I wiped my eyes and cleared my throat.

“No, uh, Raph was just telling me-”

“Yes, we were just discussing how serious and private this conversation is and decided we should finish it in my room.” Raphael cut me off, grabbed my hand and led me around Michelangelo and didn’t stop until we were, in fact, in his room. He pulled me inside and shut the door behind me. “You, make yourself comfy and spill.”


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: In this chapter Teagan’s past is revealed. It is dark, violent, abusive and repulsive. This is a TRIGGER WARNING.**

 

 

**Elastic Heart**

**And I will stay up through the night**

**Lets be clear, I won't close my eyes**

**And I know that I can survive**

**I walked through fire to save my life**

**And I want it, I want my life so bad**

**-Sia-**

**Teagan**

There were few people I’d told my story to. And the few who knew, either never looked at me the same again or just dropped my friendship altogether. At first I told the people closest to me. Half of me hoped they’d understand, the other half actually wanted them to react the way they did. I wanted them to hate me. I deserved it. I hated myself.

Right now I pressed my back against Raphael’s door, watching as he lowered himself to sit on the edge of his bed where he waited for me to speak. And I gazed into his spring green eyes, his pupils wide with interest, framed with the bright red of his mask. My heart did some weird jerk, like a last breath of life before it sank like an anchor coming to settle itself atop my stomach. I let my eyes fall to the floor by his feet, and I stared at the thin worn red rug and it blurred before it fell away…

“Just after my sixteenth birthday I met a boy…”

_The humidity was near unbearable, and with the heat came the hormones. While I watched Kim and Anna bicker over who was going to get the green eyed, blonde boy that had originally expressed an interest in Kim, but was currently flirting with me, I realized I wanted him, just to watch them both scratch their heads and wonder where they’d gone wrong. That and to see if I could get him. Not that I expected to actually get him, nobody was interested in me._

_Kim and Anna were both in the class beneath mine, I had few friends my own age, at school or otherwise. The kids at school generally avoided me. Let’s put it this way, in a cafeteria of three hundred kids, I ate alone. Stifled by being forced to stay home and babysit my handicapped baby sister, while my single mom worked two jobs, I wasn’t able to get involved in any school activities and had no opportunities to make friends. I cleaned a preschool on my Mom’s nights off, and used the money to pay for my gymnastics. My father mailed in his child support checks, but my Mom had long turned me against him, and we’d run him off years before. Nobody cared about me, and if they did, I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel a damn thing._

_I ducked inside the small cinder block house to escape the stagnant heat, leaving the volleyball game behind. Grabbing a soda from the fridge, I sat on the couch, legs apart, resting my elbows on my knees, and took a sip of the sugary drink before placing the can on my big sister’s coffee table._

_“I can tell you’re not a virgin,” he said sitting beside me, eyeing me like a piece of meat, “by the way you sit.” He couldn’t be more wrong. But I learned later, that he knew that. He hunted girls like me, he was a predator, and he was only fifteen, himself._

_He reached over and rubbed his hand over my thigh, sliding it up between my legs where he cupped my sex over the nylon of my bikini, at the same time twisting his body over mine to snatch my mouth up with his and he forced my lips apart with his tongue. It felt good and I was lonely._

_He was interested in me._

_Not Kim._

_Not Anna._

_Me._

_And I was lonely._

I paused in my story, to clear my throat and assess my current friendship status with Raphael. So far, in only the beginning of what would be my worst nightmare, I’ve had my first ever kiss with a guy, who’s come-on line, was a remark about my virginity, and I’ve stolen a guy from a girl who was supposed to be my friend. All because I wanted someone to notice me.

But Raphael’s expression was blank and unreadable and he stated in such a way I couldn’t gauge his thoughts, “And that was your first kiss.”

I nodded, “We started dating shortly thereafter, and that’s when I started to learn things about him…”

_The sun was hot, especially as we walked along the asphalt which seemed to absorb the heat until it couldn’t hold anymore and then vapors rose up, swirling just ahead where I looked toward my home in the distance. My shoes shuffled as we made our way down hill through the neighborhood and a grasshopper bounced across our path. He reached down and picked up the tiny flailing creature, ripped off its legs and tossed it into the yard and kept walking._

_My stomach turned, “Why’d you do that? It didn’t hurt you!”_

_“Why not, it was fun.” He remarked and kept walking._

_That was the first time I felt something was wrong. A seed had been planted and what it grew into, was far worse than just a weed. But he turned around and put his arm over my shoulder and pulled me to him, smothering my thoughts in lusty kisses and carefully placed gropes._

_And I felt something._

I paused to study Raphael for reaction. Still nothing. “What happened next?” his voice was even, and emotionless and I wondered what was going through his head.

“His grandma dropped him off one day, and when I opened my front door to let him in, I saw him kicking at my cat as it darted across his path. We fought about that for a week. That cat was my best friend. And yet, somehow he talked me into giving him my hamster. He really wanted the cage and promised me he’d take good care of it. Anyway, that came back to haunt me. But in the meantime, his uncle drove us to the mall a week later…”

_“I just got my check, I want to buy you something Kitty Cat, come on pick something out.”_

_“But I don’t really want anything.” I didn’t. I just wanted him, sort of. I mean I wasn’t alone anymore and that felt good. After his incessant demands, I picked out a blue and green flannel shirt with Mickey Mouse embroidered on the pocket, just so he’d stop pestering me._

_“Good Girl, now let’s eat.”_

_His uncle had picked us up just after nine, when the mall closed._

_“Sit in the back with me, Kitty Cat.” We slid in the back and he pulled me across his lap and slipped his fingers inside my panties, kissing me at the same time. It felt strange, and exciting. Here was his uncle not saying a word, right there in the seat in front of us, while we made out like the hormonal teenagers we were the whole way back to my house. And the thrill of it, doing something we probably shouldn’t, right there out in the open made me feel… alive._

“I found out that the check he’d gotten was the welfare check his Grandma got every month for raising him. She just cashed it and gave it to him to spend, and at the first week of every month he’d take me on a date and make me buy something, then on the way home he made me do things. Eventually he started to tell me, ‘I bought you, _whatever he’d bought me_ , now you have to pay me back and this is what I want.’

I didn’t realize that the guys he hung out with, when he wasn’t with me, bought alcohol for him, that and drugs, and I didn’t know what those guys where up to themselves. At least until one night when my Mom let me go to his house…”

_“You know you’ve got to start putting out soon or I’m going to find someone who will, and then you’ll be alone again Kitty Cat.” He handed me the whiskey bottle and I took a swig off it, swallowing without making a face just to show him how tough I was. Then he handed me a cigarette, “You should dress nicer too, quit wearing all this baggy shit, put on a nice tight tank top and cut-off shorts, the kind that let your ass cheeks hang out so other guys can see what’s for sale.”_

_“But I’m not for sale.”_

_“Not yet, but I’m still breaking you in.” He rolled on top of me and pushed my legs apart and I let him do what he wanted. What did I care about my virginity anyway? It’s not like I was ever going to have some all special first time, where someone made a big deal out of it and tried to make me feel important. I knew what he was saying to me was wrong. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t alone. Besides he was my boyfriend, I belonged to him. I was pretty sure he was allowed to do what he wanted to me, whether I wanted it or not. That’s how it worked right? What the fuck did I know about boyfriends? I’d never had one before._

I paused when Raphael took a sharp inhale and his jaw began to shift, his hands fisted over the comforter of his bed and he clamped his eyes shut. He stopped abruptly when he realized I was no longer speaking.

“Heard enough?” I asked hopefully.

“For fucks sake, there’s more?” He growled, still not opening his eyes.

“You know, maybe we should pick this up another time, or we can just forget it all together.” I stood up straight, turned and reached for the doorknob.

“Finish it. Just… finish the damn story.” His voice was a low strangled one, as if he forced the words out and I didn’t know what he thought about me anymore, but I was sure it wasn’t the same. How could it be?

“He started lecturing me about…”

_“Coloreds are evil, devil incarnates, they want to breed with us and taint our bloodline. It should be pure. They should all die, burn at the stake.”_

_“You’re wrong, and sick. We should all live in peace. I think all the different skin tones are beautiful and unique and when they blend it’s-”_

_“A crime against you’re race. What are you a race traitor? I should beat some sense into you. But that would bruise your pretty face and people would know. Not to mention nobody would pay to fuck that.”_

_“You’re trying to brainwash me. I don’t like it, and I won’t believe anything you say, and for the hundredth time I’m not going to sleep with your friends.”_

_He snickered as he watched the flame burning at the tip of his disposable lighter. “We’ll just see about that.” He leaned over and pressed the tip of the lighter to my leg with one hand, while holding it still with his other. I squirmed but did not scream, because my mother was in the next room, getting ready for her nightshift. Pressing his lips to my ear he snarled, “Now you will obey, or you will burn.” Then he released me all together, leaning back to admire his handiwork. “Not bad, a cute little smiley face. How many of those will you earn before you break?”_

The sound of an audible growl summoned me from my past, and I didn’t mind because we were nearing the avalanche that was soon to cave in on me. I ignored Raph’s outburst and continued. I may as well get it over with.

“He called one day to say…”

_“Your hamster dies tonight.”_

_“What? Why?”_

_“It ate my gerbil.”_

_“Why’d you put your gerbil in the cage with it? You can’t do that!”_

_“It ate my gerbil. All that’s left is its head. The punishment is death.”_

_“Just give him back to me. Please don’t hurt him.”_

_He lived forty-five minutes away in a trailer park on the redneck side of town. There wasn’t a damn thing I could do._

_“Got to go, Leith’s here. He wants to meet you soon. You know it ain’t no fun if my boy’s can’t have none.” He put the phone down and I heard a man’s voice._

_“What’d you put all over him?”_

_“Petroleum.”_

_“Light him up.”_

_“Wow,” my boyfriend laughed, “watch him squirm!”_

_I thought I was going to be sick, I sat there sobbing, helpless to stop him. There’s something wrong with him. Horribly wrong. He’s messed up, bad. Maybe I can save him. Maybe if I try to talk to him, or care enough, maybe if I show him he’s wrong, he’ll change. He has to, because if he doesn’t, I’ll be alone again._

_Then it got worse…_

_“I’m going to be a pimp someday in a houseful of whores and you will be my queen. But you’ve got to let Leith have a taste, soon.”_

_He couldn’t be serious? Surely, he wasn’t serious. But he kept saying it to me all the time now. That and he was going to do, what he was getting ready to do, because he’d just bought me a ring and I knew when he slipped it on my right ring finger what he would want._

_Only I wasn’t interested._

_His breath tasted like onions and the smell that was attached to his tongue, darting in my mouth made me want to gag. “I don’t want to,” I tried to gently push him away, but his body weight shifted until he was pressing me flat into the floor, almost crushing the breath out of me, and he rested himself fully on me and he was so heavy I thought I’d suffocate. “No, get off me, I don’t want to!”_

_“Sure you do,” he replied reaching down between us to unbutton my shorts._

_I struggled, trying my damndest to get him off me. My heart was slamming against my chest, my lungs burning for reprieve of the weight. He wasn’t but sixty pounds more than me, but the way he had me down, I couldn’t raise my knees to kick, or get my shoulder off the floor. My hands were the only thing that could move, everything else was pinned, and that’s when I realized I was out of control._

_“Besides,” he said as he tugged my shorts off, and pried my legs apart to shove himself inside me, “No means yes.” Then he began to thrust, almost singing the words in a cadence with his movements, “No means yes...”_

“STOP!” Raphael screamed.

“Tell me about it.” I whispered, my eyes falling on Raph who’d amassed a pile of comforter beneath his fists and I knew he was close. He’d hate me soon, and it’d all be over, and at this point, I wanted it to be. Then he’d tell the others what a demon I was, and I’d be alone again. Which was something I wasn’t afraid of anymore. Now, it was the other way around. I feared being with anyone. Especially his saint of a brother. “But the stories not over.”

Raphael said nothing and I noticed he couldn’t look at me now. Yes, it would be over soon and I would go.

“I didn’t know what date rape was. I was confused on two parts. One, he was my boyfriend and I thought he was entitled to my body whether I wanted it or not. I mean he always told me he owned me and I kind of believed it. I was his and he could do what he wanted with me. And two…”

_I held the phone pressed tight to my ear, determined to make him understand._

_“I don’t want to go on our date tonight.”_

_“Why not? I’ll buy you something nice Kitty Cat.”_

_“No. I don’t want anything and I don’t want to have sex anymore. I gave you permission that first time but I’ve never truly wanted to do it, not any of the times we have, and the last three times I’ve told you that and you won’t listen.”_

_“What, are you trying to say I raped you?”_

_Rape?_

_What?_

_“No, you didn’t beat me. I just don’t want to have sex anymore.”_

_“Well that sounds like it’s what you’re saying. You know I’m fifteen. You could get in a lot of trouble if I told my Grandma you had sex with me. Your older, you could go to juvie.”_

_That’s not true. Is it? We’re only a couple months apart._

_“I’ll see you at seven. That’s what time the party starts, right?”_

_My heart sank as I anticipated the weight of his body crushing against mine, “Right.”_

_A few short hours later my guest were arriving and the group of us, which mostly consisted of his friends, took a walk into the woods at the bottom of the street. He grabbed my hand, “Come on let’s go see what’s this way.”_

_He pulled me away from our group of friends, down near the creek bed where he stopped, stuck a foot behind mine and pushed me down. And there it was, that weight smothering the air from me, my back aching beneath the lumps of rock jutting up into my kidneys and I struggled, determined that this time it would not happen._

_“No, I don’t want to. I told you I don’t want to.”_

_“No means yes, no means yes, you want it, no means yes,” he chanted, tugging off my shorts and driving himself inside me. I’d exhausted myself trying to fight with him, gave up and lay there waiting for it to be over. Only this time he didn’t pull out. “Can you feel it?” He whispered, and his lips against my ear made my stomach turn._

_“Feel what?”_

_“Them swimming inside you?”_

_What? Surely, he didn’t mean!_

_But of course, he did._

“But you didn’t get pregnant, right?” Raphael’s voice was coarse, as if he pushed the words out but didn’t want to speak them, and certainly didn’t want to know the answer.

My eyes narrowed in on the corner of the rug at his feet again. “I told you, you didn’t want to know this Raphael. But you and your family just couldn’t let it be. Yes. I got pregnant.”

It was almost over now, and yet another light in my life would burn out. It’s okay. I’d earned it. I was used to it.

“When my older sister found out she demanded I have an abortion. Then my father, yes my absent father, showed up encouraging the same. Of all the options available to me they only presented me with one. They only talked about one. And it was one that I didn’t want, but that didn’t seem to matter.”

_“You’re father met with that boy’s grandmother today. We all understand the plan. He’s asked if he can see you again after it’s done. As long as he gives us the money to cover the cost of it your Dad says that’s okay. Just don’t do this again. We’ll get you on the pill or something.”_

_And then it was done._

_I was broken, lost in an abyss with a handful of people scowling and shaking their heads, all hope for my future gone, if there ever was any to begin with. I could be in a room full of people, but had never felt more alone. But I held a false sense of relief when I thought for sure he was gone._

_I was wrong._

_“It’s for you,” my mother tossed the phone on the bed and marched out of my room._

_“Hello?”_

_“You’re a baby killing whore and when I get my hands on you I’ll beat you to death. You’ll wish it was you that was never born.”_

_It was the first of many, threatening calls from people whose voices I did not recognize, then they left messages on the answering machine that my mother listened to. And then they started showing up at my house, looking in the windows and pounding on the doors while I cowered in a closet with my baby sister._

_“Come on Kitty Cat, let me in! I brought my friend Leith with me. We’ll set everything straight!”_

_I stayed hidden until he was gone and didn’t leave the house for days._

_Then he called for my Mom one day, and showed up at the house as if he’d made an appointment with her. He handed her a wad of cash and my stomach turned. I could smell his cheap cologne as soon as he’d walked in the door and I couldn’t breathe for the overpowering scent. He watched her count the cash before she slipped into the hall closet and tucked it away in her purse. “I have to make a phone call,” she said disappearing into her room._

_In the blink of an eye he had me pinned me against the kitchen wall, leaning over me his hips flush against mine. “You’re a real whore now. I just bought you from your Mom.”_

_Oh God, I’ll never be free of him. Never. I’m never going to escape. I’d given up my own baby thinking it would tie me to him forever, and I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. What would he have done to my child? And here he was. He’d driven me to the darkest place I had never thought I’d see and I dangled on the edge of a seemingly bottomless pit by my fingertips, and even they were slipping. At this rate, I’d be dead soon. The light inside me had long burned out, my fire extinguished, any passion or hope I had for anything… gone._

_He shifted his weight off of me and stood casually. He knew she was coming._

_I knew I was as good as dead, even though I stood there breathing. My Mom reappeared in the kitchen. Then she spoke those words…_

_“It is what we agreed. If you paid you could see her again.”_

_No one was going to save me. Not my few friends who’d long given up, not my sister whose idea the damn eternal shame had been in the first place, not my mother, who stood by letting everyone else decide my future for me, and not my father who just wanted it all to go away._

_Fuck them all._

_I’d save my damn self._

_“No.”_

_They both turned their eyes on me, “What?”_

_“I said no.” I straightened myself and looked him in the eye, “You heard me. I said no. We are not getting back together.”_

_“But Kitty Cat, I paid.”_

_“You need to leave.”_

_“What?”_

_“Now.”_

_“No. What?”_

_“Get out. Get out of my house, now.”_

_“You heard her.” My mother found her voice somehow, “Leave now. I don’t want to have to call the police.”_

_“What?”_

_“Get. Out. Now.”_

_“I’ll tell everyone what you did. My people will be watching you.”_

_“Get out!”_

_He left. But not without spreading rumors around my school, not without more threatening messages, visits, and phone calls. The sickest part of the whole damn thing is, I think, in his demented mind he really thought he loved me, he just had no idea how to love. He was abused himself, caught up in a cult, and had abused me in turn. As fucked up as I am now, he’s worse._

I let the story end, although it didn’t seem to be, because I was getting threats again. But that was all they ever had been. Empty threats. Him hanging on by a thread, trying to find some way to manipulate me into coming back. But he’d taken me to my rock bottom, the only way left for me to go, was back up.

“I turned my grades around. I gave up on everything but school. I worked really hard at it for the first time ever. It hasn’t made any difference, no one cares, but I feel-” my eyes darted around Raphael’s room. From his battered dresser, to his drum set, his metal posters on the walls, to the punching bag hanging in one corner. He may be a mutant, with enemies who hate him for what he is, for whose son he is, but to my knowledge he’d never commit such a soul tainting crime before. And as my eyes flickered to his face I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eye. The room fell silent for the first time in the past couple hours and I felt ill for the cloud now hanging over us. “I- should probably go- now.”

I turned my back on him, wrapping my fingers around the doorknob, even getting so far as to turn it before he finally spoke.

“What part of that story was supposed to make me hate you?” I could tell by the tone of his voice, he knew. He would’ve been a fool not to, and Raphael was anything but a fool.

“You know what part.” I whispered, pressing my forehead against the cool wood of the door and surrendering, for just a moment, to the lashing I would surely receive. Sometimes it felt good, the verbal abuse, because I was certain I deserved it.

“You’re a survivor Teagan. You have to know that.” His voice was strained, and while I wondered why it wasn’t angry, I couldn’t bring myself to look upon his face to understand what was there.

“Yeah, well, not all parties made it out alive. Not the most precious ones. It didn’t end the way I wanted. Not that I wanted any of it at all.” I kept my head against the door and realized it was all that was holding me up. My heart was pounding, my body fatigued, and my chest felt wet inside like I’d been crying for hours, but I hadn’t shed a tear yet. Fucking pathetic.

He was standing behind me now, towering over me. He was so close I could smell the cedary scent that often accompanied him, strong and wild, like him. “Please turn around Teagan.”

I wondered why he was asking me, when usually he would just tell me what to do. It didn’t matter anyway, I couldn’t move. The door was holding me up. “I can’t.” My voice sounded brittle as if it could give way to a sea of tears that just weren’t there. Where there should be a well of emotions trying to pound their way out, there was only a vacant hull, as if there was a hand pushing them down so they wouldn’t escape. I could control what happened to me if I did that, abandoned my emotions. I could protect myself from the strike that was surely coming.

“Yes you can. And you know why?” Strength came to his voice, as if he was growing with confidence, and he let that energy radiate toward me. He didn’t wait for me to answer him and I knew it would all be over soon. “Because everything that’s happened to you was fucked up. All of it. That no one was there for you, that you didn’t understand what was happening, it wasn’t just your fuck up Tea. And you did fuck up, but not in the way you think. Everyone who should’ve been looking out for you, they turned their heads, and then as far as I can tell, they didn’t turn them back, so not only did they fail you but they continue to. And you, your only fuck up was not realizing him for what he was sooner. But you saved yourself.” I felt his hand reach for mine and I kind of let it fall, I was shaking so damn bad my knees wanted to give way, but I was determined to keep myself up and I wondered where my strength had gone. Where was the will power I’d had to send away my manipulator when all I was trying to do was face the turtle behind me?

And I realized, as I wrapped my fingers around his palm, I cared more for Raphael than I knew. He guided me away from the door, turning me to face him and I looked, yet again, to the rug beneath his feet. “You,” he said pressing a finger under my chin, “Saved yourself. Look in my eyes Tea,” and with my mind a jumble of memories and expectations, I did as he said and I was floored to see something I felt certain I was unworthy of. Love. “You know now that you have to protect yourself and that you can count on you. Being comfortable with being alone is a good thing. What happened to you isn’t, but you’ve grounded yourself as a result of it and it’s over. He’s never going to hurt you again, because yeah my brothers and I have your back, but more importantly you have your own. I get why you train so hard, I thought I did before, but I really do now. What I’m worried about, is if you’ll ever forgive yourself.”

“No.” I answered without thinking and his head jerked back a little in surprise. “I don’t have any desire to forgive myself. To do that would mean that I’d forgotten, and while I failed that baby miserably, I won’t ever forget it. He or she deserves that much. He or she deserved better.”

“And so do you.” His thumb slid under my eye, swiping something away, but before he could pull his rough cool skin from my cheek, my hand was there over his and I leaned into his palm and closed my eyes as something dripped down my cheek and landed on my lip.

“I just want to know what it feels like when it’s, as it should be. I want to know what that feels like, when someone knows the monster you are and still looks you in the eye and says-”

“I love you.”

His words wrapped themselves around my heart like two hands cradling it and encouraging it to beat.

“Yes,” I breathed, opening my eyes to meet his.

He shook his head while bringing up his other hand to hold my face still, “No. I mean I love you like a sister Teagan.”

I stared at him, trying to make sense of what was happening. “You can’t. I’m a mess. I’m a horrible human being.”

“Stop saying that. It runs right through me when you do. It’s your past Teagan. Keep it low in your heart if you need to, but consider letting it rest, because you can’t undo it and you both deserve peace. But if you’re not ready for that, okay.”

My eyes darted over his face, green and scarred, covered with a scrap of red fabric, with eyes as bright as the sun shining on a newly unfolded leaf. “You don’t hate me?”

“For God’s sakes no,” he rolled his eyes, “you’re family.”

My heart slammed against my chest as I leaned forward and he wrapped his arms around me, then to my delight I realized I didn’t flinch, instead I reached for him, and held on, for he knew my every crime and he forgave me, even if I didn’t forgive myself.

 

 


	28. Chapter 28

**Teagan**

**Thursday**

We arrived at the farm house in the nick of time. A summer storm was brewing and we’d already driven through it three times. Judging from the looming gray clouds and the humidity hanging in the air, it would be here soon.

Michelangelo was on Raph’s last nerve and had already been swatted countless times. Something was going on between Leo and Karai and I hoped they’d work through it and soon. The two of them being in a mood did nothing for the cranky and cramped brothers. I’d have to ask her later what it was about.

Donnie and April seemed to be doing well and from his sweet smiles and her blushing, I thought the summer looked bright for them.

As Leo cut the engine and helped Master Splinter out, the group poured out of the Shellraiser. Everyone grabbed their bags and headed for the house.

I hung back, partly because my bags where at the bottom of the pile, and partly because I just wanted to walk around and reminisce, grateful to be back. So I left my bags, and sauntered through the tall grass, past the barn, making my way to the back of it, where I leaned against the faded black wood and slid my back down, until I came to sit in the field grass, staring through the blades of it, smelling the oncoming rain before it hit. The cicadas and tree frogs sang their songs at a deafening decibel, and I took slow deep breaths, and waited. Thunder rolled, the clouds coasted over, and the darkness seemed to cascade the sky, like a shade being pulled down to block out the light. As the first huge drops splattered my face, I tipped my head back and smiled. I was home.

When the sky couldn’t hold it in any longer the drops came faster, until they poured, warm summer rain, and, it, felt, so, good. I stood up, threw back my head, opened my arms and felt my hand brush something soft.

And there he was. All beautiful eyes, charming smile, green, and freckled, muscled, and wearing that ridiculous orange hoodie. I thought he must be a dream. But as his hand touched my cheek and I grabbed a fistful of the drenched bright orange material, his wet lips pressed against mine and it was like I’d never left, like no time had passed, the only thing that had changed between us was the passion, and it had grown, he moaned into my mouth and my heart skipped beats.

When I pulled him to me, my foot slipped in the puddle of water pooling around my feet. I fell back into the barn and his hands were there holding me up, putting the most perfectly balanced pressure against me, our lips were intertwined like we were starving for each other, and I knew, he was mine. For this summer at least. And at the thought of ever having to let him go, I held him tighter and he kissed my cheeks, his lips brushed my ear, then through a clap of thunder and the deafening croak of tree frogs he whispered, “I’ve missed you Teagan.”

Lightning flashed, and his eyes burned like blue flames in the flicker of it, I slid my hands up behind his head and untied his mask.  He took it from me, shoved it in his pocket and grinned, “You trying to get me naked Tea?”

I laughed and he smiled as he lowered his bare face to mine. We nuzzled one another, pressing our foreheads together, breathing each other in, and I pressed my lips firmly against his, savoring that familiar orange taste of him. The wood pressed into my back and his plastron was hard against my chest, despite the soaked orange fabric that clung to it. Then I thought of last year when we’d stood in the rain and he’d told me he’d wait for me. There was a jolt throughout me, a little whine left my lips and he pulled back, his eyes flashing with worry, “You okay?”

“Yes, I’m happy Mikey, I’m just very, very, happy, to be here in our favorite place, with you.”

His eyes seemed to have been sprinkled with glitter and his smile only lit them up more. His gaze fell to my mouth and his sweet lips brushed mine again.

“MIKEY!” I could hear Raphael bellowing over the thunder, the pouring rain, and tree frogs.

Our foreheads met again and we both let out a soft laugh.

He kissed me again, his eyes closed, then he gave me a tight squeeze before he let me go.

“MIKEY!” Raph bellowed again.

“We should go Mikey, I think Sensei is going to let us bunk together again, but not if we get caught making out.”

I grabbed his hand and tugged him along, a silly grin on his face, right up until we stood in the kitchen, dripping wet.

“Where the heck were you?” Raphael snapped. “And where’s your mask?”

April brought us some towels and Mikey stripped himself of his human clothing. He fished around in the pocket of his hoodie, “It’s here, it started to slip in my eyes when it got wet.”

Raph smacked him over the back of the head, “Then don’t get wet. Dork.”

Donnie appeared in the kitchen doorway and spoke in a hushed tone, “Do either of you know what happened to the bed in the attic?”

Raphael eyed the two of us, but said nothing.

Mikey fidgeted with his bandana, “The metal parts are in the closet. Can you fix it?”

Donnie blinked and looked at us, “What happened to it?”

Mikey grinned, “Wild monkey-”

“Michelangelo!” I cut him off, covered his mouth with my hand and explained. “He jumped on the bed, getting back at me for jumping on his, and it broke.”

“Yes, I’ll go look at it.” Donnie sighed.

Raph rolled his eyes and walked off toward the living room.

“Mikey, are you cooking dinner?” A solemn faced Leo passed Raph in the doorway and stood playing with his fingers before us.

Mikey studied his brother, “You okay Leo?”

“Yeah, I mean, of course, why wouldn’t I be?” The blue clad brother shrugged and glanced toward the dining room where Karai and April were having an intense discussion.

Karai looked at me, Leo quickly looked away, and she waved me over, “Come here Tea.”

Mikey and I exchanged a quick parting glance and I couldn’t wait for us to be alone again.

 

 

 


	29. Chapter 29

**Teagan**

The three of us, girls, had piled onto one of the two double beds in the room Karai and April were sharing. April was painting her toenails with bright yellow polish and I thought the girl was going to resemble a school bus soon if she didn’t change up her color scheme.

Karai sat on her bed flipping through a catalog, with a pen in her hand.

“What’re you looking at Karai?” April asked, glancing over her shoulder at our dark haired friend, before returning her attention to her toes.

“Weapons catalog, one of Raph’s old ones,” she didn’t look up, and dropped her pen to the paper and circled something. “Oh, you should see this katana.” She hummed over it, and I thought she sounded like she was just shy of lusting for it.

“Hmm, I want to see that when you’re done,” I told her, and rolled onto my back to stare at the cracks in the plaster on the ceiling.

“Me too,” April said.

“So what was all the hushed conversation about in the dining room, between you and April, Karai? The one that had to be brought up here, away from prying turtle ears?” I had taken a shower and my hair was still wet, I was vaguely aware that there was a little damp spot on the blanket beneath it, and April elbowed me.

“You’re hair is dripping on my comforter, sit up already. And please, explain whatever it is going on between you and Mikey.” She tightened the lid on the nail polish and looked at me with a straight, serious face, her big blue eyes demanding an answer.

“What’s going on with you and Donnie?” I replied, mimicking the intensity of her expression.

She rolled her eyes, “That’s between me and Donnie.”

“Well there’s your answer about me and Mikey.”

Karai sat up and waved a hand at both of us, “That’s nothing, Leo and I slept together.”

“WHAT?” April and I yelped.

“Well, we did. And now everything’s just, I don’t know. He keeps trying to tell me he loves me and I keep stopping him. I can’t hear that. It would mean, there’s an _us,_ and I just don’t know if I can do the relationship thing.”

“WHAT?” April and I said again.

“Karai, sleeping with Leo, _to Leo_ , means there is a relationship. Honey, you are in a relationship.” I grabbed one of April’s pillows and lay on my stomach, resting my chin on it.

Karai shook her head, “No, no, no. I told him, I couldn’t. It was one night. It just got out of control. It was a big mistake and it can never happen again.”

“Well good luck working that mess out.” April sighed, “Why didn’t you just carve his heart out with a spoon?”

“April.” Karai glared at her.

“Look there’s a reason Donnie and I move at a snail’s pace. I love him, I’m crazy about him, I wouldn’t have put distance between me and Casey if I didn’t. And the truth is, if something went wrong I don’t know if I could be without him, or any of them. They’re my second family. You girl’s, are my family. I don’t want to mess that up. And he knows that. So we don’t rush. And we’re fine. Tread lightly girls, those are four very huge, tender hearts out there.” April tugged the pillow out from under me and swatted me with it, “I know you and Mikey were making out behind the barn today.”

I laughed, grabbed another pillow and whacked her back, “How do you know that?”

“You were both blushing when you came in the back door, and he was too eager to go looking for you when you went missing.” She smiled, “Just be careful, okay? I think he’s good for you, and if you trust him Teagan, really let him in, you’ll be good for him too.”

XXX

Donnie had fixed Mikey’s bed with little effort and when he left we pushed them together and I had lay in Mikey’s arms just tracing every curve of every muscle on them, then I pulled his hand to my mouth and kissed his calloused palm. I leaned against his plastron, his old worn shirt that I was wearing, was all that came between us and he stroked my hair, breathing softly on my neck.

“You smell like strawberries,” he whispered and his lips brushed my skin, just behind my ear, and it tickled. A little shiver ran through me and I pressed my back closer to him and ran my foot down his rock hard calf.

I rolled to face him and pressed my mouth to his, “and you taste like oranges.”

“Hmm,” he grinned, “We’re fruity.”

“No, you’re a fruit loop,” I laughed and he kissed me.

The rain outside pelted the window and as the thunder rolled and lighting flashed, lighting up the room, I thought my demons might be chasing me, throwing themselves at the windowpanes, but as I looked in Mikey’s angelic blue eyes I knew they could keep knocking, because for this summer, I wasn’t letting them in.

XXX

Early morning light pushed its way in through the sheer curtains hanging down over the window, and it warmed my skin while it cast a soft glow over Mikey’s green flesh. He slept with a little smile on his face, and I gently lifted his arm, rolled away from him and felt that little thrill run through me. I stood up and started to bounce, and almost instantly the little curve of his mouth spread into a full on smile. His cheerful blue eyes opened as I bounced again, “Oh, Tea, you are so starting something, first thing in the morning.”

He slipped his leg between mine, brought his other one alongside it and with a slight twist of his hips he had me falling right into his arms, he rolled over top of me and my body bore none of his weight, while I could still feel him against me, and he grinned, his eyes gleaming, “You sure you wanna start something, cause you already know, I’m gonna win.”

As I lay there looking up at him, a great wave built inside me, and when I went to move my arms, I was free to do so, and I reached for his adorable face and pulled him close, “Your damn right I want to start something,” then I slipped my leg between his, mimicked his movement, shifted my weight and he let me roll him, only he fell off the bed, and onto the floor, taking me with him, landing on his shell with a thud. I lifted my chin from his shoulder, laughing hysterically, and between gasps for breath I managed, “but I don’t know about you winning.”

“HEY! What’s going on in there? You better have not broke that bed again!” Raph yelled and pounded on the wall from the room adjacent.

At that, we were laughing, then our eyes met, and our lips followed.

“Mikey!” Raph pounded on the door, “Are you making breakfast? Turtles are starving around here!”

Michelangelo turned his head to answer his brother, but I stroked the flesh near his bridge and his eyes widened and he giggled and squirmed, “Hey!”

Then with Raph still pounding on the door, while I tickled Mikey, he tickled me back, and there I was trying to crawl away while laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, and him showing me no mercy.

Raphael, against his better judgment, flung open the door, looked at the two of us, laughing like a couple of kids on the floor, rolled his eyes and shut it again.

“Huh,” Mikey’s fingers stopped moving and he stared at the door, “Maybe we should lock that from now on.”

I tackled him, smothering his cheeks in kisses that soon had our mouths meeting again. My stomach was sore from laughing so hard, my heart was full, and I was happy.

  **  
**

 

 

 


	30. Chapter 30

**Gone, Gone, Gone,**

I surrender honestly.

You’ve always done the same for me.

~Phillip Phillips~

**One Week Before the End of Summer Break**

**The Hamptons House**

**Teagan**

We lay sprawled out on a huge blanket in the tall grass in the meadow behind the farmhouse. And I gazed up into the vast blue sky drinking in the white stretch of clouds that had rough edges like someone had made them with a careless swipe of a paintbrush. The sun was behind us but warmed my skin till it was almost uncomfortable. I sighed as I scrunched my toes against the soft cotton quilt and the shadow of a mask-less Michelangelo appeared over me. I loved how his bare face looked, and even more that he’d let me take his mask off in the first place. Of course I’d given up my shirt in the exchange but I did have my bikini top under it.

“Hey there You,” he smiled and I thought it a beautiful sight, to look into his sweet baby blues.

The sun did favors for Michelangelo, he basked in its rays the way turtles should, and it tugged at my heart the way the corners of his mouth would quirk up into a satisfied little smile, and his eyes would close like he was drunk on the light. I’d enjoyed watching him lie that way for most of the afternoon. But right now he was gazing down at me lovingly, and despite what he was, and everything that had happened before I knew him, I felt that what lingering questions lurked in my heart, he could answer, and they would be the right answers, for the right reasons.

His lips brushed against mine with a softness that didn’t fit who he was, or the wild and playful way he usually conducted himself, and I knew that tenderness was reserved for me. As he stroked my hair and lightly squeezed my shoulder I knew that was all he would take for himself until I told him different. “Mikey?”

“Hmm?” He waffled as he kissed my cheek and his face made its way to the crook of my neck where he rubbed affectionately, another tidbit, that was actually a rather big deal to him, was him nuzzling me, marking me with his scent. I thought it a little odd at first but after hearing him churr, like he was doing now, for the first time, I fell in love with it.

“Mikey?”

He jerked back suddenly, his eyes searching mine, “Are you okay? Am I leaning on you too much?”

“No, it’s not that.”

He sat up and I propped myself up on my elbows still leaning back. His brow furrowed, “Is somethin’ wrong?”

“I’m going back to school next week.”

His mouth bowed and it sent a hurt someplace deep in my stomach, “It’s alright we’ll write and stuff like we did last time.”

“Yes, but I want something before I go.”

A late summer breeze blew over us and I heard the trees lining the meadow whispering promises of Autumn just around the corner. I would have to leave him soon. And I knew I’d made up my mind.

“You actually want something?”

I laughed at his shocked expression and realized his surprise was justified. I’d never asked him for anything, and I’d never had to. He was everything I needed. “I want you.”

He laughed and waved a hand at me, “You’ve already got me Tea-” then his words ceased as realization seemed to cascade over him like the beam of light he sat in. He searched my eyes and I hoped they conveyed to him how fully I’d committed to this. “Are you? You’re serious.”

“I am, I want to feel you against me, within me, all of you. I only wish-” I only wished he was my first, because I would be his, but he wouldn’t let me say that.

“Don’t be sorry Tea. If you want to be with me, you have to be here with me, not looking back there.” I’d never told him of my past. I’d checked it at the door when we arrived at the Hamptons house, like an unneeded winter coat. And he never pressed, poked, prodded or asked. Because while he was sensitive to my needs, alert for any sign of hesitation, what was behind me, I _knew_ that in _his_ mind, was in fact, just that, behind me. He wrapped his hands around mine and pulled me to sit upright, “You really want to do this?”

“I want you Michelangelo, and if I’ve got to be away from you for the next ten months I want this to remember. I don’t want to go home wishing I’d told you and that we had. For the first time in my life I actually want to have sex, like I really want you, so bad sometimes it hurts.”

He couldn’t help the grin on his face and I rolled my eyes. He only smiled, then leaned forward and pressed his mouth against mine and my lips parted to invite him in. I was delighted when he chose to play.

I moaned into his mouth while scooting myself closer so that I was tentatively pressing my shirtless body against him, and I felt the roughness of hard keratin against my skin. He broke our kiss and peered into me so deep I was sure he’d found the answers he was looking for. “Okay. But we’ll go slow and if anything hurts or makes you uncomfortable you tell me. I don’t care when, you say the word and everything stops. Everything,” his words were like rules he was laying down and he meant every one and I loved him for it.

“Okay,” I nodded, smiling as I reached up behind my back and unclasped my bikini top to let it fall away.

His cheeks flushed a greenish purple as his eyes darted down to my bare breast and back up to my face. “Whoa Tea, I wasn’t ready!”

I laughed, “Oh I’ll just put it back on then.”

“No!” He blushed again, “I mean, I’m good now.” His eyes drifted down to my breasts again, “Really good.”

“Lie here next to me and let’s just explore a little.” We curled up facing each other and I reached for his hand. “You can touch me wherever you want Mikey.”

He kissed me again and our bodies gravitated together and I felt how hard his plastron was, yet I was comforted by the natural armor of his body, not frightened by it. I leaned back and brought my fingers to linger over his cheek, “Can I touch you?”

“Yes,” he affirmed in a soft tone that made my insides heat. I pressed my fingers against his lightly pebbled flesh, taking care to note how smooth the small raises of his scales were, and how his skin seemed to absorb the sun’s rays as if embracing them. My tips traced his scars and the scuffs on his plastron, slipping over every groove and knick and dent, and my lips followed suit. I knew he couldn’t feel the warmth or softness from them in those places, but he could feel the pressure. It was when I slid my fingers along the soft skin between his bridge and carapace that he drew in a breath and my eyes shot to his face.

“It tickles…,” his eyes narrowed and he grinned, “and other things.” I stroked him again and he squirmed a bit before finally announcing, “You’re turn!” Then he bolted upright with heated eyes that looked as if they contained something desperate to be released. I only hoped, for our first time, at least, that he could control it.

I lie back resting my head on my arm and watched as he carefully ran his thick fingers near my breast, before I sighed and took his hand in mine and placed the cup of his palm over one. “Just don’t tweak my nipples, I don’t like it.” My gaze fell on his eyes, which were glued on his hands, resting over my breasts, and he squeezed them gently then looked to me for approval. “It’s okay, I don’t expect this to be any kind of glamorous thing, I just want it to be you. Nothing else matters.”

He released my breast and shifted so he was above me but I did not bear any of his weight and I marveled at the strength he possessed. His arms didn’t even tremble as he hovered over me and lowered his mouth to mine, kissed me softly and then tilted his head as he looked me over. “Are you scared? Even a little?” he asked his voice soft and tender, hanging on my reply.

“No, I trust you.” I replied before seeking him for another imploring search of his mouth. He moaned softly into me and I felt a rush of heat between my legs. With a little more courage he lowered himself against me more, “Is this too much?”

I felt the muscle of his thighs against my legs and the bulge of his tail. When I tried to move I was both relieved and surprised to find that I could, because he seemed to lift to permit it wherever I tested and he looked in my eyes while I checked my shoulders, and hips, and knees, and feet.

“You okay?” his eyes conveyed his concern and I felt compelled to comfort him, noting what a far cry this was from any experience I’d ever had.

“Yes Mikey, I’m good.”

He nodded and lowered a hand between our bodies to stroke the inside of my thigh and the sensation sent my core twitching, eager to be filled. Sometimes I really had wanted him so bad it hurt, thankfully now was one of those times, and this time, I knew I’d eventually get him. “I want to take these off. That okay?” he tugged lightly on the hem of my shorts, his eyes searching me for any sign of hesitation.

“Yes, would you like help?” I asked watching as he reached for the button of my shorts.

“No, I’ve got it, thanks.” And seconds later he did have it, my shorts in one hand and my panties in another.

I adored the closed eyed grin on his face as he proudly announced, “Ninja.”

I giggled, “My ninja.”

His bare face seemed so beautiful in the light, his eyes smoldering with desires he was sure to show me, and a smile that made my heart sputter. He lowered himself flush against me and I let my legs fall open beneath him. Again he checked the pressure of his body against mine but before he could ask I reached up and pulled him to me, kissing him with every ounce of the passion that had built over two summers, beginning with him catching me when I fell off April’s roof, taking a bullet for me, being there for me, making me laugh, freeing me, guiding me into his light, he’d become my closest friend, and now as I felt the tip of him pressing against my opening and I lifted my hips to draw him in, we had one bond well deserved and deeply and wholly desired.

And it wasn’t graceful, but it wasn’t terribly awkward, but it was a connection, we were one, and I pressed my flesh against his in an effort to mold myself to him, our mouths crashing, tongues sweeping and darting, searching and intertwining. He filled me so wide and deep I wondered that he actually fit, but he never hurt me, and I raised my heels to the ridges of his carapace and tried to pull him closer. His eyes opened as he drew back and thrust deeper, and when our eyes met I realized that even as he moved within me he was with me, his every awareness, every sense finely attuned… to me. And I felt safe, and whole, and loved, and as his thrusts quickened I felt a few brushes against my sensitive nub that I’d never felt before and I shivered as my hands flew up to grasp his arms.

The sudden movement brought him to a screeching halt, and he moved to withdraw but I lifted my hips to keep him inside me. The confusion on his face was as endearing as his alarm and I wanted to hold him against me and never let him go.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine Mikey, it felt good,” I shifted my hips as he slowly lowered himself against me, “You feel very,” my eyes filled, “very good. Watch my face, if I flinch that is bad, gripping your arms, clenching my hands and holding onto you, those are good things. Relax, I trust you, trust yourself.”

His eyes gleamed as he kissed me and pushed his hips closer sending himself so deep I felt the edge of his plastron against my sex and suddenly he let go a little, picking up a rhythm that had me reaching over my head to grasp the quilt, drawing it into my fists as I bucked my hips against him and felt a tingle shoot throughout me, and then again only stronger, I was so close when he gave a little grunt and stiffened before I felt him spilling out inside me, and I shifted my hips desperate to feel that thrill once more, and he pressed himself closer to me as he wrapped his lips around mine and held me in his arms like the most precious thing he’d ever encountered.

He rolled to his side taking me with him, still tied to me as he looked me over, “You are so beautiful Tea,” his voice was hoarse, and his eyes a warm blue that reminded me of the deepest waters of the ocean and I wanted desperately to swim in them and never leave. “I’m honored that you trust me, I just-” his voice dropped and he kissed me fervently before he could finish, “I want you to know that.”

“I do. That’s why I gave myself to you.”

**  
**

 


	31. Chapter 31

**Karai**

The summer was almost over. I’d successfully avoided him for almost three months. Well that’s not true, when I wasn’t running on the trail, like I was right now, I trained, with Raphael, or I hung out with April and Teagan, or I went for hours long hikes in the woods. And at first he tracked me. But we never spoke, I knew he was there, and he knew, that I knew he was there, but I ignored him. And gradually, he stopped, and when he did, a horrible pain started to build up right in the middle of my chest and the tension of us in any room together would sometimes bring it to a dead silence.

Fortunately after many casual offers to talk about it, they all knew better, and left us alone.

We were supposed to be packing to go home. But I was already done. I had time for this run. I needed to clear my head, if I was going to be stuck in the Shellraiser with him and the rest of my family for the next four hours.

_“I love you Karai.”_

My stomach turned, and my side started to cramp. I stopped, panting alongside the river, and knew, I’d lost track of time, because it was a solid hours hike from the house. I stared at the water rushing like small rapids down over giant stones. “Why can’t I be water?” I picked up a rock and threw it. “Why can’t I learn to let go and just flow with it? Why am I so fucked up? Why?” I threw another rock and then another, then sank to my knees grabbing fistfuls of earth and squeezing it hard, feeling the satisfaction of the mud giving way beneath my fingers. A great well built up inside me and I threw back my head, sobbing, “Why can’t I let myself love him?”

My voice echoed off the valley and bounced back to me, hitting me as hard as every rock I’d thrown, and hurting worse than the tip of any blade that had ever broke my flesh.

I rolled back onto my butt and sat, my chest feeling wet and ragged inside, and watched the water flowing by, knowing I’d fucked up the one good thing in my life.

**XXX**

It was almost dark by the time I was halfway through my walk back to the house, and as I got closer I started to hear different members of my family calling my name. A day in the woods had been its own form of therapy, the crunch of old leaves beneath my feet, the sound of water rushing free, the whistle of the Whippoorwill. I didn’t have my phone on me. No one could reach me. And I needed the time, truly alone, with myself.

“Karai!”

And of course the one closest to me, would be Leo.

Taking a deep breath I replied, “I’m over here.”

Two seconds later he was in my line of sight, flipped out his phone and sent out a text. And instantly the woods grew silent, save for the chirp of crickets, the rattle of cicadas and the belching of frogs. As he closed in on me I saw his mouth was drawn into a hard line and his eyes were a chilling blue, his mask bunched between his eyes. He marched up to me, snatched me by the arm and backed me into the nearest tree.

“You and I are going to have a little talk, right now.” He leaned over me, one hand pressing against the tree above me head and the smell of steel hit my nostrils and the close proximity of him sent my heart racing.

I closed my eyes and tried to summon my resolve, but I had little to grab onto, because he’d done nothing wrong. It was me. And I knew it. “There’s nothing to talk about Leo.”

“The hell there isn’t Karai,” he smacked the tree, “you said,” he clutched the bark and lowered his voice to a growl, “you said, you wanted me.” He held his breath, something he rarely did, and my eyes flew up to his face and his blue eyes welled, “and, I’m in love with you.”

Something hot filled my eyes and my chest felt wet and hollow inside, except for the horrible pain centered around my heart. But I made myself look him in the eye, I had to or he wouldn’t really believe what I had to say. And my stomach turned, because while I was at the river, watching the water rushing away, I knew that very soon, I was going away too. “You shouldn’t love me Leo.” The words hurt to say, almost as horribly as the crumble of his face hurt to see.

He wouldn’t give up yet though, and he pressed his lips together and shook his head, “After everything we’ve been through together and the way you make me feel-”

With my heart pounding and a sick turn of my stomach, I stroked his cheek and cried, “Stop, you have to stop. I can’t love you Leo, because I don’t know what love is. I don’t understand it. I’m not capable of it… I can’t be fixed. I’m broken.”

His lips hovered so close to mine I could feel his breath on them, “You already love me Karai, but I’m not going to wait around forever for you to figure that out.”

And there it was. He put it out there. And like the fool I am, knowing he was the only for me, and yet incapable of letting him in, I let him go. “Then you should move on.”

 

**  
**

 


	32. Chapter 32

**Karai**

The only thing worse than not being able to let someone in, was knowing you needed them, while having to live with them, missing them while they were right there, and growing to hate yourself even more than you already did because you couldn’t bring yourself to look at them.

That had been my life since we’d gotten home from the farm. And it was slowly wearing us both thin. Then he started going out, by himself, after patrol. And much to my heartbreak and Splinter’s panic, he brought a girl home.

Trapped at the dinner table and forced to endure it, he introduced her.

“This is Chloe.”

She was blonde and blue-eyed, with perfect skin and long nails, and she smelled like the perfume counter, I worked so hard to avoid, at the mall. But he mooned over her, bringing her a drink, clearing her plate, and I looked at her pink lips as she talked, like a bubbly cheerleader. He’d brought home, the very type of person I loathed most, designer clothes and all.

She was normal.

Balanced.

Sane.

Perfection.

And I had lost him.

And I had to leave.

So there I was stuffing my bag, checking it for the last time, making sure my Passport was ready, and that I had my plane ticket and I glanced at the clock, told myself for the hundredth time that I’d call when I got there, knew I was up before everyone and hated goodbyes, and I left.

**Teagan**

**TO:** Pizzaking

 **From:** Redhotmess

Hi Mikey,

I’ve been home two weeks now. I’m sorry I didn’t write sooner. I’ve missed you. I’ve just, been busy with school. And some other things. I got an after school job. It’s retail. They keep me pretty late, so by the time I finish my school day, work day and homework, well I’m beat.

How’s my hero doing? You stop any notable villains lately? Raph mentioned human trafficking had fallen on your radar lately. I know you guys will get them. Just be careful with my favorite turtle okay?

How are Leo and Karai? Any progress on the romance front yet? What about April and Donnie? Neither of them will say anything in an email. “It’s too risky, anyone could read it.” Can’t you just hear Karai now?

Sorry there’s not much excitement on my end. But I’ll try to write more often.

I miss you,

Teagan

 

 **To:** Redhotmess

 **From:** Pizzaking

Dear Teagan,

I know you’ll do great at your job, school, and that you can handle whatever the other things are. And if you ever want to talk about those things, I’m here. But you already know that, right?

Glad to know I’m your hero. Not sure the guy’s were thrilled to hear it, since I ran around the lair with a cape tied to my neck, striking some awesome superhero poses. When I tried to fly (jumped on the kitchen table in the middle of dinner) it was great! I beat the purple, blue and red clad villains with plates of spaghetti. They were easily conquered. Their rat master, however, sent me to the ha-shi for three hours, and that was after I had to clean the kitchen. *Standing up in rolling chair now, sliding from one side of the lab to the other* I got this though, we will win!

Nah, Raph’s right, human trafficking has been front page for the past week. So we’re looking into it.

Karai just left for Japan. Leo said something to her and things got even more awkward between them. And, he brought a girl home. Then, she left. She calls me about once a week. I’m surprised you haven’t heard from her. Or is that some kinda chick code, of secrecy? April and Donnie seem to still be testing the waters though.

I was thinking about us. And I really want to be with you with you come home. I want there to be a real us Tea. I don’t really do friends with benefits. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sorry we were together, I’m not, but I want there to be more. With you. So uh, yeah. I just put that out there.

Can’t wait for summer, when this time you come home to stay.

Love,

Mikey

 

 **TO:** Pizzaking

 **From:** Redhotmess

Dear Michelangelo,

Some things have, come up, here. Don’t worry. I can deal. It’s just, you may not hear from me for a while. I talk to Karai and April over the phone, so yeah, I know April has her apartment and Karai’s in Japan. And really, has Leo lost his mind?

I wish we could just go back to last summer and stay there forever. Everything was, just, perfect.

But things never stay the same, nothing stands still…

Mikey, I want you to know some things. First, I wouldn’t trade the time we spent together for anything, I wouldn’t take it back, and I will hold those memories close to my heart always. But I’ve also given it a lot of thought. You and me, that is. And you are my best friend, don’t get me wrong Raph’s up there too, but there’s no one like you Michelangelo. And I adore you too much to risk our friendship on a relationship that might not work out. You’ve healed me in so many way’s Mikey. And you’ve put too much on the line for me, if we went down that path and it didn’t work out, I can’t imagine my life without you. But if we just stay friends, well, then we’ll always be friends. I don’t see anything ruining that.

Please tell me it’s not too late to save our friendship Mikey. I’ll be more careful from now on that we don’t cross that line ever again. Your too precious to me, I simply can’t risk losing you. Please understand.

Yours Always, Teagan

 

 **To:** Redhotmess

 **From:** Pizzaking

Dear Teagan,

Of course, we’ll always be friends Tea. I don’t want to lose you either. I can’t write much, Donnie’s got a lead on the traffickers and Leo’s planning a mission. But I want you to know, I’ll always be here for you. And if you ever change your mind, just know this, even if we had a relationship and it ended badly, we could still be friends. I love you that much. Trust me. I promise.

Love,

Your Mikey

 

 


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: UPSETTINGINGLY VIOLENT CHAPTER. TRIGGER WARNING.**

**Teagan**

The navy steering column of the nineteen-ninety-two Chevy Cavalier was old, and cracked, and I squeezed my grip on it so tight my knuckles were white and my hands tingled. I stared at the company logo at its center, allowing it to blur out of focus as I tried to wrap my mind around my situation, and attempt to come up with a plan as to how I was going to deal with it.

I’d known early on that I was pregnant. The nausea was my first clue. The fact that I couldn’t bring myself to write to Michelangelo anymore, was my second. But knowing, my circumstances, didn’t stop me from taking a new test every week for the past four months, right up to when I started to show and felt the little one move for the first time. Talk about a new level of denial. My Mother washed her hands of me, my sister told me she was through, and I was on my own, and I was just finishing my second weekend, double shift of work, knowing I needed a plan. I glanced at the pillows and blankets in my backseat. I couldn’t keep living out of my car.

The rumors were flying around school. Big deal, I’m not the first teenager to get pregnant. I pressed my head against the steering wheel, but I _was_ the first one carrying the offspring of a mutant turtle. One who’d already almost died because of me. One who was my best friend, who was responsible for healing a great deal of me, and who I was madly in love with. No one was taking this baby from me, even though I knew it only solidified the fact that I could not keep a relationship with its father.

There was a pounding on the window of my car and my heart raced. As I looked up, terror rolled through my body, causing me to tremble uncontrollably as I saw a group of Leith’s gang members, and my terrifyingly wild eyed ex-boyfriend, Kaleb, with them. Then the heavily pierced one, who knocked to get my attention, flashed me a toothless grin, and smashed my window with a crowbar. I covered my face and screamed as glass shattered, raining down over my head.

“No, Kaleb, please no!” I begged, as his lackey’s brass-knuckled fist landed in the side of my head, then he opened his hand to snatch up my hair and smashed my face into my steering wheel.

As I slumped forward, my world a swirling mess of blood, tears and pleas, someone threw open my car door and drug me out into the street. I curled in a ball to protect my baby and rolled to face the underside of the car, taking most of the blows to my back and legs.

There were five of them kicking and stepping on me and I wondered how I would survive, let alone my unborn child. I curled up more, “Please stop, please, I’ll do anything you want, please!” But I found my voice fading and the sound of my pulse rushing through my ears growing.

Spit landed on the side of my face and my head was yanked up from the glass covered asphalt and Kaleb’s lips pressed against my ear, “He told me, The Messenger, he shot that thing you were with. If that thing is growing inside you it’s as good as dead now. I wash my hands of you, your filthy, tainted, disgusting,” he kicked me in my ribcage and my chest deflated as tears slipped down my cheeks, “and you should die too.”

Steel crashed against my skull and I fell into the abyss.

**April**

I’d always loved going to the lair at Christmas. Donnie would linger under the mistletoe and I’d pretend not to notice, then I’d peck him on the cheek when he least expected it. Mikey would try to peek in the stocking’s that hung on the weapons wall of the dojo. Leo and Raph would tumble about the room draping Christmas lights on the tree in the center. And Karai would stand close to Splinter, soaking it in, while he watched over them all. It melted my heart, being a part of this family.

But today as I stood in the dojo doorway, my stomach was in a knot and my eyes ached from the tears I’d shed. And as I stepped inside, Donnie took one look at me and rushed to my side. I wrapped my arms around him and let go of the ocean of tears I’d been holding in since I left my Dad’s.

“What is it April?’ Donnie looked down at me, lines of worry wrinkling his lavender masked brow.

“It’s Teagan,” I sniffed and wiped my eyes.

“Oh, did you finally hear from her?” Leo asked as he and the rest of the Hamato family gathered around.

“Is she okay?” Raph asked.

“Why’d she stop writing?” Mikey stepped around Raph and Leo, and lingered close to Donnie and myself.

“What’s happened April?” Master Splinter stood alongside Michelangelo, and Donnie released me from our embrace.

I took a deep shuddering breath. “She’s been in the hospital for the past two weeks, and just gained consciousness. She was attacked in the parking lot of the retail store she works at. Apparently, she’d been living out of her car. When she woke up she asked for me.” I looked at Mikey then Raph, “she wanted me to let you guys know she was sorry she hadn’t been writing and not to worry about her.”

“It was him, wasn’t it? I’ll kill him,” Raph hissed, his hands balled into fists at his sides.

“Raphael, there is little we can do for Teagan, here in New York.” Master Splinter shook his head sadly then looked at me, “This is most distressing news. I wish we could help her.”

“We can Sensei, send me. I’ll kill him.” Raphael smacked his fist into his hand, “Please let me kill him.”

“No, Raphael. We cannot risk exposure. We must stay here.” Master Splinter raised a hand to still Raph then turned his attention back to me. “We will send Teagan our well wishes and be here for her when she returns.”

“Thank you Master Splinter, I will tell her when I get there tomorrow.”

“You’re leaving, but it’s just two days before Christmas!” Donnie blinked in surprise, then palmed himself in the face, “Of course, you’re going to be with her. I understand, I’m so sorry April. I must sound like a real jerk.”

My heart wrenched, I wanted to be with them for the holiday, but my cousin needed me. Her family had washed their hands of her when they found out her other news. And _that_ news I’d been asked not to share, but she wanted them to know everything else. My stomach turned, when she’d finally told me her story, my heart hurt for how long she’d carried these secrets by herself. I cleared my throat, “You guys, there’s some things I need to tell you about Teagan. She wanted to eventually tell you all herself but so much has happened…” I rubbed my face, “She told me it’s okay to tell you. But,” I look at Raphael, “Raph, you already know what I’m going to say.”

Raph straightened, “Are you sure?”

I held up a hand to quiet him, “Teagan’s tired of keeping her past a secret,” I looked at Michelangelo, “Someone told her that while her past may be dark, there can still be light in her future.” I looked over each of my friends, “With her parents discarding her the way they have, I don’t think she feels like she has anything else to lose. So she’s ready for you to know and she’s prepared to accept it if you don’t want anything to do with her anymore after...”

“But why would her past-”

I interrupted Leo. “It’s complicated Leo. You guys should sit down, this is a long story.”

 

 


	34. Chapter 34

**Karai**

Gin was a very old friend; it was kind of him to keep me. He was rich, handsome, and human. He came with no strings attached, and didn't care when I brought man after man home, night after night. I'd do anything so I wouldn't have to feel, and I'd drink so I didn't have to think. But right now he was fucking me hard, and the alcohol that blurred the focus of my thoughts did little to help, because he was nowhere near done, and I was both bored, and nowhere near an orgasm… so I was through.

"Stop, Gin," I pushed my palms into his smooth bare pectorals, and he laughed and slammed into me again.

"Really Karai?" he licked my torso, drew a hard suck on my nipple and kissed my mouth, then started pumping into me again, "you don't mean that."

I pushed my heels into the bed and my hands into his chest again, "No, really Gin, I'm through. I'm spent." I tried to shift my hips and roll away from him.

His dark eyes flashed, "Fuck you then!" And he pulled out and stormed off to the bathroom.

Jerking off, no doubt, I thought, sliding from his bed and making my way down the hall to my own room. I looked at the phone on my bedside and felt the familiar pang of being homesick.

I was long through with trying to cope with my past. I'd grown weary of it; I still had nightmares, waking up clinging to my sheets, crying and wanting Leo. Only to realize we were on opposite sides of the world, and he was with Chloe, and I put so much distance between us, physically and emotionally that I was sure I'd never find my way back.

Then it would occur to me that the ache in my heart was me denying my love for him. And I wanted it gone. That feeling. Those thoughts. The damn memories. So I tried to drink him away, like I had with everything else that crept into the darkest spaces of my mind, The Shredder, my mutation, my recovery, mind control, escape, all of it. Now I'd added the one being, who'd tried so hard to save me, to that list. Only alcohol wouldn't work on memories of Leo, and the hurt was so deep it racked my body and I couldn't breathe.

So then I'd find someone to fuck.

Only now, as I slipped Leo's old blue t-shirt down over me, then pulled the breast of it up to my face, and took a deep inhale, smelling faint remnants of sandalwood and steel, I felt the falter in my heart split even wider, I knew, I still loved him.

And I needed to stay away, until that changed.

**April**

"Are you sure about this?" I asked my green friend for the hundredth time, as he drove the Shellraiser. Part of me wondered if he'd ever driven it before, although he seemed to know what he was doing. It was the odd silence that was unnerving me. It wasn't like him to be so quiet, and he hadn't spoken a word beyond telling me his order when we stopped for food, although we stopped for that six times and it had only been an eight hour drive overnight.

It was just before daybreak when he parked in the darkest corner of the hospital garage.

"I'll go get you some breakfast before I go visit her."

He nodded, but didn't look me in the eye and my heart hurt for the frown on his face.

"This is really risky, you can still change your mind, you know." This whole thing terrified me. I hated it when any of them took major chances like this.

He pulled the black hoodie up over his head, "Everything will be fine April. It's Christmas Eve; the hospital will be on a skeleton crew. Just go find out how to get to her room, call me with specific directions and leave the rest up to me."

With one hand on the door handle I took a deep breath, and held an internal argument with myself about whether or not to question his motives for what he was doing. I already knew the answers. He'd do anything for a friend. Anything. I sighed as I squeezed the handle and made my way into the hospital.


	35. Chapter 35

**Gone, Gone, Gone**

When enemies are at your door

I’ll carry you away from war

If you need help, if you need help

Your hope dangling by a string

I’ll share in your suffering

To make you well, to make you well

~Phillip Phillips~

**Teagan**

“Has there been any spotting or anything Miss O’Neil, cramping or the like?”

My doctor was a nosey woman, who annoyed me with her interest in my pregnancy. They’d tried three ultrasound machines and couldn’t get a picture of my baby on any of them. It had them scratching their heads, and me wanting to get the hell out of the hospital before they started wanting to run tests.

“I still don’t understand it. All we can see is your intestines. But I’ve had my hand on your abdomen and felt the fetus’s movements, and the contractions you were having when you first came in. Thankfully we were able to get them to stop, but I’d really like to see how your baby is developing.” The irritating blonde picked up a wand and turned on the monitor intending to attempt, for the fifth time, to ultrasound me.

I held up a bandaged hand, “Please, I’ve already told you I don’t want an ultrasound. Movement is enough for me, and I’m not interested in any testing. Thank you. Really, I’m feeling much better. When can I leave?”

The obstetrician frowned, turned off the monitor and lay down the wand, “Young lady, do you know how lucky you are? With a head injury like yours?”

Thankfully there was a knock on my door and April stuck her head inside. I struggled to sit up, and waved a bandaged arm to motion her in. “Oh, it’s visiting hours, doctor. Look at that, my cousin is here! Well we’ll just pick up this chat later! Okay?”

The doctor scribbled something in my chart, turned on her heel, and her sneakers squeaked on the floor on her way out.

April stood at the foot of my bed, looking me over, with a sick expression on her face.

“I know, it looks bad, but,” I tried to stretch and lift arms and legs, but my right leg was in a cast, my left ankle wrapped, my left arm in a sling and my right arm wrapped, I still had two black eyes and stitches in my hairline where my scalp had split. She couldn’t see the bruises all over my body, were I’d curled into a ball to protect the baby while they’d beat me. “We’re okay, really.”

“Teagan, I thought things were getting better here?”

Her phone vibrated in her hand before I could answer her. She looked at it, swiped her finger over the screen and began giving specific instructions to my room, and confirmed to someone that the hospital was in fact near empty because of the holiday.

When she hung up the phone she offered me a feeble smile, “Someone has come with me to see you.”

My heart sped up and the monitor behind me started to beep. My room door flew open and a nurse rushed in, “I’m sorry Miss but visiting hours are over and Miss O’Neil needs her rest.” The chubby brunette nurse turned off my monitor, ushered April out of the room and turned off my bedroom light, “Get some rest, Honey. We’ll try visitors again later.”

“But- I’m fine and visiting hours are not over!” I protested as the door shut behind them.

I sank back in my pillow and ran my hand over my belly, “It’s just us again, Baby.” My lip trembled as the infant within wiggled about, and I marveled at the miracle it was. “I’m so sorry Little One, for all of this.”

The door to my room opened then, and a hooded figure stepped inside.

Instinctively, I drew my legs up toward my abdomen, ready to curl in a ball, while looking around the room for a weapon of some sort. Then I remembered the butter knife I’d taken off my lunch tray and hid under my pillow. I rubbed my fingers beneath the linen until I found the metal and flipped it toward my palm.

“Easy there Tea, it’s just me,” the hooded figure reached up and moved the black material away from his head, revealing his face. Eyes as blue as the sky, surrounded by the most cheerful orange I’d ever seen, stared back at me and my heart crumbled at the sight of him.

“Mmmikey,” I stammered, then bit my lip, and swallowed the immense wave that rolled through me. I threw the knife away and it clinked and bounced on the floor. I held my wired, bandaged arm out to him, “Oh, God, Michelangelo come here!”

I scrambled, trying to get to him and he rushed to me, gently lowering my arm and guiding me back against the pillow. “Whoa, whoa, stop you’re gonna pull something out, or set somethin’ off.”

With trembling fingers I grabbed his three fingered hand and pulled it to my bruised cheek, and leaned into it, while an irritating blur filled my eyes, “I’m so sorry Mikey, so sorry, I’m so glad you’re here. Please don’t leave, please. God, let me feel you, let me just look at you, I’ve missed you so much!” My heart hurt for the feel of his leathery green skin against my own, and for the strange expression on his face that I’d not seen before, and looked so out of place, and for the babe I was growing, that was his. Even as the words burned at my lips, pleading to be released, I knew I wouldn’t tell him. I couldn’t. He was too precious to put at risk. I closed my eyes and breathed in the familiar scent of pizza and oil and my stomach fluttered.

“Who did this to you Teagan?”

His voice was so unlike him it startled me, and my eyes opened, I had to look at him, just to be sure he was really Michelangelo. The turtle looking back at me was in fact Mikey, but not my cheerful, lighthearted, loveable soul. No there was something fierce in his eyes that brought a shiver to my spine.

“Was it him?” Mikey’s eyes searched my own and the anger in them hurt to look at. “Was it? What happened?”

“He found out I’m pregnant and a small gang, part of his cult, they attacked me.”

It’s coming.

Any minute now.

He stood by my bedside and looked me over, from the top of my head to my battered body and small round belly. From there he looked me in the eye, “Who’s the baby’s Daddy?”

He’s smart Teagan. Tell this one like you mean it, or he’s going to know. Do exactly what you planned.

“I’m not sure. He nabbed me when I got back, and they passed me around.”

Fuck that hurt. Lying to him hurt worse than the damn beating. My guts twisted and churned and my heart was unbearably heavy. But I love you Michelangelo and I won’t let anything happen to you, or this baby. As soon as you go back home I’m out of here and no one will ever find me again.

His blue eyes stared longingly at my bump and he frowned, “I’m sorry Tea. That I wasn’t here to keep you safe.”

A new mess of tears burned my eyes, my heart wrenched, and for a second his kindness felt like he’d picked up the butter knife and was stabbing me with it. “Mikey don’t, please. I’ve accepted everything. It’s over now.” But I really hadn’t. I was just doing what was best for you. I swallowed my regrets and said something true, “What’s important to me is that you are still my friend.”

His eyes drifted up from my belly and widened, “Of course I am Tea. I’m here now. And I promise, nobody will ever hurt you again. I’ll always be here for you.”

No Mikey, no. I sighed and reached for him, “Will you lay here with me and just hold me Mikey? Please? And when you have to go, just do it while I’m sleeping.”

His eyes filled and he looked me over yet again, “I might hurt you.”

I shook my head, “No Mikey, you’d never hurt me. Come on,” I scooted to one side and he slipped gracefully behind me and I pulled his arm around my waist. The baby squirmed and kicked, and my belly rolled.

“Whoa, was that-” His hand lifted and I grabbed it and lowered it back against my bump, my heart aching as I want desperately to just be free to tell him everything.

“Yes, I think he or she likes you,” I leaned my bruised back against his hoodie covered plastron and I wanted to roll over and rip it off of him and feel him against me again. And I hated how there was always something in our way, getting between us, even stupid fabric.

“Of course, everybody likes me,” he quipped in classic Mikey fashion, and I thought for a moment that he had no idea just how much he was loved.  Then again, as perceptive as he was, he just might.

“Are you mad at me Mikey, for my past? Are you sorry, for what we’ve done together?” I gripped his hand as it rested over the bump that was his gift to me, with tears in my eyes and a cautious heart, and braced for his reply.

He kissed the top of my head, “I just wish you’d be with me Tea, and if it doesn’t work out I swear we’ll still be friends.  Come home with me, Tea.  I'll take care of both of you."

My heart clutched and my resolve waivered, knowing he was saying that, even though he thought I pregnant with someone else’s child. And that didn’t bother him at all. God, how good he was. “Oh, Michelangelo, I just can’t. Please understand.” How desperately I want to say yes. I want to tell you everything. I want to leave this all behind and destroy our enemies and keep you safe. But I can barely protect myself, and my sweet, innocent Love, I won’t risk you. I pulled his hand up to my mouth and kissed it and we lay in silence, as I breathed in his scent, savored the hardness of his body, adored the compassionate soul holding me, and I drifted off to sleep, and dreamt of a future, with him.

 

 

 


	36. Chapter 36

**April**

"Yes, yes Leo, we are on our way back. He's safe, no one saw him. No, he's been really quiet. I don't know why. He just has. Maybe he's shaken up from seeing his friend in the condition she was in. I don't know. Look, we'll be home in three hours. I'm sorry, but if any one of you had demanded I take you with me I would do it again. So while I'm sorry you guys have been worried, I'm not sorry for helping him. Fine. I accept that." As Leo ripped into me for the third time since we'd left Kentucky I tucked the phone back in my yellow hoodie pocket.

"I'm sorry he's being so hard on you April."

It was the first he'd spoken since we left. He wouldn't even tell me what he wanted to eat when we stopped for food. That was when I knew something was really, seriously wrong.

"It's fine Mikey. I just wish you'd tell me what's got you so upset."

"I killed him." He blurted it out and I sat dumbfounded, trying to absorb those words.

"You what? Michelangelo, what did you do?" My hand grabbed his arm, as he steered the Shellraiser, and I saw the tears in his eyes, but my stomach turned because they weren't grief, not even sorrow, they were tears of anger. "Pull over. Pull over! Now!"

He pulled onto the shoulder and cut the lights, then sat gripping the steering wheel, staring through the windshield. "He hurt her for the last time."

My heart was pounding, "What happened?"

"I took her phone, back tracked the last calls that came in, right before she was attacked, called and told that person to have him meet me, in the park on the waterfront. And he did. He's at the bottom of the Ohio right now, and he'll never hurt anyone ever again." He looked at me, and I felt a shiver run the length of my spine, because I barely recognized him right then. He was so clearly replaying his actions in his mind. I could see it in his eyes. And he wasn't a damn bit sorry. Gods Teagan, what have you done to him? Then, as if reading my mind, he told me, "Don't blame her April. She's been through enough. I just hope she can find someone to make her happy and keep her safe."

Then he started the vehicle and drove us home without another word. But the second he walked through the lair door he acted like nothing ever happened. He cracked jokes, ate pizza, trained and accepted a verbal lashing from Leo and Raph, and a severe grounding from Master Splinter.

From then on I looked at Michelangelo with new eyes, and I realized how much pain he actually carried and just how well he kept it hidden. He gave new meaning to the word courageous. Because he was brave enough to hide his own troubles, to better ease the pain of others. And my heart hurt for the other thing I walked away from that trip knowing.

He was hopelessly in love with Teagan.

**Angel**

The boxcar was packed with girls, it was dark, cold, and stank like piss. They were all ages, the girls, some were kids not more than eight, most were teens like me, and there were even a handful of adult women. I did my best to have patience with them, and their sniveling. In truth, I was scared shitless myself. But I'll be damned if I was going to let the assholes who put us in here know it.

No, I straightened my shoulders and felt a child's hand grab the hem of my shirt. "I want to go back to the shelter!" she choked out between sobs.

A great blaze rolled through me. So she was kidnapped from the shelter too, huh? Well if I get out of here I'll figure out who's drugging the girls and get myself a new teardrop tattoo. Won't be the first son of a bitch I've offed.

The crate creaked and groaned, and the sound of something heavy landing on top of it echoed off the metal walls and I covered my ears. More crashing, slamming and horrible screams and cries came before the gunfire, and then more after it. Then everything went silent, before I heard prying sounds on the door and I pushed my way to the front. I'd go first. Hell, I'd been through so much. What was one more beating, one more rape, one more anything? If it spared one of these kids for even another minute, it was worth it.

But as the door slammed against the pavement and moonlight filled the box I couldn't believe what was staring back at me. Four of the biggest turtles I've ever seen in my life. I swallowed my fear, my body trembling despite my conviction, and my eyes swept over their masked faces.

"You're safe," the blue masked one spoke, and I thought for a minute that I'd piss myself.

They turned as one and the blue one leapt on top of the crate across from ours, the red one following, then the purple, and finally the orange. Girls poured out of the crate around me and I struggled to stay on my feet and not be trampled. Without taking my eyes off the blue masked turtle I ran after them, and tracked them from the alleys, and kept pace with them for six blocks, before I damn well almost slammed into the orange masked one.

"Hey Babe, you're safe and good to go home now. So uh, why ya followin' us?" His eyes were such a beautiful blue I could hardly look away.

"I don't know." I answered honestly, studying him intently.

His mask raised and his mouth formed a curious "O" while he shifted his weight repeatedly, "Aren't you going to scream? Usually people scream and run away. But you are following us… and not doin' a half bad job of it. You a runner?"

I laughed, "Well first of all, why would I scream, when you saved me? And second, yeah, I guess, you could say I'm a runner. It's called run like hell from the father who molested me, or the uncle, or the neighbor, run like hell from the boyfriend who tried to pimp me out, or the jerk at the shelter that drugged me and shoved me in that box."

He stared at me, as if seeing something familiar to him or remembering something. I'm not sure. Then the sound of a growl cut through the air, before a red masked turtle landed behind the orange one, and gave him a hearty nudge. "Hurry up Mikey, what's taking so long?"

"She's got no place to go Raph. I was gonna call April. She and Karai just got that apartment together. I thought maybe-"

"Fuck no, what do you think we are, hotel save a hoe? No offense, Lady." The red masked turtle waved a hand at me before continuing to scold the orange one.

My teeth set on edge and my hand found its way to my hip, "La excusa, que llama una azada?"

"Look Lady, I don't speak crazy." The red masked one rolled his eyes and pulled on the other turtles arm, "Let's go Mike."

"Wait a minute Raph; she said there's someone drugging the girls at the shelter. She can help us find the guy."

"In that case," a calm voice came from behind me and I whipped around to face the blue and purple masked turtles, "You should come with us."


	37. Chapter 37

**Gone, Gone, Gone**

When life leaves you high and dry

I'll be at your door tonight

If you need help, if you need help

I'll shut down the city lights,

I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe

To make you well, to make you well

~Phillip Phillips~

**Teagan**

"Donatello."

My purple clad friend answered his cell and I found a knot in my throat where words should be.

"Hello? Who is this and how did you get this number?" His voice held a twinge of annoyance which deepened with a hint of malice as he went on to warn me, "I should tell you that I'm tracking you right now. The longer you hold this line the more likely I will find you, and you don't want to play with me. So I'd suggest you speak up and tell me what you want."

"Ddddonnie," I stammered his name, finding tears already filling my eyes.

"Teagan?" I could almost see his shocked face, eyes wide, mouth hanging open.

As quickly as my spirits lifted they were dashed when I heard Raphael's voice, "What'd you say Donnie?"

"No, Donatello don't tell him it's me. Did you get the trace yet? Please Donnie, don't tell him. I want; I need to talk to you but not with him or anyone else around." I pleaded.

"Nothing Raph, It's just April. Sometimes they sound the same and I couldn't help hoping it was her." There were subtle notes of irony to his tone and I knew at least one thing he was surely going to say to me.

"Oh, yeah, that used to happen ta me too."

The sound of his disappointment was unmistakable and my stomach clenched into a knot, and as if feeling my heartache I received a swift protesting kick from the little one I carried within me.

Yeah, Mommy needs to get over it, I know.

"All right, he's gone, start talking. Where are you, where have you been, why didn't you come back with Mikey, why don't you want Raph to know you're the one I'm talking to? Why don't you want to talk to him? When are you coming home? And I miss you." Donnie rattled off a string of questions, all of which I knew deserved answers. I had to confide in one of them, and he was the only one who stood a snowflakes chance in hell of helping me. Anyone else would lose it.

"Donatello, you can tell where I'm at from your trace by now. What you need to know is that I'm staying in the room upstairs of the house. Are you looking at it? I know you are."

I waited, listening to the clicks as he slid his fingers over the keyboard.

"The Green Guest House, Salvo North Carolina?"

"Yes, top floor, take the outside stair entry. The owner lives downstairs. She's… a midwife."

"Ooookay…"

It was now or never… "I'm pregnant."

There was silence on the other end of the line for a few minutes before a low growl vibrated through the phone then in a voice very unlike Donatello, he snarled, "Did you cheat on my brother?"

"Donnie. Raph and I aren't together. We're just very good friends. I keep telling you that." It was a legit question and I knew it, but it still hurt.

"If you say so. Is he going to agree with that?"

"That's what he tells you all the time. But this _is_ your brother's baby, just not…" My heart was pounding, and I licked my lips to wet my suddenly desert dry mouth, "not that brother."

"What?!" Donnie shrieked, then cleared his throat, "What? First of all, it's not possible. I don't want to accuse you of something as despicable as trying to pin a baby on one of us, but there's just no way. And Leo would never betray his feelings for Karai."

"Donatello, it's not Leo's baby either. And don't get me started on Leo, April told me all about Chloe. Donnie, I need you to listen, I swear to you, I wouldn't be hiding in North Carolina under the care of a midwife if this wasn't your brother's baby. I'd be in New York with April, and going to a doctor's office and definitely planning on delivering in a hospital with lots of drugs! Freaking contractions hurt like a bitch, I'm not looking forward to this at all. Well… that's not entirely true, this babies special." I took a deep breath and found my voice trembling, while my body shivered, "The thing is, I'm scared Donnie. I haven't told this midwife about you guys, I mean what if this baby is born and it's a turtle? She's going to freak the fuck out! Donnie, I need your help."

"You're serious. But when did the two of you even?"

How could he not have had a clue that Mikey and I had feelings for each other? Was he that wrapped up in April?

"Before I came home, when we were at the Hampton's house, we were together, just one time. When I got home we started messaging. I told him I just wanted to be friends. I didn't want to risk our friendship and he went along with it. He knows I'm pregnant, he just doesn't know it's his."

"He's not made that way Teagan. I thought you knew that."

"What way?"

"The friends with benefits way."

"I do, I know that. He said the same thing. But…" the ache in my chest hurt, "Donnie, he was shot and it was my fault. I just, we can't be together. Besides, he's with Angel now."

Donnie scoffed, "How'd you know about Angel?"

"Donnie, your girlfriend told me."

"It all makes sense now."

"What does?"

"Oh no, you two can work this mess out on your own. I mean the relationship part of it…" Donnie sighed, "You're really? Really? And you're sure it's his?"

"No Donatello, it's all a lie, I made the whole thing up. I'm a whore, and I'm knocked up and don't know who the babies daddy is and I'm calling to bullshit you."

Silence.

"I'll be there by tomorrow, but Tea,"

"Yeah?"

"I'm bringing Raph and Mikey with me."

"No, Donnie, please. Please. He doesn't need this. You guys have enough to deal with. I will manage this on my own. I just need to get the baby here safely."

"And then what, Teagan? If the baby doesn't look human how are you going to raise it? You can't stay with it all the time, you have to go to work, and out to public places and if anyone sees it-"

"I know Donnie. I know. But I'll work it out. I'll tell April."

"And she'll tell you the same thing I am, you have to tell him Teagan. This isn't something you can keep from him."

"If you bring him, if you tell him, I'll be gone before you get here. I won't risk his life."

"How is this risking his life? If it's his baby he will want to know, and damn it he'd deserve to! Look, you're scared, I get it. You're not thinking clearly. We'll figure this out when I get there."

"You're bringing him aren't you?"

"Yes I am, and you'd better be there when we get there. Don't fucking move Teagan, I mean it." It was rare that Donnie swore, and even more unusual for him to sound so threatening toward me, in fact I don't think he ever had before and it scared me a little.

"Donnie? Are you cussing April? And why the hell are ya calling her Teagan?" Raph's voice shifted from confused to thoroughly pissed, "It's her, your fucking talking to her! Give me the damn phone!"

"Teagan Marie O'Neil if you hang up this phone I swear you'll regret it, where the hell have you been?"

"You're one of my best friends Raphael, but I just… I can't. Tell Donnie I lied, everything's fine and not to come."

Lies. A snowball of lies, and it felt like shit, but before he could get another word out I'd disconnected the call. Now I just had to hope they didn't come, because I had no place else to go. I was going to have to trust the midwife.


	38. Chapter 38

**Teagan**

"How are you feeling this morning Momma?" Sara's smile had a gentle warmth to it, much like Donnie's did. Only Sara was in her late fifties, with crow's feet around her eyes and sunspots on her left cheek instead of being young and green with a purple bandana. There was a wisdom in her bright blue eyes, accented by her short silver curls, and I appreciated her consistently calm and optimistic demeanor. I found her company to be as soothing to me as a long talk with Splinter.

Rubbing my bulge, covered by Michelangelo's old t-shirt, I sighed, "Tired, miserable, hungry, and late for work."

"Sit down and have some breakfast," Sara pulled out a white wicker chair and pointed to it.

I would've loved to argue with her, but I didn't have the energy and sank gratefully into the palm tree cushioned seat. Sara glanced down at my swollen bare feet and frowned, "Have you had any water yet today?"

"I'm fine Sara, I feel fine."

She sat a plate of blueberry pancakes in front of me. "Well you look tired, and those feet of yours shouldn't be that swollen this early. You should probably tell your work it's time for maternity leave. Do you need me to write them a letter?"

Chewing on a delicious mouthful of berries and golden fluffiness I shook my head, "I'm going to work right up until I go into labor. I have to Sara. I won't have my board money if I don't."

Sara sat in the chair across from me, sipping her coffee while eyeing me over the rim of her cup. "I hate to pry in your business Teagan, but being swollen this early in the day means you need rest and fluids. We need to figure out how you can be well and afford to stay here." She placed her cup back on its saucer. "You never told me about the baby's father. Is he not the kind to step up, or are you in some kind of trouble?"

I shook my head, "No, I'm not in any trouble, and the baby's father is very special. I just don't think this is what's best for him, and I'll be fine, I can do this on my own."

Sara's hand came down over mine, "What makes you think you're any less special than this baby's father? Don't you think you should give him the choice to decide what he wants?"

Meeting Sara's gaze proved difficult, because she was usually right, and I knew I should trust her, but Michelangelo's safety was too important. "I just want them both to be safe."

Sara nodded as if she could read my mind, "Is he a good man?"

"Yes, the best I've ever known and my best friend to boot." I answered truthfully, and without hesitating, and I realized I was speaking from my heart, I was in love with my best friend, and I missed him so very much.

The old woman smiled, "Your relationship sounds pretty special in itself." She took my empty plate as she stood up from the table and looked at me, "But knowing when to ask for help Teagan, is part of life."

**That Night**

The couch was somehow the most comfortable place for me to sleep in the one room apartment, and I leaned against the back of it, while clutching a pillow to my front. The soft blue blanket I had wrapped around me was pulled up to my chin and the babe rolling around from within was keeping me up. I twitched, and pulled my head back further into the pillow, as the bizarre sensation of someone touching my ribs from the inside made me squirm. "Really? Isn't there something else you can do besides that? It's… it's… there aren't words for that feeling, and I don't care much for it, so just kick or something."

While the baby ignored my requests, seeming to enjoy the way my body reacted to its behavior, I heard the entry door behind me open.

"I'm fine Sara, really." I said, sitting up and looking over the back of the couch, to find silhouettes of Donatello and Raphael standing just inside the door.

My heart started to pound as Raph strode across the room, and I jerked the blanket up higher hoping it concealed my belly.

"What the hell is going on?" He hissed, and leaned down so I close I could feel his breath on my face.

"Is there a night light in here Teagan?" Donatello's voice was calm and indifferent to Raph's behavior.

I licked my lips and tried in vain to wet my mouth, "In the kitchenette by the window."

As Donnie seemed to float toward the kitchen, I realized Raph's eyes hadn't left my face, and the weight of his glare shamed me. My gaze drifted from the back of Donnie's shell to the top of the blue blanket covering my very large secret.

"You'd better tell him Teagan. He's pretty riled up." Donnie came to stand next to his brother, but knelt down, and his amber eyes swept over the blanket before settling on my face.

"Tell me what? Why you ran away from home? Why you're hiding out here? Is he after you again? Tell me something Teagan. Make all this make sense."

My lip trembled and my eyes watered. I wanted to say something, but I didn't want to tell him, and I had nowhere to run. I was tired of lying to everyone, especially Michelangelo, but if I told the truth…

"I need for you both to go, please." My voice was so cold it hurt for me to hear.

Raph jerked back, but Donnie didn't move.

"Mikey's not Him, Teagan. You know that. What's going on here would've never been possible if you didn't know that for sure. Tell Raph what's going on so we can figure out what to do."

I wanted desperately to curl up in Donnie's arms and just fall apart. I'd been holding it together this whole time, but with Raph looking at me the way he was, I just didn't know how much longer I could.

Raph glared at me, "What's this have ta do with Mikey?"

"Raph, maybe if you seemed a little less pissed she'd be more prone to talk."

Raph whirled on his brother, jabbing him in the plastron and knocking him off balance. "Maybe I'd be less pissed if I had some answers to my questions! Maybe I'd be less pissed if my best friend didn't just tell me ta leave!" Then his green eyes snapped back to me, "Say somethin'!"

Taking a deep shuddering breath I closed my eyes, and pulled back the blanket, curling my legs up as close to my belly as I could, I wrapped my arms around all of me. I felt Raph stiffen beside me, and my eyes opened, but I avoided his dead on glare, watching his reaction in my peripheral.

Slowly the massive turtle sank to his knees, "Did that asshole do this to you? Did he find you? Is that why you called Donnie? You know I'm here for you if you've got trouble with him," Raph leaned forward, placed a large finger under my chin and turned my head to face him.

I clamped my eyes shut as more tears escaped me, "Please Raph."

"Come on Tea, you can tell me anything." His voice softened, "you're my best friend Teagan. I'll never let anybody hurt you. You know I've got your back. I'm not going to blame you for anything He did or anything you want to do as a result of it."

"It's not his baby Raph." I swallowed and bit my lip, "I called Donnie because I didn't know what to do."

"About what?" he pressed.

I have to stop being such a coward. My voice came out so soft I'd be surprised if he heard me, "The baby is Michelangelo's."

"What?" Raph's eyes widened, as he looked me over. "How's that even? When did? Don't answer that. Seriously?"

Raph's eyes searched my face, then drifted to my belly, before he sat back on his heels and stared at me.

Donnie pointed to the foot of the couch and I motioned for the purple clad brother to take a seat.

"I guess, you must've decided I'm right, Donnie. Since you didn't bring him with you," I glanced at the brainy brother, who frowned and shook his head.

"I don't know what kind of arrangement you and Mikey have, but he will eventually find out about this Teagan, and he has a right to know, but above all else it should come from you. I brought Raph, because I thought he could talk some sense into you." Donnie looked at his red clad brother.

Raph shook his head, "Why don't you want to tell him? Is it why I think it is?"

I bit my lip and looked to the ceiling with wet eyes, "Raph, he was shot because of me. I can't," My throat hurt, and I swallowed the emotions that were trapped in it and looked in Raphael's green eyes, "I won't let anything happen to him, and we," I motioned to my belly, "we'd be a distraction, and if the wrong person found out about us, we could be used as leverage. It's just, it's safer for him this way."

Raph nodded, "I get it, Tea, I do. But what are you going to tell him? What if this kid is green, huh? How are you goin' to explain that?"

My lip trembled and stray tears escaped. I swiped at them, glanced at Donnie and then Raph, "Then I won't come back. I'm hoping the baby looks human and I can just keep saying I don't know who the father is, but still have Mikey in our lives. I want him to know the baby; just not that it's his."

Raphael reached a hand out and wrapped it around my own, "Then we'll say it's mine."

My heart skipped a beat and Donnie bolted up from the couch.

"Bad idea! That's a bad idea! Raph, Mikey will be devastated if he thinks the two of you were together. Teagan, if my baby brother slept with you, then you can count on him being crazy in love with you. This will break him."

I closed my eyes, dropping my chin to my chest, "He's with Angel. There's not much he could say. Besides, if he's alive and safe-"

"We're never safe Teagan, and you know it." Donnie gave my leg a gentle tap, "This is a bad idea."

"She's right Donnie, he took a bullet for her, he ran away from home for her. If he sees her with someone he knows will keep her safe, he'll let her go." Raph let my hand go and put a finger under my chin, guided me to face him, then let go, "Look at me Teagan."

I rub my eyes and look at Raphael.

"I've got your back. We'll do what we've got to do and all three of you will be safe."

"For the record, this is the third time I've said this, but, this is a bad idea, and If he ever asks me the right questions. I won't lie to him. Otherwise, God help me," Donnie palmed his face, "but I won't say anything."


	39. Chapter 39

**Teagan**

I placed the teacup on the table and Raph scowled at it, like I'd offended him.

Rolling my eyes, I sighed, "It's filled with water Raph, last I checked you still drank that."

He shifted and the wicker chair creaked beneath his weight.

Donnie snickered, "Don't move around too much Raph, that chair might not hold you."

A soft laugh fell out of me and they both looked in my direction. Raph looked me up and down for the thousandth time. "You're kinda shiny Tea; I mean you're as big as a house, but shiny."

Donnie huffed, "Raph, you're not supposed to say things like that." The purple clad terrapin smiled at me, "He means you're glowing. You're condition becomes you."

I laughed again, "Call it the spirit of this baby's father, but I've found myself smiling and feeling just generally happy." I frowned and my voice fell to a whisper, "Despite my situation."

"You can always change your mind. I can call him and he'll be here by nightfall." Donnie sipped his coffee and looked at me, his amber eyes shining with hope.

Images of Michelangelo's blood flowing out in rivers over my hands, his eyes rolling back in his head, flickered through my mind and I fumbled with my own cup of water, just barely getting it to the countertop to avoid dropping it.

"You okay, Tea?" Raph's weight shifted again, this time as if he would stand.

I raised a hand, "I'm fine, I just… have memories." Memories, hell, they were nightmares. "No, Donnie, this is what's best." I pulled out a chair at the head of the table, with Raph on my right and Donnie on my left. "So, how is everyone?"

Donnie snorted, "Everyone is fine. It's you we want to know about. When is this baby coming?"

A tiny grunt escaped me as I shifted to get comfortable, "Any day now, I'm four centimeters, but last check I wasn't effaced at all. I'm supposed to see Sara today." I straightened in my chair, "She'll actually be knocking on my door in the next thirty minutes."

The brothers looked at each other.

"How do you think she'll take… uh, us?" Donnie studied my face intently before he clarified, "What I mean is, we don't know what to expect from your uh-passenger there." He motioned to my belly, "I mean I'm thrilled to be an uncle, but not at the expense of your life. I mean I don't know what you've got going on over there. Has anything been… unusual?"

"When I was in the hospital they tried three ultrasound machines and couldn't see anything. It's like there's a shield between the baby and my body. Sarah can't feel the baby's head or feet or back or anything, just me. And she keeps huffing and puffing about me going on maternity leave."

Raph's head tilted from his cup of water to look at me, and I wondered how uncomfortable this whole conversation must make him. "You're working?"

"Well, yeah. I have to pay to stay here and I'm lucky I found her. She's a private midwife. Grant it she's already cut me a reduced rate because she didn't have any clients, and she knew I was on my own. But I give her ninety percent of my paycheck." I tucked a lock of red hair behind my ear and toyed with the cup nervously.

"You shouldn't be working Teagan. What your experiencing is unprecedented, essentially the first of a new species. It's possible the human side of our mutation is dominant and everything will proceed like a normal pregnancy but without an ultrasound there's no way to know." Donnie leaned in my direction and tapped the table until I looked him in the eye, "Quit the job Teagan. I have some money saved up from my tech help line job, and Mikey," Donnie rolled his eyes, "has been moonlighting as a turtle for kid's birthday parties."

My heart jerked, "But I-"

But Donnie held up a hand and cut me off.

"He doesn't have to know who the father is to want to help you Teagan. He'll do anything for you. As I say again, for the record, I think not telling him is a big mistake."

I glanced at the clock, "Sara will be here in ten minutes. So are we making an introduction?"

Raph grumbled.

Donnie nodded, "I don't know anything about delivering babies, aside from what I studied on the way here, and while your midwife does, she's not prepared for whatever is about to make its appearance. So yes, to keep everyone safe. I think we have to."

Raph grumbled again, "Do I haveta? I mean I'm not helping deliver a baby."

Donnie scowled at him, "You're here for moral support. Suck it up."

I snickered, "Wow, our friendship is about to hit a whole new level Raph."

The red clad turtle rubbed his face, "I'm getting a headache."

A knock sent my head whipping around toward the door. "Alright guys, can you-" I looked back at two empty chairs at the table. "Of course. I'll just try to prepare her and we'll take it from there."

XXX

It's been three days, since the boys met Sara and she took it about as well as could be expected. But she also revealed that she used to deliver bi-racial babies for mothers, in secrecy, when her practice first started, apparently in those days it was controversial business too. I thought, as she told me a few stories, how beautiful those brave women must be, and how special their birth stories were. Even more so, I appreciated that Sara had, in the end, chosen to take that perspective of my pregnancy and cared for me the same way she always had.

It was now two in the morning, and I'd been in labor for thirteen hours. My entire body was shivering and there was an intense pressure in my center. And as she checked me and frowned, I wanted to scream. Then I realized I was.

"I just want something to happen; I can't go on like this!" Tears of pain, frustration, and exhaustion slid down my cheeks and I clenched Raphael's hand and writhed. "Sara, please, tell me something's changed!"

Donnie and Sara conversed by the door, and finally Sara came to my side and looked me in the eye, "You're fully effaced, fully dilated, you're ready to push, but you're water hasn't even broke, and I can't feel the baby's head. I'm not sure what's going on, so Donnie's just going to take a look."

My teeth chattered as I nodded and dropped my head back into the pillow, with only a seconds reprieve before I whimpered, then screamed as yet another contraction racked my body. At this point I was sure this was never going to end. Maybe I was already dead and this was my new level of hell...

Donnie took Sara's place between my legs and I felt a stretching and pressure, pushing against the direction my body wanted. "What the fuck, Donatello?!" I screamed.

Donnie remained unfazed by my outburst, and glanced at my midwife, "Sara, give me your scalpel. I think I just figured out the problem."

Sara retrieved the blade and my gaze flickered nervously to Raphael who had remained perfectly quiet, yet had steadily faded to the palest shade of green I'd ever seen on any of them. Who could blame him, I was scared myself.

"Be still Teagan, I just need to-" Donnie applied that pressure again and I wanted to kick him in the face, but then there was a sudden relief and I felt a sea of fluid rush from my body. "There we go, and I think that's a head! Sara, it's your game again."

He traded places with my midwife, washed his hands in a basin on my bedroom dresser, and came to stand by my side, opposite Raph. He smiled and I wanted to punch him in the face. How could he be so proud of himself while I'm lying here suffering? Men.

"What?" I grunted, in between another body abusing contraction. At this point I was thinking I may very well die trying to bring this baby into the world, and he had the gall to smile at me?!

"No time for that now Teagan, push on your next contraction!" Sara demanded.

"No one could see the baby on ultrasounds because there was a thin shell-like membrane over it. It's probably what saved the baby when you were attacked. You weren't able to deliver, because it needed to be ruptured. And now-"

And now he's going to talk to me about his discovery? Really? "I don't care Donnie! I just want this to be over!" I took a feeble frustrated swipe at him but could barely move for the pain.

"PUSH TEAGAN!" Sara tapped my calf and I curled up, pulling my legs back at the same time and pushed with everything in me. I felt the baby's head stretching me wide, and I thought for sure I would split in two. "Okay, one more and we'll have a baby!" I took a deep breath in, pushed, screamed, and felt the head work its way out and the rest of the infant slip free. Then I collapsed into my pillow, covered in sweat, exhausted, heaving for breath, and feeling immensely relieved.

I glanced at Raphael as he stood up. He was staring at Sara's back as she did something to my baby. A sense of panic came over me. Was my baby okay? Donnie rushed to her side and a few seconds later I heard a gasp and a whimper. Then Sara held up a very human looking infant. "We have a girl!"

My heart filled as I thought of her father and wished he could've been with us, that things were different, and that I wasn't such a damned curse. I licked my lips and tasted the salt of my tears. "Can I?"

Sara brought the naked babe to me, and laid her against my chest, then covered us both. She glanced at the ill colored Raph, "Raphael could you bring some clean blankets? I brought fresh ones with me last night; they are on the kitchen counter."

Raph wobbled a bit, never taking his eyes off the baby. He bent over suddenly and kissed the top of my head. "You did good Little Sister," he said, then the not-so-tough guy lumbered from the room.

Donnie chuckled, "I'll say you did. I've got to call April and tell her the news. What's her name?"

My stomach clenched, and the baby whined and opened her dark blue eyes to look at me. Her face was round like his, but that was my red hair and a lot of it. My lip trembled and my fingers shook as I stroked the top of her head. She was beautiful. What a crazy, long and winding road I'd been on, but despite my troubles and everything that had gotten in my way, Michelangelo was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I was glad that he had become part of my incredible, "Journey."


	40. Chapter 40

**My Sacrifice**

Hello my friend, we meet again

It's been awhile, where should we begin

Feels like forever

Within my heart are memories

Of perfect love that you gave to me

Oh, I remember

-Creed-

**Month One**

**Teagan**

Saying goodbye to Sara had brought fresh tears to my already emotional eyes. But we'd piled into the Shellraiser, Journey all snapped in tight to her car seat, in the middle, while Raph demanded that he trade me places, so I could sleep on the bench seat in the back halfway through. But I think he just wanted to be near her. Usually he wanted to drive and would put up a big fuss over it, but not this trip.

April confided in Donnie that they'd readied a room for Journey and I at her new apartment. She also said she'd spoken with Karai, who, I learned, wouldn't be home for another two months. Something about needing to be there for her sisters, but that was the soonest she could get here. At the same time she asked about each and every brother and I wondered if she and Leo could find their way back where they belonged. Together.

Donnie pulled the car into the alley outside April's apartment building and I let out a soft laugh, she was one floor above her fathers. "Well I've come full circle."

Raph snickered, "Yeah, it came open and her dad bought it for her. It's four bedrooms, so it's pretty big. Karai has a room, but she has yet to live in it. Then Angel came along and April gave her a room too. You'll like her Tea; she reminds me and Mikey of you. I think that's why Mikey wanted to bring her home in the first place."

I better like her; if she's not good to him I'll destroy her. Oh God, like _I've_ been any good to him. I have no room to judge anyone. But I can't help the knot in my throat, as I think of him with anyone else. But he's suffered the same thing, because Raph talked to him over the phone and told him, lied to his own brother that we had gotten into a relationship. But he didn't have to say Journey was his because she looked human, and for that I was immensely relieved.

With trembling fingers I reached for my daughter, unsnapped the buckles, pulled her close to me then draped a blanket over her. Raph picked up the car seat and diaper bag.

"You coulda just left her in; I woulda carried her up for you."

My feet wouldn't move and my eyes welled as I looked up at the red clad turtle. "Raph-"

His eyes searched mine and he nodded, "It's okay, it's gonna be okay. I'll be right here with you."

"Or you can always change your mind!" Donnie said, as he opened the side door and we filed onto the street.

Ignoring him, I licked my lips and looked up at the fifth floor windows, "So he's here."

"Yes, I just talked to April. Everyone is here." Donnie put a gentle hand on my shoulder.

My stomach rolled, "Oh God, I think I'm gonna be sick." I stepped back into Raphael and he put an arm around me, careful not to bump a sleeping Journey.

"You're not alone Teagan," he reassured me, and I allowed him to guide me inside and to the elevator. But when the doors opened on the fifth floor, and I found Michelangelo leaning against the wall just outside of it, my knees damn near buckled and I know my heart stopped.

Mikey stood upright. "It's about time!" he chirped, and as Raph held a few bags out to his little brother Mikey darted around him, grabbed my arm and guided me into the hall then threw his arms around me. Journey squeaked, and Mikey stepped back as I lowered the blanket to reveal her head of red hair, and she blinked her round blue eyes, and opened and closed her little bird like mouth.

My heartbeat was so erratic I thought I was either going to have a heart attack or maybe a panic attack. I was nauseous and my fingers went numb, but I held her as if she might dissolve, as the scent of pizza and oil hit my nostrils and my heart flipped. But when his large green hands reached out for her, and I handed her over to him I was sure I was broken all over again. I wanted to tell him, I ached to tell him, watching his eyes light up as he held her, feeling him against me when he pulled me in for another hug, inside I was sure I was dying, my eyes were wet and my throat hurt, and I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye.

Thankfully Raph lingered nearby, and Leo stuck his head out into the hall then Donnie tossed a bag at him. I looked away from Michelangelo, grateful for the distraction, and my eyes locked with the blue clad leader as he caught the duffel. He looked from me to Journey, to Mikey, and offered me a small sad smile as he nodded, then he turned and carried my bags into the apartment. I guess Donnie told him.

April ran down the hall, threw her arms around my neck and hugged me tight. "I have missed you so much," she whispered and fresh tears sprang to my eyes.

She let me go and jabbed Mikey, "Hey, let me see my second cousin!"

Mikey spun around and put his shell to her, and while she thought he was playing and laughed, I realized by the flicker of something scarcely seen in his eyes, he wasn't. My heart raced with panic at the thought that he'd figured it out. But he kissed the infants head, handed her over, then looked at me, "Come on Tea, I want you to meet Angel."

My stomach rolled and Raph grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze.

We followed Mikey into the apartment, and as we stepped inside I was overwhelmed with how nice it was, all hardwood floors, tile in the kitchen, and a neutral color scheme. Splinter sat on the loveseat end of a taupe chenille sectional sofa, and Leo sat beside him.

"Welcome home Teagan," the elderly rat stood and I stepped into his furry arms. "We have missed you."

"And I you Sensei," I choked, swallowing a new wave of tears, as I had come to think of their father as my own, for he'd been more of one that mine ever had.

He gave me a firm squeeze, "There now, show me this child of yours." He lowered his mouth to my ear and his whiskers tickled my cheek, "I understand she is very special." Good grief Donatello, is there anyone you didn't tell?!

As he released me, April handed Journey over to him, and the infant made loud smacking noises, sucking her thumb as she looked at her grandfather with wide blue eyes. In that second she looked so much like Mikey I thought I was doomed. I saw the recognition in Splinter's eyes, but he said nothing as he cradled her to his chest.

"You know, I used to suck my thumb when I was little," Mikey chirped in my ear, and my stomach dipped like I'd jumped off a cliff.

I bit my lip and heard an unfamiliar throat clearing, "Ahem, Michelangelo, you could introduce me to your friend."

It was by pure accident that my eyes met with Mikey's and in that second I thought my world would come to a screeching halt. Despite everything, I loved him, and while my heart hurt for want of him, I also felt great joy that he'd found someone. I looked away quickly to the Hispanic girl, with gorgeous caramel colored skin and long dark lashes, full mauve lips and long straight brown locks that hung down the middle of her back. She was beautiful. She offered me a sincere smile, crossed the room and thrust out a heavily ringed hand, "I'm Angel, you must be Teagan."

"I am. It's nice to meet you Angel. I've heard really wonderful things about you." I looked her in the eye, and offered her a sincere smile, but I was sure she was picking me apart. And who could blame her. From what Raph had told me, our pasts ran across similar lines of abuse. My insides warmed, however, because I realized how far I'd come, and I knew she was in the right hands for healing.

Her dark eyes flickered from me to Mikey and back, "Likewise."

"So what's her name?" Leo piped up, and I was grateful for his timing, although I doubted it was accidental.

"Journey," I whispered, and the baby cooed and grabbed Splinter's whiskers and the elderly rat chuckled.

"I like it Tea," Mikey nodded his head in approval, and when Angel reached out and took his hand in hers, I thought I'd die.

"Tea, you hungry?" Raph called from the kitchen, and I walked on numb legs, just holding myself together until I was safely out of view, and I leaned against the refrigerator and felt my chest shudder.

Raph must've known it was coming; he went from leaning against the counter to pulling me in his arms in two seconds flat. And I clung to him, hurting for how bad I'd messed everything up and how desperately I wanted to make it right.

"Shhh," he leaned over, "Look at me Tea." I took a deep breath and looked in his green eyes. He nodded, "Good. Now, stop thinking about it for now. He's not going to leave anytime soon. He loves kids. So you're going to have to hang in there and tough this out. I'll be right here."

Oh God, he's right.

XXX

Raph _was_ right.

Angel grew tired of waiting for Michelangelo to give up Journey, and went to bed. Every time I fed her and brought her back out to the living room, he'd take her from me. Leo had taken Master Splinter home after dinner, and April was spending the night at the lair with Donnie. I think they were close to taking things to the next level, and I feared I'd gotten in their way more than once in the past few years, so I was happy for them. Raph had made a spot for himself on the floor of my room, determined to keep up our front, and he was snoring so loud I didn't know if I'd be able to sleep with him in there. But I adored him for his efforts. I wouldn't have made it through the night without him.

But now I sat on the edge of the coffee table, watching Journey sleep on Mikey's plastron, where he'd fallen asleep on the couch cuddling with her. I soaked him up, for I had missed him even more than I thought. Perhaps because I'd carried part of him with me it had been bearable. But now that I watched him smiling in his sleep, his closed eyes mimicking the curve of his mouth, that sweet dusting of freckles across his round face, I wanted desperately to kiss him, to feel his skin beneath my fingers, to breathe him in and just tell him, everything. But my gaze drifted down to a specific scar on his shoulder and I shuddered at the bloody memory.

Journey's little mouth was parted, her hand in a tiny fist by her cheek. But I recognized the shape of her face and when she smiled I saw him. I fixed the image of my lighthearted love and his baby girl in my mind, and rubbed my face, wiping away a stray tear. He was different somehow. Raph had told me, Mikey had been different since he came back from visiting me in the hospital. April had been with him, I'd have to talk to her about it.

One of Mikey's eyes cracked open and he looked at me, in the mischievous way he used to, when we first met. One corner of his mouth curved into a sweet smile, but I saw something sad and distant in his eyes. It hurt to look at, Michelangelo, in any kind of pain, hurt, or sadness, it didn't fit him. And yet I knew, he felt all of those things, he just hid it well. But it seemed, he either couldn't, or wasn't going to, hide those feelings from me anymore, and it was a big adjustment. "What ya doin' Tea?"

I forced a smile to my face, and tried not to look in those spectacular blue eyes too long. "Just watching my best friend and my baby, sleeping, all cute and cuddly." I looked at the clock on the wall, then back to Journey, feeling Michelangelo's eyes on my face, "She really should be on her back Mikey. Everything I've read says they shouldn't sleep on their tummies. That and she'll be waking up hungry soon."

He stared at me, not saying anything, and when my eyes flickered to his he only nodded. "Mommy knows best, I guess."

My eyes closed and I took a deep breath, "What's bothering you Michelangelo?"

He didn't hesitate to answer me.

"My brother Teagan? Really? You won't be with me, but Raph?" He shook his head, Journey whimpered, but when Mikey stroked her red hair, she settled.

"You're with Angel, Mikey. And you both seem very happy." I stood up and turned to leave, but his hand reached up and slid lightly over mine, sending a jolt throughout me.

"Yeah, I guess," he said softly then let go.


	41. Chapter 41

**Gone, Gone, Gone**

You're my back bone

You're my cornerstone

You're my crutch when my legs stop moving

You're my head start

You're my rugged heart

You're the pulse that I've always needed

~Phillip Phillips~

**Month 2**

**Teagan**

Taking care of a newborn was far from easy. Journey had to be fed every four hours now, but for the first two months it was every two hours, then three. Doing the majority of it by myself, that was exhausting. I lived with two other women, but Journey was my baby, my responsibility, and I seldom asked for their help. So this morning, before the sun had even begun to come up I was getting ready for work. And when I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror I had to admit, I looked like shit.

My hair was a wild red mess, I almost brushed my teeth with the antibiotic ointment I'd used to clean up another of Raph's late night scrap wounds with, and I think I forgot to rinse the conditioner out of my hair, again. I pulled Michelangelo's t-shirt over my head and folded it carefully, then set it on the counter next to the hand towels. Then, right as I go to step into the shower, I hear her. Crying, and the cry quickly turns into a full out scream. I wrapped a towel around me, then rushed to get to her before she woke the entire apartment, but right as I opened the door, the crying stopped. And so did my heart.

"It's okay Tea; I've got her, take your shower." Michelangelo smiled at me, kissed Journey's head and walked right by the bathroom door.

Angel was standing in her bedroom door and our eyes met, then we both looked away. I liked her, a lot. When Mikey wasn't around we got along great. But he was almost always here. And it's not that we don't get along. It's just. I knew she could tell that we had a past, and it was a little awkward. But she didn't pry and I was thankful for it.

I closed the bathroom door, turned on the water, and tried to clear my head long enough to take a shower that did not end with my hair glued to the top of my head. After all, it was my first day at my new job. I couldn't be late, and I had to at least look like a presentable human being.

As I dried off, applied a light dusting of make-up, and dressed myself in a pair of blue jeans and a blue Safe Place polo, all that was left to do was pull my hair up in a ponytail, get a cup of coffee and wake April to babysit.

When I opened the bathroom door again, the smell of coffee drifted in, and I followed the heavenly scent straight to the kitchen and found Mikey, Journey in one arm, chewing on her hand, while he offered me an empty mug.

"Didn't want to accidentally spill it on her, so you have to pour it yourself," he never failed to look right at me, while I avoided looking him in the eye at all costs. What I wanted to do was fight with him, find something to hate him for. Because having him around all the time, but not being with him, it twisted my stomach in knots, and my heart, well whenever I thought about it to hard, I'd become a blubbering mess. But he was damn near perfect, and I could find little to his fault, especially since he doted on Journey. And if I was honest, to some degree at the same time, he was looking out for me.

"Thanks," I filled the mug, breathed in the mouth watering scent, and felt the flavor in my jaw before I'd even tasted it.

"First day?" he asked, but of course he knew it was.

Journey's eyelids started to lower, and her chewing had shifted to a hearty thumb-sucking. The little smacking noises brought a grin to both mine and Mikey's faces. He turned his head to look at her and I had to look away for the ache in my heart. My damn heart.

"Yeah, I've got to go wake up April. She's going to babysit for me."

"Raph didn't stay last night?"

The truth was Raph seldom stayed over. He checked on us daily, and he'd wait till Mikey either went to bed with Angel before he left, or they'd leave together to go home. But we were terrible at our ruse. We fought like a brother and sister, not a couple. And he showed up late, a lot, usually wounded.

I kept my back to Mikey, noting the irony in his voice, "No. He went home."

"Third time this week. Everything going okay?" he didn't used to push or pry, but since I'd come home, he wouldn't leave the Raph and me thing go.

But I had made my own observations. I took a sip of my coffee and reached for my sneakers. "How are things with you and Angel?"

"Great," he answered cheerfully, but did not elaborate. "So, I uh- I can babysit. That way April can sleep. I can't leave now, anyway, since the sun is coming up soon."

My hand started to shake and my coffee sloshed over the side of the cup. He was her father, and there was no one in the world she'd be safer with. Whether he knew who he was to her or not. "Okay." I agreed. Then I tugged on my other shoe, straightened my shirt, took a deep breath and turned around to face him.

I fixed my eyes on Journey as I spoke to him. Looking in those blues just ripped me to shreds anymore. "There are bottles in the fridge. Diapers are stocked, and if you need me, just call."

"Okay, we'll be fine. Don't worry." He said it in such a way I could sense his excitement.

"Mikey, nobody gets excited about changing diapers," I shook my head, and then leaned forward to kiss Journey's head, accidentally inhaling at the same time. A new euphoric scent hit me all at once, baby, pizza, and oil. My heart fluttered and a thrill rolled through me, he was so close I could sense his energy, there was our baby, his scarred shoulder, and his cheek. I closed my eyes, took another breath and pressed my lips together, steeling myself because I wanted desperately to turn my head and seek his mouth.

"I don't mind," he said softly as I turned away from him. Then, as I put my hand on the front door, he said something else that I simply did not reply to, because I couldn't, not for the lump it brought to my throat. "Take your time Teagan, I will wait."


	42. Chapter 42

**Angel**

Teagan was a good mother. Really. I don't know what my problem was. But when I walked in the living room and found him sitting on the floor playing with Journey, I wanted to scream, and I'm not entirely sure why. It could be because he was obsessed with her baby. I knew he liked kids, the turtle costume gig was my first clue, his usual lighthearted, playful self was my other.

But I wanted at least some of him for myself. The way it used to be, before Teagan came here. When he and his brothers took down the human traffickers and I helped. When I realized he was an amazing friend, honest, loyal, he made me laugh, and I knew I could trust him. And Gods the sex had been phenomenal. Had been. As in a certain redhead showed up, and since then I was lucky to get a kiss on the cheek.

"Mikey, where's Teagan?" I asked, with a hint of accusation to my voice, and I already anticipated his reply.

He didn't answer me though. He was too busy holding out a small plastic baby toy towards the infants opening and closing hand, while he babbled at her.

"Michelangelo!" I stomped my foot, and felt a little like a child myself. He turned his head, glanced at me, then went right back to playing with the baby.

"Work. She went to work. I've got Journey today." He sniffed the infant, made a face, picked her up and held her away from him as he headed for Teagan's room, "She was right, nobody gets excited about diapers."

I followed him down the hall, "Mikey, I was hoping we could spend the day together. I have to work tomorrow."

"So do I," he replied, as he laid Journey on the changing table.

"I know you put money in her purse when she's not looking," I whispered.

His hands stopped moving and he took a slow controlled breath, then on his exhale he told me, "Teagan is family Angel. And we take care of our family."

It felt like a punch to the gut, "Well what am I?"

Another controlled breath, "Honestly, right now, your kinda getting on my nerves."

And a nice roundhouse to the face. My hands started to tremble, "Fuck you Michelangelo! I'm trying to understand what kind of hold she has over you. Why I'm not good enough anymore. She's with your brother for Christ's sake! And, by the way, you don't have to be mean."

Journey started to cry and I took a step toward him, but he held up his hand and the serious look on his face stopped me in my tracks.

In a firm voice, that sent a chill down my spine, he said, "First, stop yelling at me, you're scaring the baby. Second, be glad that you are so strong that you knew when you needed help, and you were not afraid to ask for it. And third, do you need money? I will give it to you if you do." His blue eyes were flat and his mask bunched between his eyes in an angry scowl.

"No. I don't. I just," I rubbed my hands over my face, "you're not the same since she came here."

Without missing a beat he nodded, "I know that." But he didn't explain himself, and he didn't try to make me feel better about it either.

I had a feeling this was the beginning of the end, but now that I was thinking about it, the end began when he introduced me to her, in that split second, when their eyes met. That was it. I knew it in my gut, in that twisting, churning, ill-fated moment, when his eyes took on the most perfect sky blue, all but shining like diamonds, and hers, a gorgeous blue-green like flawless blue zircon, and I'd know, I worked in a jewelry store. But it's what I saw in that exchange, a past, a history, one he would not tell me about, and when I pushed about it, we fought about that too.

No, while today felt like it, it was just a replay, because whether she wanted him or not, he was hers, and I was just dragging it out.

He finished changing the baby, put her in her crib, walked right by me, washed his hands and to my surprise returned. His eyes flashed with a lust that shot right through me, he grabbed my arms, squeezed them and pushed me into the hallway wall, reached down and hiked my legs up around him, then pressed his mouth hard against mine, and I thought, the end could wait one more day.

**April**

I knew something was going on between Michelangelo and Teagan a year ago. I was just too busy with my own relationship to snoop around theirs. When she turned up pregnant the last thing I could've ever imagined was it being his baby. But as sure as I watch her little round face grow, her blue eyes sparkling with a familiar brightness, and her smile, it became clearer to me every day. Slowly I was piecing it all together.

What I didn't understand is why Michelangelo either couldn't see it, or if he did, why he wouldn't do something about it. It's like he was biding his time, and waiting. Like he'd embarked on a long mission, and he was willing to tow the line. I shook my head. And I thought Donnie and I held a slow and steady. But Teagan and Mikey were at a stalemate, and soon, I hoped, something had to give.

Why wasn't she telling him that Journey is his? Why is Raph pretending to be her boyfriend?

I catch myself laughing at the ridiculousness of it, and Teagan frowned.

Why is she asking me these questions, questions that aren't mine to answer. Questions that she knows I won't answer?

"Why are you laughing April?" My cousin shook her head, "I'm serious. He's different. There's something… in his eyes, something happened. And I know you know what. So, please, tell me."

I rolled my eyes and clenched my teeth, "Teagan, if you really truly want to know, ask him. Ask him. For God's sakes look him in the eye and talk to him. He's right there, down the hall, playing with a baby," I leaned in to her and whispered, "that by the way, I _know_ is his. And you are beating yourself up, keeping away from him, and for what? That's the real question!"

Teagan's red eyebrows drew together and her eyes closed. The girl wore pain on her face like it was her shield. But in truth she was about to fall apart. I cleared my throat, "Look, you have got to quit punishing yourself, for your past, for what you went through before Mikey, and for some of the things that have happened since you've known him."

"Like him getting shot," she snapped, her blue-green eyes filling.

"Teagan, you are killing yourself, and I hate to break it to you, but you're hurting him too." I got in her face; my patience with her was running very thin. She was tired, overworked, she was breaking herself down, one day at a time, and I'd had it. How Michelangelo was staying his course, I would never know. "You are stronger than this, and you know it. Have the courage to love him Teagan; he had the courage to put his life on the line for you. And none of us, not a one, save for yourself, blames you for what happened."

Her eyes were watery and red with tears, "I. Don't. Deserve. Him."

I grabbed her by the shoulders, noted that she didn't flinch anymore, and that was a testament to how far she'd come, "Yes. Teagan. You. Do. You are a mortal being, and a damn good one. Please, stop punishing yourself. Please."

I saw it in her eyes, she was close. And it terrified her. She crumbled into me, and I held her close, while she wept, tears of someone broken, tears of someone healing, tears of someone who knew she was the only one standing in her own way.


	43. Chapter 43

**Gone, Gone, Gone**

And if your well is empty

Not a thing will prevent me

Tell me what you need, what do you need?

~Phillip Phillips~

**Month 3**

**Angel**

Sex couldn't save us. For one thing, we either couldn't get enough privacy to even enjoy a romp. That, and every time I thought we'd get close, a certain baby cried, and a certain turtle just could not ignore her. That was happening right this second.

His mouth went from my breast, to his head whipping up and toward the door, before I'd heard a whimper.

"What?" I asked, trying to coax him back to me.

"Shhh," he sat up, got out of the bed, and went to the bedroom door.

That's when I heard Journey squawking and carrying on.

"She has a mother Mikey, she's fine."

He held up a hand, listened and shook his head, "Something's wrong."

Before I knew it he was out the door.

With clenched teeth, I threw back the comforter, tugged on my camisole and stormed out after him. As I stepped in the hall there was Teagan holding a fussing Journey against her bra covered chest and the sight of it surprised me. The girl seldom walked around with anything less than a tank top or baggy t-shirt, Michelangelo's shirt actually, but that was another issue.

She blushed a little when she saw me, and glanced down at herself, "Sorry, she's teething and sometimes the skin on skin calms her down." She glanced sideways at Michelangelo, who seemed ready to snatch the baby from her mother's arms. "And I was just telling Mikey, I gave her some teething caplets and she's fine."

"Don't you have to work today Tea?" He asked, his eyes skimming the girl over from the top of her head to her toe. I had to admit the circles under Teagan's eyes were dark. She looked like she could use a shower, and at least twelve hours of sleep. Journey whimpered and sobbed and Teagan took a deep breath, closed her eyes and shushed her.

The baby whined, but stopped crying, her little face pressed against her mother's shoulder, and she sucked hard on her little thumb while making a feeble moaning sound.

"Yes," Teagan whispered, her voice coming out sounding like she was on her last thread, and it was fraying, ready to break.

"Let me take her," I found myself offering, while part of me wondered what the hell I was doing.

"No, Angel, I'm sorry she woke you guys up. Really," tears filled the girls eyes and she bit her quivering lip, "I just can't-" her eyes flickered sideways at Michelangelo, and I knew she needed to say something she didn't want to in front of him.

"Mikey, go get her some water. This Momma is tired, and we're taking care of that right now."

Right then, when I looked him in the eye, there was the light I'd fallen in love with, and for once it was shining on me. But I knew, I had known, and I continued to ignore the fact, that it didn't belong to me. The single mother holding a teething infant, she needed him. And if I was honest with myself, he needed her too.

As tears slipped down Teagan's fair-skinned cheeks I guided her back in her room and closed the door. "What's going on Tea?"

Journey's whining faded, and she seemed satisfied enough with her thumb, to let her eyes fall closed.

"I'm falling apart. I don't know, she keeps waking everyone up, I can't afford a place on my own, Raphael is miserable, I'm a fucking mess. All I've ever been is a fucking mess. I screw up everything I touch Angel." The girls damn was breaking, and I took her baby, and she let me. I crossed the room, opened the door right as Mikey was going to open it, handed the baby to him, took the water, shut the door in his face, and went back to my friend's side. For as jealous of her as I was, for as much as I wanted to hate her, because he loved her, and she loved him, and there was no place for me here, not really, my heart still hurt for her.

"Teagan," my voice came out calm and firm, and I thrust the cup in her hand, "drink that. All of it. And I want you to listen to me. I was fucked up too. I made some stupid decisions, part of the time I didn't know what I was doing, and if I'm honest, a lot of the time I did, and I did it anyway."

"Because you didn't care? It didn't matter anymore, did it?" She nodded and our eyes met and I realized, the girl was as good as a kindred spirit, and that was why he chose me. Because I reminded him of her.

"No, you're right, it didn't. But in the end I was lying to myself, because everything I did, it either affected me or someone else, and sometimes both. And I still had to live with myself. And you are doing just fine. Honey, you are. You're a good mom, you work hard, and this family, they love you. This," I motioned to her hair, which looked like she'd forgotten to rinse, "and this," I pointed to the baby drool on her shoulder, "this is normal Mom stuff, you're just tired Honey. That's all this is."

She looked up at me, tears slipping away from her, her body trembling, "There's more."

"There always is," I nodded, "But you can't talk about it, right?"

She nodded.

"I know, Teagan. And it will be okay. So get some sleep, we'll take care of Journey. After all, the sun will always come up and shine its light another day," I looked her square in the eye, "even if that day is not today."

**XXX**

After fighting with my key and managing to get the damn front door open, I stepped inside the apartment and immediately kicked off my heels and stood in the doorway rubbing my feet. Then I listened, and the apartment was remarkably quiet.

"Hello?" I whispered, in case Journey was sleeping.

"They're a little bit of everywhere," Raphael appeared in the kitchen entry, "Donnie and April are at her Dad's, Leo and Mikey are at the lair, Teagan's on the roof getting some fresh air, Journey's sleeping, I'm babysitting, and it looks like you just got off work."

I met his peridot green eyed gaze, wondering for the hundredth time what he was doing with Teagan. Their relationship was that of a brother and sister, not a couple. It was painfully obvious, besides he was screwing it up at every turn. He either didn't come home, and hardly stayed over when he did, or he'd climb in the window, banged up, right before sunrise, when he should be getting ready to leave. He loved Journey, that was plain to see, but he had to go out and fight, he needed it, and when I looked in his eyes and saw familiar demons lurking there, I understood why. That was how he coped.

As I walked into the kitchen he moved further in, and when I was clear out of view of the door, or the window, he reached out and pulled me against him and I dug my fingernails into his rock solid biceps. "I missed you," he growled, reaching down and grabbing my ass, turning and planting me hard on the kitchen counter.

My bracelets jingled as I reached up and grabbed the crimson tails of his mask, wove them around my fingers and pulled him to me. My breath came in short pants as his hands roamed over my body and he lowered his mouth to mine. Then I pulled back and whispered over his lips, "I want you Raphael, so damn bad."

He growled, "I've got to," he kissed me and I tasted beer on his lips, "tell," he squeezed my ass again and ran his strong hands up my back and pulled me against him, planting his mouth over mine, I moaned into him and he groaned, "Fuck, I've got to tell Teagan." He pushed himself off me and stepped back, breathing hard, clenching his hands into fists and looked at me with lust-filled eyes.

I slid off the counter and leaned against it, tapping my manicured nails on the granite, "You know, when we met, I was homeless, about to be trafficked, probably pimped out, again mind you, and you and your brothers helped me get back on my feet. Get control of everything. You boys healed me. Now I have a good job that I love," I pointed to my newest tennis bracelet, "and the discount is great."

Raphael rubbed the back of his mask, "And?"

"And I thought I was in love with your brother. But then somehow, along the way, you got under my skin. And I realized, Mikey and I are as backwards as you and Teagan. Michelangelo cares about me, like a sister. The same way you feel about her." I stepped up to him and tapped my purple fingernail against the center of his plastron, "You're a good brother, who would do anything for the three of them Raphael, but at some point you have to take care of your needs too. And I think, if you just do what you keep saying you will, and talk to her, you'll find that she will want you to be happy."

He grumbled and shifted his weight, "I'm trying to protect my family Angel."

My stomach turned, "And how, by slowly killing your brother? He's in love with her."

"I know," he whispered, staring at the floor.

I reached out, took his hand and ran my fingers gently over the back of it in little circles, "Raphael, if you love them… help them be together."

He shook his head, "You don't understand, what happened. He's my little brother, she's my little sister, and I have to keep them safe."

He went to pull his hand from mine, but I held on and he looked at me.

"Then help me understand, because I have to tell you Raphael, those two, they aren't kids anymore."

And I saw the change in his eyes, the little shift, the realization, as if he had been so focused, so determined, he'd zoned in on his mission and he saw nothing else, and in the process he was losing himself.

"I can't," he said suddenly, and I wondered if he meant, that he couldn't do _us_.

I took a deep breath and braced myself, for the worst. With my heart pounding, I summoned all the courage I had in me, because I knew, I had to know, so I could move on. "Can't what?"

"Help you understand," he said softly, still staring at the floor. The look on his face tore at my heart, it reminded me of a parent letting go of their child, when they've graduated pre-school and are heading off to kindergarten, or… when they've reached a point in their life that they don't need their parents anymore. And I realized, he was letting go, and if I knew anything at all, it was that letting go was hard.

Letting go, of your past, of your mistakes, of everything that stands in your way…

And my courage rallied, because he was almost mine, and I wanted to be his soft place to fall. "And, why not?"

He swallowed hard and blinked, "Because, you're right."


	44. Chapter 44

**Coming Home**

Tell the world

I’m coming home

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes

I’m coming home

~Diddy~

****Month 4** **

**Karai**

_“I’m in love with you.”_

_“You shouldn’t love me Leo.”_

_“After everything we’ve been through together and the way you make me feel-”_

_“I can’t love you Leo because I don’t know what love is. I don’t understand it. I’m not capable of it… I can’t be fixed.”_

_“You already love me Karai, but I’m not going to wait around forever for you to figure that out.”_

_“Then you should move on.”_

I rolled onto my back to stare at my bedroom ceiling. Even with only the faint glow of city lights drifting in the window I could see where the paint was peeling away from the drywall beneath it, curling and dangling, just barely hanging on before an inevitable fall. Just like me.

He was still in my bed. I could feel the depression beneath his weight, smell his cheap cologne, and hear the odd but soft snore as he breathed through his nose. But I could also see him in my peripheral and just the sight of him made my stomach turn. While he’d been a decent lover it hadn’t felt right, there’d been no connection, there were amazing abs and gorgeous eyes and wonderfully curly hair, but there had been no fire, not even a spark. Just the familiar ache I’d carried with me every day since I chose to walk away. No, the man next to me wouldn’t change a thing, anymore than all the others I’d brought home. And now he annoyed me. I wanted him gone.

Throwing back my covers I grabbed his clothes from the foot of the bed and shoved them into his side. “You need to leave.”

“Hmm, what?”

He seemed like a nice enough guy, but what did I know, I was drunk when I’d brought him home. “You’ve got to go. Get up and get out.”

“Ah, Babe the sun’s not even up yet.” He moaned and rolled so his back was to me.

I shook his shoulder, “I don’t care. My roommates get pissed when I bring guys home so you’ve got to go.”

He groaned before sitting up and rubbing his hands through his short blond locks, “So you want to hook up again tonight?”

A bitter laugh escaped me, “Hardly. I wouldn’t be waking you up before sunrise if I wanted to see you again. Nope, and I’m not doing the walk of shame either, out with you.” I guided him, still in his boxer briefs, down the hallway, straight to the front door, where I grabbed his shoes and shoved him outside before shutting the door in his face.

After flipping the lock, I slid my back down the door, wanting to be drunk again, numb to the regret in my heart that had become as familiar to me as my reflection in a mirror. I buried my face in my hands as my stomach twisted into a tight knot and I knew that nothing I did could keep that damned moment from its inevitable replay.

_“This is Chloe.”_

I’d lost him forever.

“Want to talk about it?”

Even in the pre-dawn hour of the morning his youthful voice was as compassionate as ever.

“No, Michelangelo, I don’t.” I rubbed my face, pushed myself from the floor then shuffled by the couch shooting a glance to where my orange clad brother lie snuggled beneath a fleece Avengers blanket. I kicked at his foot which dangled off the side, “Why are you doing time on the couch?”

A coy smile slid across his green lips, “Eh, you know, the usual.”

“Seriously Mikey, the sun will be up in an hour you’d better-”

“I know, I know. I was just getting up when I heard you doing the walk of shame.”

“I wasn’t.”

“You so _were_ ,” he said sitting up before patting the empty space on the couch beside him, “come on, you know you want to or you’re gonna blow and we can’t have that.”

Sighing, I sank into the spot next to him and he wrapped a muscled arm around me, pulling me into his side, “You still sleep in his shirt.”

Tears pricked my eyes, “You think Chloe will know it’s his?”

Mikey scoffed but said nothing.

“What?”

Michelangelo took a deep breath, letting it out slow before he spoke. “Honestly Rai’, that shirts not the only thing that’s his and I think everybody knows it.”

The fire escape creaked and groaned and Mike and I both looked in the direction of the window.

Mikey sighed. “Wow, he’s in trouble for sure.”

I felt my eyebrows rise as a knowing grin spread across my lips, “Why’s he just now stumbling in here when he should be leaving to go home?”

Michelangelo stood from the couch, crossed the room and threw up the sash, allowing his red clad brother to fall in through it. Mikey clucked his tongue, tilting his head to the side and asking, “How bad ya hurt?”

“You’re gonna wake the baby Raph,” I nudged his dirt covered side with my foot.

Raphael groaned.

“Even worse, you’re gonna wake Teagan,” Mikey said reaching down to help his brother off the floor.

As if on cue, the hallway lit up and both Teagan and Angel appeared. Angel marched straight for Michelangelo, her caramel skinned hands balled into fists, her full lips pressed flat while little wrinkles surrounded her honey brown eyes. She had no problem stomping around the house in nothing more than a splash print bra with matching boxer shorts.

She smacked Mikey behind the head and he frowned as he looked at her. “I said I was sorry,” he shrugged.

“You’re gonna wake the baby and she’s cutting teeth. Tea was up with her all night! You’d know that if you’d gotten here on time Michelangelo.” Angel’s voice alone should’ve been enough to wake Journey. She looked down at Raph who was slowly climbing to his feet and she jabbed him, “And where the hell have you been?”

“Stop poking me Angel,” Raphael warned.

Teagan’s arms were crossed over the breast of one of Mikey’s old t-shirts which hung just above her knee. She was swimming in it, yet somehow it only served to tease the eye as every curve on her toned body seemed to peek from beneath the cotton whenever she moved. Her red hair was a mess of waves all over her head and down her back, and her blue eyes were frighteningly icy. “I’ll handle him Angel, seems like you and Mikey need to have a talk of your own.” She set her chilling gaze on Raphael, “Raph, go the fuck home and don’t come back.” With that she whirled around and marched down the hall closing her bedroom door quietly behind her, while I’m sure she would’ve rather slammed it.

Raph rubbed his hand over his bruised face and sighed, “Fuck.”

I rolled my eyes, “She’s just mad because you’re fucking up again, and you just said you wouldn’t. What yesterday?” I pointed to the rivulets of blood running in a steady trickle over his green skin, “That arm looks like it needs stitches, take your ass to the bathroom and I’ll sew you up.”

“Nah, I’ve got to talk to her. She’ll do it while she yells at me.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure Raphael. This is the fifth time in two weeks. She’s pretty pissed and if you keep doing this you’re going to find her drawing the finish line, and let me tell you, you’re really close to it right now.”

He sighed, “I know Karai. I didn’t mean-”

“Save it.” Angel and I said at the same time.

The bedroom door opened again and Teagan reappeared. “Get in the bathroom but do not speak to me.” Tears clung to her eyelashes and her chest shuddered. I felt terrible for them both, Raph, struggling to give up the extra fights which were obviously like a drug to him, and Teagan scarred by her past, bound to her very unexpected present and wondering about the uncertainty of her future. A pang of guilt needled its way through my stomach. I should’ve been here for her when she was pregnant with Journey, not traipsing around Japan trying to run from my own problems. I studied the two, wondering if she’d end it or if he’d give up. Raphael’s remorse was etched on his face as deep as the scar over his lip as he wiped away her tears, but Teagan wasn’t looking at Raph, her blue-green eyes were set on Michelangelo. And when his bright blues met hers she bit her lip and looked away, taking Raph’s hand and leading him down the hall.

I noticed Michelangelo still watching them, and I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through the perceptive turtles mind, but I didn’t get a chance to ask as the front door opened.

April stepped inside and as she tugged off her sneakers she noticed the lot of us standing around and groaned, “Please tell me things are going better here than at the lair.”

Mikey straightened, “What’s wrong at home?”

April shook her head, “Leo and Chloe broke up.”

My heart sputtered like a choked engine coming to life and my mind raced with a thousand questions.

“Aw that sucks. What happened?” Mikey glanced in Angel’s direction and I witnessed a knowing exchange taking place between them.

“I don’t really know. He wants to talk to Teagan. I told him I’d watch the baby so she could go hang out with him.” April walked past the fire escape window and noticed the dirt and blood on the floor, “What happened here?”

“Raph,” I answered, then as if on auto-pilot I spoke without thinking, “Teagan’s stitching him up in the bathroom right now. I can go talk to Leo.” As soon as I said it I felt my stomach rise and dip.

April, Mike and Angel were all staring at me.

“What? We’ve been friends even longer than he and Teagan; I think I can go listen to him cry about Chloe for a while.”

None of them said anything. I rolled my eyes before marching past them, straight to my room. As I closed the door I tried to figure out what I was doing. My hands were trembling as I pulled on the thin metal handle of my underwear drawer. What am I doing? I questioned myself as I threw on a blue lace thong then grabbed the matching bra, before yanking open my pant drawer and grabbing the pair of denims with the rip just above the knee. I couldn’t look like I’d fixed myself up, I mean he’s suffering from a break up. But it was my opening and as I reached for my black tank top I knew I was going to take it.

I stopped to look at the woman in the mirror. The rebellious teen in me had changed so much in the past three years. Gone was the dramatic make-up and bleached undertones. Instead I’d opted for a softer more natural look and my straight hair had grown down to the middle of my back. But it wasn’t a complete about face. I’d kept a single electric blue streak near the front. There was something inside me that had never been willing to let all of him go and that chunk of hair was one of the two places that I’d chosen to keep him with me. It was my way of letting him see, that even though I’d refused to be with him, I still adored him. The other change, I glanced at the Hamato clan emblem tattooed on the inside of my wrist, I’d kept that a secret from everyone. I placed the leather cuff back over it and sighed.

There was a knock on my door and April peeked in, “Teagan’s done with Raph, I just saw her making her way to her room. Are you sure you want to go?” I waved her in and as she looked me over a knowing smile toyed at the corners of her pink lips, “I won’t bother her then.”

As I passed her I murmured, “Wish me luck, I’m gonna need it.”

But as I stepped into the hall I swear I heard her whisper, “No you won’t.”

 

 

 


	45. Chapter 45

**Teagan**

Opening the bathroom door I kicked the toilet lid with my foot, letting it slam shut and I immediately regretted it, when the noise I made woke Journey. “Sit, I’ll get her, then the kit, and we’ll get you taken care of.”

Raph rubbed his face and did as he was told.

I stopped in the door, looking back at my friend, my red clad brother. He was bruised, battered and tired, and our ruse was taking a toll on both of us. “I’m sorry I bitched at you, I was just-” my voice broke and he looked at me, then reached out and pulled me to him.

“S’okay Tea, I know, I can see it on both of you.” He hugged me, and I picked up the scent of alcohol on him and knew something was eating at him too.

“Hey!” There was a frustrated knock on the bathroom door and Angel’s voice grated against my ears. I already loved her like a sister, but sometimes she was obnoxious as all get out. “Are you going to get this baby? You woke her up!”

“I’ll get her!” Mikey chirped and my heart panged.

“Oh, no!” I released Raphael and looked at him with fear in my eyes.

He was completely bewildered, “What’s wrong?”

I closed my eyes, “When Journey woke up today her eyes had changed color. It’s like it happened overnight. I- it was a hard day Raph.”

He shook his head, “You’re not making any sense Teagan.”

My hands started to shake, “She’s making faces, and her eyes,” I looked at Raph who raised his eye ridges. “She’s acting just like him. It’s, really-”

The bathroom door opened then and we both looked, to find Angel shaking her head as she stepped inside, “I think you and Michelangelo have something to discuss.”

I took a deep shuddering breath, “It’s that obvious?”

She crossed her arms and nodded, “You’re daughter is imitating every face he makes, perfectly. I was watching them and it just hit me like a sledgehammer.”

“Wait- so _he_ still hasn’t figured it out?” I gripped Raph’s hand, while looking at Mikey’s girlfriend, and for a second I wondered why she wasn’t thoroughly pissed at me.

Angel stepped in the bathroom and closed the door behind her. “Teagan, I don’t know what’s happened between you two. What your past is, or why he doesn’t know Journey’s his, but I’ll tell you this,” she shook her head, her honey-brown eyes flickering to Raphael, “Mikey and I aren’t going to work out because Michelangelo doesn’t love me, he never has. We fight all the time and even then, I still can’t get his attention. And by that I mean, you sleep in his old shirts, and look at him when you think no one else sees you, and he’s forever watching you, right in front of me. He doesn’t even try to hide it anymore. We’re falling apart, and besides, I’m in love with his brother.”

Raph made a choked sound, cleared his throat and straightened up, “I told you Angel. We’re trying to protect Mikey.”

Angel’s eyes filled, “I love you Raphael, but I can’t do this, sneaking around thing anymore.”

“Oh, my God,” I looked at them back and forth, Raph’s eyes narrowed. “Raph if you love her, we’ll just say this fight was the last straw, and we broke up and you can be together. It’ll be okay.”

“No, I will take care of you and Jay, I promised, and I keep my promises.” He kept his eyes on the bathtub. One look at Angel showed me her heart was breaking.

“No, we’re through and that’s it. Angel, go end things with Mikey. Raph, I won’t have you sacrificing anymore for us. We’ll be fine. It’ll all work out. I’ll get you stitched up and out of here in no time.”

Angel put a hand on my shoulder, “Teagan, what about Michelangelo? Who’s going to be there for him?”

Raph’s gaze shifted to my face.

“I’m his friend Angel, I’ve always been there for him. I just-”

Angel shook her head, “You need to tell him the truth Teagan. It’s the only thing that’s going to make any of this right.”

I looked at Raph, “But his safety-”

Raph offered me a small smile, “He’s grown up Tea,” he nodded, “you both have. It’ll be okay, and you know we’ve got your backs.”

My heart picked up a frantic beat, “Are you sure?”

Raph nodded, “Yeah Little Sister, I’m sure.” He motioned to his wounded arm, “Now go, Angel’s got this.”

My eyes misted over and I bit my quivering lip. Angel guided me toward the door and opened it. “They’re in your room.”

I took a deep breath and made my way down the hall.

 

 


	46. Chapter 46

**Karai**

As I entered the lair I spotted my father and Donatello sitting at the kitchen table. While I was eager to find Leo I knew I should greet them both so I made my way over to them. Neither seemed surprised to see me and I felt a knot gathering in my stomach.

“Good morning Father and Donatello.”

“Good morning Miwa,” my father replied, before lowering his teacup back onto its saucer, his human brown eyes dancing with a soft light. I noticed the corner of his furry mouth curve up on one side before he glanced at Donnie.

Donatello sipped on his coffee, peering at me through his expressive brown eyes as he put it back on the table. “Good morning Karai. What brings you home after,” the purple of his mask scrunched between his eyes, “how long has it been?”

“Six months,” Leo’s smooth voice answered from behind me, before I could open my mouth to speak.  

My heart was slamming against my chest as I looked over my shoulder and found his scarred plastron just inches from my face. Somehow I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eye and turned back around to find my father and Donnie placing their dishes in the sink.

“I am going to meditate. Welcome home Miwa,” my father’s paw brushed my shoulder as he passed by.

“Raph’s supposed to meet me in the garage this morning. The Shellraiser’s in need of a tune-up. Nice to have you home Karai.” Donnie looked at me, then his brother as he left.

Just standing there, with my back to him, there was a growing tension trapped in the air between us. It felt like a lasso had snared us and the closer we were in proximity the tighter the noose. It was that feeling that had made me so uncomfortable I’d left in the first place. After he confessed his feelings toward me the truth hung over us, and it become awkward, hurting our friendship considerably. I thought for sure that putting distance between us, especially after he met Chloe, would help. But it hadn’t. The static that enveloped us now, had in fact dulled when I was away, but it took up residence in my heart and lingered there like a festering wound, unwilling to heal.

“So,” his voice startled me, and I jumped a bit then felt my back stiffen. “Why are you so flighty Karai?”

Leo had always been able to infer his feelings into his voice and nothing irritated me more than when he taunted me with it. I hated to be teased and he knew it, but nothing was worse than my knowing what this particular lilt in his tone implied. He knew how I felt as sure as he was standing behind me and I found my nails sinking into my palms at the thought of it.

Determined not to be baited by him I ignored his question. “When April got home this morning she mentioned that you might be in need of a friend.”

“I asked for Teagan,” he said coolly then asked, “what brought you here instead?”

It felt odd for us not to face each other as we talked, but I didn’t trust myself to look at him just yet.

“Karai?” He stepped around me, making his way to the tea kettle and I realized he wasn’t in a hurry to look at me either. “Would you like a cup?”

_No. I don’t want tea. I want you. I want to forget the past six months, take back those damn words and just…_

“Are you okay?”

Glancing in his direction but not right at him, I watched as he set the kettle on the stove but instead of turning it on he took three steps and came to stand before me.

There it was again, that scuffed golden and brown plastron, and I remembered how unforgiving it was against my breast when we made love for the first and last time. Blood was hammering against my eardrums so hard I could feel it. Whoosh. Whoosh. It grew louder, drowning out my thoughts and blurring my vision. Whoosh. Whoosh. The sensation overwhelmed me and I swayed as I reached out a hand to grab his arm, and he placed one of his own gently behind my back.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, steadying me.

Taking a deep breath I shook the feeling, and the memory that triggered it, from my mind and brushed his arm away. “I’m fine. So I hear you and Chloe broke up. Want to talk about it?”

He shrugged, a little too casually for someone who was supposed to be heartbroken. “Let’s spar instead. I kind of missed having someone around to really challenge me.”

I scoffed, “Raphael isn’t a challenge anymore?”

Leo chuckled, and the sound rushed past my ears straight to my heart, and it felt like he was sewing the first stitch, pulling closed a specifically stubborn wound.

“Of course, but not with a sword. Come on Karai, let’s play.” He reached brazenly for my hand, and flashed me a look that I didn’t dare linger on, in fear of the warmth that would inevitably pool between my legs as a result of it. And I was a little surprised, for the boy who’d first fallen in love with me, had been awkward and nervous, all but falling all over himself. This Leonardo, just a few years later, was a seasoned leader, a veteran warrior, and while I’d witnessed the evolution of all that, I’d missed out on what he’d become with Chloe, which apparently was a more confident flirt, who didn’t even require a wingman.

Wait, was holding my hand flirting with me? That look certainly was. He knew full well what it did to me. Maybe I’m just reading too much into things. Or maybe I just _want_ there to be something.

“Uh, Karai, here’s your katana.”

He placed a weapon that I did not recognize, in my hands and immediately my fingers wrapped around the green silk bound grip. It was perfectly weighted, and as I tested the feel of it, my eyes slid across the tapered single edged blade, over the copper and gold metal work, to the beautiful green bindings, eyeing the praying mantis motif among the leaves on the guard.

“It’s beautiful Leo. When did you get it?”

Leo sighed, “About five months ago when I broke up with Chloe.”

My mouth fell open as my fingers parted from around the hilt, and the tip fell toward the Oriental rug beneath our feet. I tried to stop it and without thinking reached to grab the blade. Leo blocked me quickly, allowing the perfect weapon to hit the floor.

“Have you lost your mind?” He snapped.

“I- did you just say-” the whole world seemed at a standstill, I was so stunned my body wouldn’t move even as I commanded it to, but my eyes obeyed, they shifted from the sword on the floor to where his hand enveloped my own, having just saved me from slicing my fingers to ribbons. I stared at his thick and calloused green fingers remembering how gentle they felt against my skin.

“Are you never going to look me in the eye again Karai?” He’d always been able to just lay everything out in the open, and I respected him for that. The same way I admired his infinite courage and boundless honor. Everything that ever mattered to me began with Hamato Leonardo and while I knew that, I had always felt that I didn’t deserve him. From the bleak world that had been my life before him, he had become my guide, a beacon to a universe brimming with emotion and I just couldn’t handle the contrast. It was like I had been in a dungeon, and he’d blown the roof off, and the light came pouring in so bright I couldn’t peek through my eyelids in fear of the burn.

“Karai - are – you – ever – going – to – look – me – in – the – eye – again?” This time he enunciated every word speaking slowly and clearly, as if to a child, almost commanding me to look at him.

Usually I would struggle with the urge to fight with him, but now I wanted to know what was going on, what had happened, and how did what they told me at the apartment mesh with what Leo was saying here?

For the first time in six months I looked into Leonardo’s piercing blue eyes and the second I did, all of my questions fell away. They could almost glow they were such a phenomenal shade of blue, and while they’d always stolen my breath this time they stopped my heart. As my knees wobbled, he stepped closer putting his other hand behind my back, all but holding me up. A stray lock of my loose black hair hung across my face and he brushed it back and smiled at me. God if those eyes could be any bluer they’d have to be battery powered.

“L-leo, what’s going on?”

“Well Karai, in honor of everything we are, and where we began, I set a little trap for you. One our family was only too happy to partake in.” He steadied me, then let go, and bent over to pick up the sword and placed it back in my hands. “This is truly yours. It’s a gift.” He stepped back and I kept my gaze locked on him. “I broke up with Chloe a month after you left for Japan. I just… she wasn’t you Karai, and there was nothing there. It wasn’t fair to either of us and I ended it. I had already been saving to buy you this sword and whether we were together or not I was determined that you would have it. Do you remember it?”

“From Raphael’s old weapons catalog, yes, I circled it. It was a fantasy Leo, I never expected to actually own it. For gosh sakes you should see what April and Teagan had marked!”

He laughed, “I heard Chloe telling April once that normal girls shopped for purses not weapons.”

I felt a surge of anger laced with the pain of knowing what April had endured over the years, and I set my jaw, “Yeah well clearly they came from two different worlds.”

Leo’s smile dissolved, “I thought the same thing, that’s when I realized we were too different. Her world was easier, she wasn’t scarred, and the longer she was with me the more I realized that she wouldn’t, because she wasn’t.”

“I don’t understand. She wasn’t, wouldn’t, what?”

“A survivor. She wouldn’t make it in our world Karai because she wasn’t made the way you, April, Teagan and Angel are. She wasn’t made of steel.” He shook his head, “She wasn’t even resilient. She was frail and delicate like a flower that would surely crumble and wilt.”

“That sounds beautiful.”

“To someone, I’m sure it is.” His eyes burned into me so deep I felt it, the heat, singeing my heart, perhaps cauterizing the still gaping hole that I, myself, had inflicted. His large green finger skimmed lightly over my bicep, “but there’s only one for me.”

Before I could drop the sword again he took it from me, placing it on the weapons table, and made his way toward me with an easy grace that I had often envied. How such a massive creature moved so perfectly had long escaped me, but he was good at everything he did, and walking really shouldn’t have impressed me.

“When I heard you were home I didn’t know when you’d come here, or if you would. I mean, you quit coming to the lair after I-”

The hurt on his face threatened to rip apart everything within me that he had been so meticulously mending, and the urge to change it, drove me to act without thinking it through. “I’m sorry Leo, I was sorry when I said it, and a fool when I left, I just-” a knot caught in the back of my throat and it was suddenly difficult to speak, “I’ve been a coward about this. I ran away and hid because I was so scared of there being an _us,_ and everything that would come with that. The risk of it going wrong and hurting worse than I already felt, the chance of me losing my best friend if it didn’t work out, and how that would ruin everything with the one true family I’ve ever had. There was so much to lose Leo, and that scared the hell out of me. But-” the pain shifted from my throat and took a leap upward transforming into something annoying and wet clinging to my eyelashes. “It was my mistake, because all of those things happened anyway.”

“And-” he pressed as if knowing there was more to be said.

“And I had nothing to show for it, and worst of all I still couldn’t let you go. I carried you with me,” stupid liquid dripped down from my eyes. I’d gone soft, I was vulnerable to him like no other, yet I realized as I peered into his cool blue depths that I wasn’t afraid of being with him anymore but I was terrified of being without him. “You were right.”

While he couldn’t help the smirk playing across his lips, it was his eyes that reflected something fierce yet barely contained, and I felt a twinge low in my belly at the sight of it.

“I was right?” he repeated, running his fingers down the blue streak in my hair and I knew that whatever he wanted from me I was ready to give him.

“Come on Leo, stop playing with me and tell me about your trap.” I tipped my head, leaning against his fingers as they ran through my hair while allowing my lips to curl into a devious smile.

He laughed, “It doesn’t matter, it worked.”

Before I could take my next breath he had me in his arms, and I found myself reaching for him at the same time. My fingertips pressed against his lightly pebbled cheeks and my thumb swept over his lower lip, my gaze followed my touch, before darting to his eyes, “Leo-” I gasped.

It had been so long, and I never thought I’d get to touch him again, and as his lips grazed mine I felt a shock course through my mouth, down my throat straight to my heart, before branching out like an explosion of emotions breaking free of my own restraint. For everything I’d held back had belonged to him, and always would, and I was determined for him to know it, to feel it, to ingrain myself upon him, to lose myself in him because wherever he was, is where I belonged. “I want you Leo, I want you and I will never, _never_ let you go again.” I wrapped my lips around his and my tongue swept inside his mouth tasting the sweetness of him, and I savored how soft this part of him was and how carefully he searched and explored this beginning while I clung to the hope that it would never end.

A low rumble rose from somewhere in the middle of his plastron as he broke away to nuzzle my neck, and my hair fell over him in a silky black curtain, while his lips pressed gently against my collarbone. I let my eyes close as I fell back into his waiting hands and he lowered me onto a mat. Our bodies sank into the soft cool cushion as I wrapped my heels around the ridges of his carapace and my hands around his neck, “I’ve hurt for every day we’ve been apart, I-” I felt myself speaking from the tangled mess that beat madly in the middle of my chest and he only whispered his reply.

“It’s okay, I know.” And he shushed me with his kisses while stroking my cheek and not a single rough part of his finger touched my skin. The boy who’d love me before was gone, this Leonardo was as skilled with my body as he wielded his sword and I knew none better. We took turns peeling away the layers of each other’s clothing, right down to his worn blue mask, before he rest himself over my naked body.

“Do you trust me wholly Karai?”

A soft laugh came from my throat amid a blur of tears, at those words that he’d asked me so long ago before our first time, and I searched his heavenly blue eyes before I whispered to him, “No, Leonardo, I thought I _trusted_ you then, I know I  _love_ you now.”

There was a snap as if the lasso that bound us had just been pulled so tight it might break, and then it did. “Say it again,” his bare face was so inhuman, and yet beautiful to me, and I couldn’t hold him close enough, and as he peered deep into my soul I still couldn’t reach that place where he was, and I wondered if I ever would. “Please, Karai, say it again.”

“I love you Leonardo.”

His eyes clamped shut as a single tear slid down my lovers cheek, and slowly he lowered his mouth over mine before moving to where my pulse thrummed against my neck, and I breathed in the scent of steel and sandalwood on his emerald green skin, while tracing the ridge of his plastron, sliding my fingers down to stroke the tender flesh near his bridge. He shivered and churred, while his lips moved over my skin delivering exquisite nibbling kisses that had my flesh singing beneath his very touch. When the moist warmth of his mouth slipped over my most sensitive parts my back arched, then his tongue joined in his tender ministrations and my hands flew up to grip his carapace, “Leo-”

His hand reached for mine as he rose back to my lips before he shifted his hips and our bodies joined. As he moved slowly within me I finally felt it all, the stirring of my long slumbering soul awakening, the wounds of our past mending, from the moment we met and I knew my life was forever changed, for the first brush of a cheek to a desperate embrace, for holding me up when I would surely fall, for picking me up when I did, for saving me from my own demons, and having the patience to know when to push and when to step back, for understanding me and everything I needed and then for just letting me be, with every thrust he reached deeper, touching those places, provoking those memories and I let go, losing myself and trusting him to do what he did best. Lead. And I never wanted him to stop.

I felt myself building as our bodies moved amid a fray of tear filled eyes, glistening flesh and deep places, wet with love long denied. My toes curled and my fists intertwined with his, clinging desperately to him as my body arched and tensed, ringing with a blissful agonizing finish that I wanted to last for the rest of our lives. How he ever held me so close, yet never too tight, I would never know, but as I felt his release I already wanted him again. Surely it could never get better than this. I placed my trembling lips on the top of his head and he replied with a gentle squeeze.

“I love you Karai.”

And for the first time in my life, I was glad to hear it.


	47. Chapter 47

**My Sacrifice**

When you are with me, I'm free

I'm careless, I believe

Above all the others we'll fly

This brings tears to my eyes

My Sacrifice

-Creed-

**Teagan**

Morning light crept in through the blinds of my bedroom window. The tiny slat shaped golden rays seemed to dance across the duo playing, on a blanket that Mikey had spread out, on the floor. He lay on his shell, holding Journey over his head, blowing raspberries at her and she'd giggle and blow them back.

My heart flip-flopped, and my throat hurt, for the emotions that rose up in it, they were stuck there like a rock in the path of water. But bits seeped through, the hurt, the ache, the lies, the truth, all of it, tiny grains that chipped off and crept around that stone. And the weight of it all shifted the rock, and I knew eventually it was going to break free.

Michelangelo giggled and Journey's little pink tongue stuck out between her tiny lips, her sky blue eyes sparkled with life, and her expression was identical to the terrapin holding her. I pressed my lips together, at first thinking Angel was right, to anyone who walked in this room and saw them right now, it would be obvious. I knew that soon, it would dawn on him too, and if he didn't hear it from me first, I could never come back from it. He may never forgive me as it was.

"When'd she start doing this?" his dancing blue eyes flickered to me briefly and my heart sputtered.

I opened my mouth to speak, but words failed me and my gaze fell, as did his smile. The scar was there on his shoulder taunting me, so close to the artery that ran through his neck. How many times I'd replayed that night. My stomach turned, and the stone in the waters path shifted more, sliding a little, and I took an unsteady breath as I came to sit on my knees within a hands reach of him.

The room grew quiet except for Journey's coos, and she rubbed her chubby hand over her father's face, then pressed her open mouth against his cheek. He was looking at me, but couldn't resist smiling at the baby's behavior.

"You and Raph, okay?" Mikey asked, looking from me to Journey, then back again.

I opened my mouth and tried again, to speak, but couldn't figure out even the first word. My eyes drifted from Journey, to Mikey, to the scar, and the stone shifted to the wider part of the imaginary river, and a few tears slid down my cheeks.

"You know, things might go better for you two if you slept in his old shirts, insteada mine."

He would joke.

Then I remembered him telling me, he knew Karai loved Leo, because she always slept in his shirts. And I understood why she did, because they smelled like Leo, and this one smelled like Mikey. For every night I'd wished he was with me, I'd wear it, wrapping my arms around myself, crying myself to sleep and praying that I'd dream of him.

I tore my eyes from the star shaped scar, drifted up his spring green colored neck, across the round playful face, to meet his expressive blue eyes, they were so warm and loving, and yet so melancholy they damn well broke my heart.

"You know?" I managed, and wondered just how much he knew.

"That you don't love Raph and that he and Angel are crazy about each other? Yeah. I've known that for a while." He didn't take his eyes off me as Journey whined, and he shifted her so she could rest her head against his shoulder. "What I've been trying to figure out is why? Why are you holding on to something you're hearts not really in. And why my brother Tea? Why him and not me?"

His eyes filled, and that was it, the stone bounced and rolled straight into the deepest part of the river, spilling over in a waterfall of tears down my cheeks. I ran my shaking fingers over the scar, "Because, Michelangelo, I didn't want to lose you. And I thought that I could still have you in my life, and keep you safe at the same time." My heart filled, and ached, and his closeness consumed me, every pebble smooth scale over his light green skin, the way the flesh dipped a bit beneath the scar, the scent of pizza and nunchuk oil drifted into my senses, and my touch slid up to the side of his face and I stroked his cheek with my thumb.

His thick green fingers came to rest over my hand, "You're silly Tea, don't you know, it's my job to keep you safe. Not the other way around."

Those shining blue eyes searched me and I looked at the baby sleeping on his shoulder and licked my lips, "Michelangelo, there's something – I have to-"

He shook his head and frowned, a knowing expression on his adorable but heart-wrenchingly sad face, "No you don't Tea. Because I've known, since I saw you in that hospital bed and felt her move. I've known, she's mine. I could feel it, as sure as I can see it in your eyes right now." His own lip trembled and tears slid down his cheeks, "I just had to wait for you to work through, whatever it is that's going through your beautiful but crazy-complicated mind."

An electric jolt shot through me and I couldn't see for the blur in my eyes, "What?"

He stood up, kissed Journey's rosy colored cheek and lie her in her crib, then sat next to me on the floor, opened his arms and pulled me to him. "It's always been you Teagan. Angel knew it the minute she met you. Raph knew it too, he just thinks the way you do, that it's all about keeping me safe. The thing is, it really is my job to keep you safe, Journey and you, you're mine Tea." He squeezed me and I melted against him, letting go of everything I'd been struggling to hold up for so long.

"Why aren't you mad at me? Why didn't you ever say anything? How can you even forgive me for all of this?" I sniffled and wiped at my face, but the salt of stubborn tears still ran in a steady river over my lips. I managed to clear my vision long enough to see that damn scar, right where my head lay and I hated myself for it.

"Oh I've been plenty mad, but I've also had a lot of time to get over it. And I just made sure I never let you see it." He sat me up and peered into me with stormy blue eyes, "Do you know how hard it's been not to call you out on the floor for all of this?" He shook his head and his mask furrowed, but when I went to look away he grabbed my chin, and guided my gaze back to him, "No way, you owe me Teagan, the least you can do is look me in the eye." He pointed to the crib behind him, his blue eyes flashing, "My own baby? And you think for a second I wouldn't know?" He frowned and it hurt to watch, "I thought you knew me better than that."

I nodded, blinking, and wondering if the waterworks would ever end, my heart pounded like a drum, the rhythm of my pulse rocked through my head, rushing through my ears, and I forced in a breath and kept my eyes on his. "What, what can I do to make this right?"

He shook his head, more tears getting away from him, and ran his fingers through my hair, "For all that is good in you and me both, let go and just love me Tea. Love me like you want to, and don't hold back a damn thing."

My throat hurt, my eyes burned, and my heart spilled over, as I looked in his heavenly blues and nodded, "I love you Michelangelo and yes, I will, I always have and I-"

He pressed his mouth to mine and my chest shuddered as we reached for each other. My heart slammed against my breast as he slid his hands under my shirt, and as I tugged the thin faded orange cloth over my head he grabbed it and tossed it out of the way. One hand slid through my hair as he brushed away my tears with his thumb, moving his perfectly soft lips over mine and my insides shivered. I moved my mouth from his, to look in his perfect blue eyes, and slid my hands over his cheeks before reaching behind him to remove his mask. I nuzzled his cheeks, kissing his freckles, and he laughed, the way he used to, light, happy, and free, and the sound rang through me like the sweetest melody I'd ever heard, then he tilted his head and wrapped his lips around mine again.

His weight shifted over me as he lowered me to the floor and I parted my legs allowing him to rest against me. I marveled at how there was no pressure on me, and I ran my fingers over his bare head, lifting my chin to kiss it. His lips fluttered over my pulse points, in my neck, on my wrist, he gazed in my eyes then rubbed his cheek against my hand, closing those beautiful gems of his and he took a deep breath in.

With my heart racing I wanted desperately to feel him against me, to get him as close as I could. It had been a year since we first made love, and six months since he lay next to me in that hospital bed.  Since then I'd watched him hold another woman in his arms, kiss her cheek, and hold her hand. All this time I'd denied my heart, and him his.  

As our daughter slept in the bed not three feet behind us, and I traced the scar for the hundredth time, he grabbed my hand, kissed it and said, "Stop. That was never your fault. It was me, doing something I'd do again, a thousand times over. We belong together Teagan," he kissed my hand and gazed in my eyes, "Let go, of everything, all of it, every bit of anything that isn't just you and me, right here right now," he nodded and I felt my head bobble in reply.   His weight shifted low and I felt his tail press against me, "I will catch you."

I remembered the night we met, when he did just that, and then he'd mimicked my inspection of him.  I wanted to laugh remembering how he sniffed me. There was something special between us from the very beginning, and he'd always been there for me…

Something in me snapped, like a rubber band pulled to tight, or perhaps I'd busted free of my shackles at last. I was free of every tie, and realized I'd been the one holding myself down this whole time.

What was I thinking? I was his! I always had been, he'd always been there, he deserved everything I had in me, and for damn sure I owed him for the little girl sleeping in that bed. We were his, all his, and this, unlike everything else I'd ever known, would be right, and true, and good. This was love.

As he slid down my body, slipping my underwear off and casting them aside, I reached for him and our bodies merged. I pressed myself so close I could feel his tail curl up against my backside and knew I had every inch of him and I wanted it all, him, filling me so deep I couldn't hold anymore and I was grateful I was enough. With his breath on my neck, the churr that rose from his chest, the feel of his rock hard plastron, that I always thought of as a shield, protecting me, and his leathery skin taught around his muscled arms, the scent of him, every sweet freckle, and those honest eyes, he was mine, and I was his, and we were one. I surrendered my everything as he moved within me, and his mouth searched mine, tears fell from both our eyes, and I knew, as my toes curled in ecstasy, and my insides shivered for fulfillment of a long aching want, he was right, this was right, even more than either of us really knew.

Because, I realized, he'd been carrying me all along.

As we collapsed in each other's arms, sweaty and exhausted, places on my body still tingly and trembling with delightful aftershocks, I pressed my cheek against his neck and closed my eyes, satisfied, my heart thumping in a beautiful rhythm that matched the sound of his pulse, as it thrummed in my ear. The most amazing sound, outside of listening to Journey's breathing, was listening to my love's heart beat in sync with mine. We were together at long last and I knew, I was never letting him go again.


	48. Chapter 48

**Elastic Heart**

**You did not break me,**

**I'm still fighting for peace**

**-Sia-**

**Teagan**

To say I was shaking right now would be an understatement. My entire body was visibly jumping, yes, but what felt worse was the frantic way my heart mimicked it. Don't get me started on the way I could feel the blood coursing throughout me, with an electric thrumming, in the same violent rhythm. I was grateful I hadn't woken up screaming. Thankfully, I seldom did that anymore.

There I was, fluttering around in my own skin, without going anywhere, clinging to my pillow, waiting for it to stop. It wasn't my first rodeo, and I knew there was little to be done about it, beyond drink water and wait. Wait for horrible images of a past I could never escape, to recede, back into the darkest corners of my mind.

Some mistakes cannot be undone. I'd accepted that. And truthfully I'd come a long way, because at least now, I was able to cope with it.

With the moonlight filtering in the room, playing a soft white beam over our daughters crib, I knew that I loved her. I'd done some crazy things to try and keep her and her father safe. But sometimes, like right now, she reminded me of darker things that I'd done. That one thing I held onto, because it still felt important and it could never be changed. Whoever thought everyone who did, what I had, were only terrible people, who did not care, and had no remorse, they didn't know me.

As children we depend on the adults in our lives to know what's best for us, to guide us, to keep us safe. As teenagers, with usually, no extensive life experience, and for some of us, way too much, we were somehow expected to know better. But I was naïve. I always thought adults knew the answers because they'd already been where I was. I thought wrong. They could steer you in the completely wrong direction, many times, with good intentions. I knew that now. Only it was too late for me, but I would do better by her, I would be attentive, I would listen, I would see, and I knew for sure her father would. He saw everything.

He was awake. That's the thing about ninjas, they sense things, like bodies shivering uncontrollably beside them. My teeth were chattering now, sometimes it got worse before it got better. He was going to open his eyes soon, he couldn't help it. I knew he could wait. God, did I ever know that. But at some point, if what he tried next did not work, he would try the next thing, and then the next. Because he never gave up on me. He never had.

He opted to be casual now, behaving as though he was still asleep, when he knew, I knew, he wasn't. His green muscled arm slid across my chest and gently, he pulled me close. I could feel a cool, steady air blowing softly over my shoulder, in, out, in, out. In. Out. In, and, one beat at a time, my heart started to slow, and gradually the trembling subsided.

There was only one thing he'd ever pushed me about. One. And I'd put him through a great deal. But he did not hold a grudge. Well not with me. I was the aftermath, the proof, that there were terrible villains out there. If they weren't seeking redemption, well, then he wasn't sorry for them, and lately he hadn't been very forgiving either. I ran my fingers lightly over the wrap on his forearm, and knew the other guy was worse for the wear. But he was still hurt, and it scared me. I'd never tell him, and he probably already knew, but whenever he was hurt it always triggered the nightmares.

His breathing, and his touch, soothed me, but on the nights that they didn't lull me back to sleep on their own, he would offer. Where I used to balk and run away, sometimes, not always, now I could talk. Because things had changed between us, I'd let him in.

He pressed his lips against my shoulder, and it wasn't with expectation of anything more, it was purely to comfort me. Well, it was also to let me know, if I wanted, he was not faking sleep anymore, and he was willing to listen. Of course that depended on me.

He had these little subtleties I'd learned over the past four months, since I'd commit myself to him, and we'd embarked on the next chapter of our lives, only this time together. Much of it stemmed from his training, some of it though, was just because he knew what I needed, and he'd give me anything he could, even at the cost of his own life.

Waiting patiently was one thing, that when I first met him, he was hardly a master of. His father had focused much of his training on that aspect. But, in the end, it was me, who his father credited for those finely attuned skills. _"Motivation is everything."_ Or so Splinter said.

I tried to focus on my breathing again, to quiet the lingering voices in my head, and while my body had fought to drive back the images in my sleep, in my consciousness, I was capable of picking through them and reasoning them away. Some were more difficult than others. So while I took the breathing pattern, he began, and I worked harder at it, taking slow, full breath, inhales and exhales, he kissed my shoulder again and he waited.

There was one thing that could expedite this straight to the talking part. And she was stirring in her crib right now. He always knew, before it happened, before the tiny shifts she was making, that she was about to wake up. Four months ago, when he'd basically moved in with us, it was hard to get him to stay in the bed and let her wake up the rest of the way on her own, if that was what she was going to do. _"While it's great to be able to anticipate your opponent's actions, Mikey, your daughter isn't your opponent. At least give her the opportunity to comfort herself."_ A small smile spread across my lips. Just when you think you've mastered a skill, there's usually another level. _"Have patience Love."_ I had told him. _"I'm patient."_ He'd grumbled.

Journey rolled to her knees and scooted herself toward the slats of the crib, pressed her little face against it, like a puppy at the pound, and proceeded to coo and babble. Since Mikey started sleeping in our room every night, she'd gradually cried less and just babbled more, because he could hardly resist babbling back. Even at two in the morning.

Now our rolls were flipped, and it was me reassuring him, with a slide of my hand over his, and a gentle squeeze, while he rubbed his feet together and tried to keep from leaping from the bed. Then Journey took it to the next level and her babble turned into a whine.

"Aww Tea," he whimpered.

At the sound of his voice, she skipped straight to a full on fit.

Now, despite how horribly I'd woken up, I found myself laughing.

"Oh, go on then," I said, releasing his hand, and he'd scooped her up before I could blink.

He cuddled her, changed her diaper, and brought her to our bed, placing her between us. I lay on my side facing the center of the bed, he faced me from the other, and Journey played with his round green face. When the moonlight caught both of their vibrant sky blue eyes my heart filled.

"Mikey, you've got to stop talking to her, and playing with her, at two in the morning. It's fine if you want to cuddle with her, but she won't go back to sleep if you encourage her." I smiled as I told him this, in a gentle tone, because he was a phenomenal father, mine wasn't, and I really did not want to discourage him.

Even before we were together, while I tortured us both by denying myself of him, he'd stayed close and doted over Journey. And despite what I desperately wanted, and how badly it hurt to be near him but not with him, I'd let him stay. Because she was his and she needed him. The thing was, we needed each other too.

He flashed me his puppy dog eyes, and I shook my head at how alike they behaved. "Manipulative," I scoffed, "the both of you." When his mouth curved up into his goofy grin, my insides melted.  I didn't mind any of it, because the nightmare had retreated back where it should, and I had not only him to thank for that, but her too. Content at last with where my life was, I smiled at him, "But I wouldn't change a thing."


End file.
